Being A South Carolina Legislator Isn’t Easy June 18, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.2 comments
LACK OF STATE BUDGET, TRANSPORTATION REFORM WOULD DEFINITELY MEAN THE END OF THE WORLD, PEOPLE
FITSNews – June 18, 2007 – South Carolina legislators really are heroes. Seriously, you wouldn’t think that passing a state budget and fixing a wasteful and inefficient transportation department was harder than, say, landing on a planet-killing asteroid moving towards Earth at 22,500 miles per hour, drilling a hole into it and detonating a nuclear warhead, but yeah, that’s pretty much the kind of crisis we’re up against. And you know South Carolinians, people. Half of us never even learned how to read, or tie our own shoelaces.
Anyway, after spending months whining across the State House lobby at each other, South Carolina’s Senate and House of Representatives will be back in Columbia this week to take another stab at drafting a $7.4 billion spending plan and restructuring the S.C. Department of Transportation, which is about as well-managed as you would expect it to be in a state where half of our kids don’t graduate from high school.
So after a twelve-day break in which leaders from both legislative bodies (each controlled by Republicans, by the way) did nothing but throw spitballs back and forth at each other, the fate of the world once again rests squarely on the shoulders of these brave men and women. Except it’s not really the fate of the world, it’s actually pay raises for by-and-large success-challenged state employees, new school buses for the nation’s only communist-run bus system and a pair of tax cuts so insignificant you need a microscope to see them. (more…)
Who The Heck Is Winning South Carolina Anyway? June 17, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.2 comments
CAMPAIGN 2008 IS GETTING CONFUSING
FITSNews – June 17, 2007 – A week ago, we read in The State newspaper that Rudy Giuliani was ahead in the polls in South Carolina. Five days ago, we read in The Greenville News that John McCain was in the lead. Today, The State is saying there’s a new poll out that has former Senator Fred Thompson out in front. The same poll also showed Illinois Senator Barack Obama with a solid nine-point lead over Hillary Clinton, despite the fact that most recent polls have shown Clinton enjoying a similar – if not larger – margin over Obama.
So what gives? Why are the results of presidential polls in South Carolina suddenly so all over the place?
Our guess is that with the election still seven months away, most South Carolinians just haven’t thought about it all that much yet. Either that or people are really dumb down here. Or it could be fluctuations are high because people are saying whatever pops into their heads to get back to their Springer reruns and TV dinners. (more…)
Chinese Censor Pirates Of The Caribbean June 16, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.3 comments
GOVERNMENT SAYS MOVIE “VILIFIES, DEFACES” CHINESE CULTURE … NOT TO MENTION BEING CONFUSING AS HELL
FITSNews – June 16, 2007 – The Chinese government has censored the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie because it “vilifies and defaces” Chinese culture and maintains “Hollywood’s old tradition of demonizing the Chinese.” According to published reports:
The role of Hong Kong star Chow Yun-Fat, who plays pirate lord Captain Sao Feng, had been slashed in half to just about 10 minutes of screen time … Chinese censors also cut Chow’s line in which he states ‘Welcome to Singapore’ because it hints Singapore is a land of pirates.
At least the Chinese didn’t censor the parts of the movie that were totally confusing as hell. Otherwise, there would be no movie to go see. Seriously, we watched “Pirates 3” for the first time last night and the only thing we felt reasonably sure of was Orlando Bloom‘s homosexuality. Well, that and the fact that Kiera Knightly needs to be force-fed a diet of nothing but Philly Cheesesteaks … intravenously, if necessary. There’s a lot of good action scenes and cool special effects, but making sense of the plot requires a cereal box decoder ring, the Rosetta Stone and a previously undiagnosed form of advanced attention deficit disorder. We were going to write a review of the film for a client but ended up putting a sword through our laptop instead.
Top Ten Signs “Obama Girl” Is Famous June 16, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.1 comment so far
FROM AL GORE TO AL QUEDA, THE WHOLE WORLD IS CRUSHING ON THE INTERNET’S SEXIEST SONGSTRESS
FITSNews – June 16, 2007 – Straight from the home office in Galivants Ferry, S.C., the editorial staff at FITSNews is proud to unveil our “Top Ten Signs Obama Girl Is Famous.” Drumroll, please …
10. Forced to block Bill Clinton’s cell phone number, return box of ex-President’s favorite cigars.
9. Geeky bloggers keep flooding her website with suggested “I Got A Crush on Kucinich” lyrics.
8. Bono insists proceeds from duet could single-handedly eradicate world poverty.
7. After initially claiming credit for inventing her, Al Gore backs off when scientists link Obama Girl with sudden rise in global temperatures.
6. No longer “Bringing Sexy Back” by his lonesome, Justin Timberlake won’t stop calling with wardrobe suggestions for next year’s Super Bowl halftime show.
5. Al Queda issues death warrant for blasphemy of popular Afghan song, “I Got A Crush On Osama.”
4. Invitation from John McCain to testify at Senate campaign finance reform hearing closes with marriage proposal and instructions to check either “Yes,” “No,” or “Maybe” in one of the boxes provided.
3. Mitt Romney refuses to flip-flop on his original “pro-Obama Girl” position.
2. Secret Service assigns protective detail after intelligence reports identify Michelle Obama as a “credible threat.”
1. Current approval ratings higher than both Hillary’s and Barack’s … combined.
Seriously, thanks again to Obama Girl for showing us the love, and we look forward to more from our new friends at BarelyPolitical.com!
Stuff Keeps Breaking In Space June 15, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in US Politics.5 comments
AMERICA’S SPACE PROGRAM STRUGGLING, NOT TO MENTION EXPENSIVE
FITSNews – June 15, 2007 – It was Don Henley who famously sang “we haven’t had that spirit here since 1969” in the Eagles’ classic hit “Hotel California,” but it might as well have been an engineer at NASA. In the thirty-eight years since Neil Armstrong took “one giant leap for mankind,” America’s space program has boldly gone nowhere – struggling to recapture the national imagination, suffering through two horrific tragedies and consuming billions of taxpayer dollars in the process. In the wake of this week’s computer crash on the International Space Station, criticism of NASA is growing louder. For example, in yesterday’s Time Magazine story, author Jeff Kluger writes:
The station was originally proposed 23 years ago as an $8 billion orbiting laboratory that would perform cutting-edge biological research, manufacture new and highly marketable materials impossible to make in the gravity environment of Earth and generally pay for itself many times over. Close to two decades past deadline and now carrying a projected $100 billion price tag, it has not returned a lick of good science — nor is it likely to. Meantime, it’s diverting billions from NASA’s budget that could better be spent on the agency’s brilliantly successful unmanned space program, as well as its promising efforts to return astronauts to the moon and eventually explore Mars.
Seriously, what the hell is up at NASA? Nothing it builds is especially exciting anymore, and everything it builds seems to cost eleventy kabillion dollars … and then break. Which costs eleventy kabillion more dollars to fix. We don’t mean to be hating on outer space or anything like that (fact is, we wanted to be astronauts when we were little girls), but you’d have thought by now we’d be flying Star Trek ships, beaming people down to explore strange new worlds (with seventies shag carpet) and figuring out how to invent a longer-lasting Sun. Instead we’re conducting experiments on whether lizards can hump each other in zero gravity or not while circling the earth in a flying bucket of bolts that’s about as reliable as a defective Pinto.
Thad And Natalia June 15, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.6 comments
SOME THOUGHTS ON THE LATEST PALMETTO POLITICAL SOAP OPERA
FITSNews – June 15, 2007 – There’s no escaping the fact that the buzz in the Palmetto political blogosphere over the last 24 hours has focused on the personal lives of three folks who we here at FITSNews have had the pleasure of calling our friends at one time or another in the past. State Rep. Thad Viers, his estranged wife Natalie McKelvey and John Zeigler – the three central figures in this drama – are all good people, and the public scrutiny their personal lives are undergoing right now is something few of us can comprehend.
We’ve gotten lots of phone calls and e-mails from different people wondering why we haven’t weighed in on this made-for-the-blogosphere political soap opera, particularly in light of the fact that we’ve had access to the tape recordings at the heart of this story for some time now. People want to know – are we on somebody’s payroll? Does what’s currently happening to these three friends remind us of Sic Willie‘s own very public soap opera two years ago? Do we have some sort of personal connection going on here?
While the answer to the first question is an unequivocal “no,” the other two reasons do hit pretty close to home. We really like Thad, Natalie and John, we think all three of them have tremendous potential for their lives, and yes, we do know a little better than most what they’re going through right now. (more…)
Sanford Smoothes It Over With Lindsey Graham June 15, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.4 comments
GOVERNOR ASSURES SENATOR HE’S NOT RUNNING AGAINST HIM
FITSNews – June 15, 2007 – In response to our reporting about a recent poll that seemed to test the waters for a potential U.S. Senate run, S.C. Governor Mark Sanford has apparently called U.S. Sen. Lindsey Graham and assured him that he has no intention of running for Graham’s Senate seat. Sanford also reportedly told Graham that his organization had nothing to do with the poll.
Graham has been under intense incoming fire recently from many in the Republican party for his controversial position on immigration reform, with the poll question only fanning those flames.
While Sanford has smoothed things over with Graham, our sources tell us that the governor has not yet taken the time to call S.C. Attorney General Henry McMaster to assure him that his organization was not behind a recent leak of sensitive information targeting McMaster’s children.
Fred Thompson “Facts” June 14, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.8 comments
CANDIDATE SPLITTING ATOMS, THROWING FASTBALLS WITH HIS FEET
FITSNews – June 14, 2007 – Former U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson may have stopped just short of officially announcing his presidential candidacy on Jay Leno’s show the other night, but that hasn’t stopped some of his more ardent supporters from extolling his, um, many virtues. One site in particular, www.FredThompsonFacts.com, is particularly funny in its unflinching support of the candidate-to-be. For example, its author welcomes visitors to the site by saying:
The more I find out about Fred Thompson, the more I think he needs to be President. And I mean he should be President right now, like Dick Cheney should resign, President Bush should then appoint Fred Thompson to be Vice-President, and then President Bush should resign.
So what are the Fred Thompson facts? Well, according to the site, “Fred Thompson’s wit is so sharp that it can split apart atoms,” “Fred Thompson has never needed a hug,” “Fred Thompson can throw a 95-mph fastball … with his foot,” “The grass is always greener on Fred Thompson’s lawn,” “Fred Thompson doesn’t get sunburned, the sun gets Fred Thompson-burned,” “Waldo is hiding because of Fred Thompson,” and our personal favorite, “Fred Thompson reheats leftovers by staring at them.” Of course, we are attributing all of these facts because according to the site, “stealing these facts and calling them your own or using Fred Thompson’s name in vain will result in instant death by Fred Thompson.”
UPDATE – For a complete listing of the Fred Thompson “Facts,” click here.
Run, You Bastards June 14, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in Sports.2 comments
LACK OF STEALS CAUSES FITS’ FARTKNOCKERS TO SLIP INTO SECOND PLACE
FITSNews – June 14, 2007 – Despite ranking sixth in the Great Santini League in stolen bases for the past two months, the irrepressible FITS’ Fartknockers somehow managed to hang onto first place – until today. And yes, everytime he sits on the toilet Fartknockers’ owner Sic Willie still pretends he’s being interviewed by a gaggle of imaginary reporters about his team’s progress. And no, today’s interviews did not go well at all seeing as the evil Croon Crew now enjoys a half-game lead over the Fartknockers in the Santini standings.
“We’re just not running,” Sic Willie announced at this afternoon’s, um, press conference. “Every morning I look at the paper and pray to God that I’ll see somebody who got caught stealing. At least then I’d know we were running.”
The Fartknockers currently lead the GSL in batting average and ERA, and rank second in the league in wins, saves and ratio. Unfortunately, the team’s paltry total of 51 stolen bases remains a millstone hanging around its neck.
Obama Girl Has A Crush On FITSNews? June 14, 2007
Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.add a comment
SIC WILLIE HAS DISCOVERED THE AUDACITY OF HOPE, PEOPLE
FITSNews – June 14, 2007 – We tried to tell Sic Willie that his overnight obsession with Obama Girl was only going to break his heart, but you can’t tell boys anything during the throes of infatuation. Strolling into the office this morning like a proud peacock with Obama Girl’s “I Got A Crush on FITSNews” article taped to his forehead, it seemed the Palmetto State’s preeminent political bad boy had finally found true love. In fact, we’ve never seen him happier.
That’s why it broke our hearts to have to tell him that the New York Times, ABC News and Rolling Stone, among others, also got themselves some love from Obama Girl for their slightly more well-read coverage of the insta-classic tune, “I Got A Crush On Obama.”
Crestfallen, Sic Willie has cancelled his plans to hear Obama speak tomorrow in Greenville, S.C. so that he can sit in his office all day and sulk. Which come to think of it will make tomorrow no different from any other day here at FITSNews. Oh well, the good news is at least he’s not crying over Meredith Land anymore …
FITSNews For Now 
