The Less Popular Bloggers Are Whining … Again November 30, 2007Posted by fitsnews in The Press.
WE’RE SO MISUNDERSTOOD, PEOPLE
FITSNews – November 30, 2007 – We make no apologies for our irreverent approach to politics and pop culture here at FITSNews. We call it like we see it and try to have fun, and sometimes that approach rubs people the wrong way. Like this chick, who apparently can’t decide if she wants to shoot Sic Willie or have his babies:
I think FITSNews would admit that being loud and inflammatory is a blog-writing strategy over there. The irreverent, look-at-me approach gets him plenty of hits, I’m assuming. Throw up as much stuff as you can, put flashing neon lights around it, and see later if anything is accurate or has merit. It’s the wild west approach to blogging.
Sometimes what FITSNews publishes turns out to be right. I did give FITSNews full credit for the bar exam story on November 7. It took the State Newspaper two more days to even pick up the story, and I’m quite confident it never would have done so if FITSNews hadn’t exposed what happened.
She goes on to say, “how seriously can people take you when you’re sprinkling in all those provocative pictures of women to increase search engine hits and have a jokey tone about everything?” Aside from the glorious absence of subject-verb agreement in that sentence, let’s address this woman’s complaints head-on … (more…)
Behold, The Egg-Tooth Library November 30, 2007Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
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SINCE WHEN CAN PEOPLE READ IN ANDERSON COUNTY?
FITSNews – November 30, 2007 – First it was the Dolly Cooper Sports Complex, now it’s the Daniel T. Cooper Library and Government Center. Jeez. It seems all this brood of egg-teethers needs to complete world domination (and to completely drain the the state of South Carolina’s dwindling coffers) is an interchange/ boat ramp/ picnic area named after Melba. Which is probably do-able, because when it comes to blowing your tax dollars on monuments to themselves, nobody beats the Coopers of Anderson County.
Here’s what the spiffy new library’s namesake had to say in the Powdersville Journal, which for some unknown reason costs seventy-five cents:
“In Columbia, even after seventeen years in the House I’m still known as Dolly’s boy. I really can’t believe they just named a library after me. This is one of the unforgettable moments in my life.”
It’s hard to know where to start with that quote. First of all, if we were known as “Dolly’s boy” someplace, we would find a reason to go someplace else. Second of all, Mr. Crodanman, if you’re known as anything in Columbia it’s “Egg-tooth.” Get over it already. You’re also known as the biggest pork barrel spender in all of state government … well, who isn’t a Communist Oompa Loompa, anyway.
Of course, we are in complete agreement with the Egg-tooth on one point – we really can’t believe they just named a library after him, either. It’s not that we’re surprised he’s getting paid back for the millions of taxpayer dollars he’s shoveled up to The Land That Time Forgot over the years, we’re just surprised that so many people who can’t read are comfortable confronting the social awkwardness and inner demons that accompany a visit to the library.
Junior League Love November 29, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff.
SIC WILLIE MAKES QUITE AN IMPRESSION ON THE LADIES
FITSNews – November 29, 2007 – Two years ago, our very own Sic Willie wandered unshowered, unshaven and sporting a late ’80’s Soundgarden album cover T-Shirt into the annual Junior League Something-Or-Other Holiday Party. In his defense, he was wearing a sportscoat on top of the T-Shirt, but let’s just say it wasn’t exactly the sort of fiesta where thrift-store threads worn for days on end by a chain-smoking alcoholic were necessarily in demand.
Of course, that was before Sic shed his ripe Houndstooth winterwear and mozied his happy ass on over to the dance floor, which is where the magic always begins. Needless to say, a few hours later the Pimpfiniti left the premises with not one but TWO lovely ladies in tow. Amazingly, neither of them were wearing pearls, pregnant (yet) or habitual Talbot’s shoppers. Alright, one of them was a Talbot’s shopper.
Unfortunately, Sic had to decline his engraved invitation to return to the annual bash this year the due to the fact that a good 93% of local Junior Leaguers are simply unable to keep their repressed sexuality bottled up when his pelvis-thrusting skills are on display on the dance floor. Which is a recipe for trouble, especially considering Sic’s Facebook page clearly states that he is “in a relationship.” Well, that and the fact a lot of these gals’ husbands are gun-totin’ rednecks who enjoy huntin’ varmints.
At any rate, we’re sure there were several pre-boutique store mocha-estrogen fests this morning that were a little less interesting because of his absence …
NFL Murder Victim Targeted? November 29, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Sports.
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FORMER TEAMMATE SAYS SEAN TAYLOR WAS TARGETED
FITSNews – November 29, 2007 – Arizona Cardinals’ cornerback Antrel Rolle (pictured virtually above) is saying that his friend and former college teammate Sean Taylor was targeted. In case you haven’t been following this story, Taylor was shot and killed in his Miami residence Monday under suspicious circumstances. Police are saying it was a burglary gone wrong, but Rolle isn’t buying it. From the AP story:
“This was not the first incident,” Rolle said. “They’ve been targeting him for three years now.”
“They say it was a burglary. It absolutely was not a burglary,” Rolle said. “Down South, where we’re from, there were many people targeting Sean, a lot of jealousy, a lot of angry people.
“Sean, he had a large group of friends, and he no longer hung out with those friends, so you never know where this came from.”
You can read the latest on the police investigation in this report. Sad stuff, people.
Playboy’s Photographers Are Talented November 29, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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IT’S ALL ABOUT CREATING LAYERS OF INTERPRETATION, PEOPLE
FITSNews – November 29, 2007 – We’ve never heard of Charisma Carpenter before, so the news that she’s single all of a sudden does absolutely nothing for us. The news that she got naked three years ago, on the other hand, give us a wonderful opportunity to showcase the remarkable layering skill of Playboy‘s photographers.
Note how the image above effortlessly shifts from hardwood floor to exotic rug to supple flesh to environmentally-conscious greenery to urban cityscape to mountain range to open sky – all in one picture. City Mouse and Country Mouse are in agreement: This picture’s got something for everybody! Which is exactly the kind of artsy-fartsy thing that the asexuals who photograph naked women for a living are probably fretting over when they’re making sure Charisma’s butt crack is aligned with the proper building in the background.
Wait, there’s a naked girl there? We didn’t even see her. They could have put a reclining sea lion in this picture and we’d still be too distracted by daydreams of hugging a tree, mountain-climbing or reflooring our kitchen.
Of course, Sic Willie noticed Charisma fairly quickly, and has been trying to “rub the black box off” of his computer screen for the last four hours.
Meet The New Spanish Inquisition November 29, 2007Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
IT’S THE S.C. SUPREME COURT, BABY!
FITSNews – November 29, 2007 – Since our coverage of Beattygate and the South Carolina bar exam scandal has probably gotten us kicked off the S.C. Supreme Court‘s Christmas Card List this year, we figure there’s no danger in breaking the news this afternoon that the Court’s Office of Disciplinary Counsel is reportedly being investigated by federal authorities for the Gestapo-like search and seizure methods it uses in investigating ethical complaints against attorneys.
Employing a tool called the “Demand Subpoena Duces Tecum” – which sounds a lot like a form of lubrication we’d rather not get into – the Supreme Court can send an officer with a badge and a gun into any lawyers’ office at any time (with or without notice) and seize any file they want right there on the spot. In addition to this highly questionable investigative practice, which has been explicitly-sanctioned and employed by the Justices in numerous cases reviewed by FITSNews, the Court also doesn’t seem especially keen on having anybody looking over its shoulders.
Freedom from illegal search and seizure? Due process? Right to an appeal? If you’re an attorney in South Carolina, you can forget about all of those things … (more…)
FITSNews Exclusive – S.C. Governor To Be Investigated November 29, 2007Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
SENATE PANEL TO DELVE INTO COMPETITIVE GRANTS PROGRAM
FITSNews – November 29, 2007 – A well-placed source within the S.C. Senate says that a formal investigation of Gov. Mark Sanford’s competitive grants “scandal” will be announced “as soon as the legislature reconvenes (in the second week of January), if not sooner.”
A source of headaches for both the governor and his sparring partners in the S.C. General Assembly, the competitive grants program has been a veritable scandal factory ever since we blew the whistle on its shady dealings eight months ago.
As we mentioned a few weeks back, State Rep. Michael Thompson is sponsoring a bill that would eliminate the program, which was created to foster economic development but has since turned into a legislative slush fund with millions in unauthorized and unaccounted for expenditures.
Did Hell Just Freeze Over? November 29, 2007Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics, US Politics.
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CLYBURN SAYS HE SUPPORTS EDUCATION TAX CREDITS
FITSNews – November 29, 2007 – Democratic Majority Whip Jim Clyburn, who up to this point in his political career hasn’t recognized good ideas even when they bit him square on the ass, shocked the hell out of us in a fundraising e-mail earlier this month by saying he supports “tax credits for middle class families.” Surely he didn’t mean education tax credits, we thought, because everybody knows those have been branded as the Great Satan by all of Clyburn’s buddies in the education establishment.
The reference was included in a fundraising e-mail supporting the Democrats for Education Reform, and every other reference in the message was about education, but seriously, this had to be a typo …. Jim Clyburn? Supporting something that makes this much sense?
We checked it out with Clyburn’s peeps and were shocked to hear that the Congressman “specifically endorsed education tax credits at the event.”
Unfortunately, at that point we felt a tightness in our chests and had to discontinue the interview … we’re better now, but sadly no more Hardee’s hash rounds in the morning for us.
UDPATE – Check out this article from Matthew Ladner over at the Goldwater Institute for more on what Clyburn’s declaration means. And when you’re done with that, check out the group’s president, Darcy Olsen. Aye Cabana Boy, people!
Chillin’ At Da Compound November 28, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Satire.
IT’S GETTING A LITTLE HOT FOR THE BRANCH SIC WILLIANS
FITSNews – November 28, 2007 – Since absolutely nothing is happening today we decided we’d make up a story about a radical, albeit technically non-existent cult called the Branch Sic Willians who built themselves a compound in the middle of rural Anderson County where everybody just sat around and got sarcastically kooky until the Feds came and, um, smoked them all out. Then we figured that making fun of people dying – even if they were all batsh*t crazy – probably isn’t nice. So here’s some real news instead …
GREENPEACE V. NINTENDO – The environmentalists are suing the video game makers over not properly disposing of thier empty cartridges or something. Yeah, we don’t know either. This is interesting to us only because a) absolutely nothing is happening today and b) it’s sort of fun to imagine a bunch of smelly hippies stepping into the ring against a phalanx of short, hyperactive Japanese executives. It also gives us an opportunity to revive our famous Nintendo No GameBoy post.
OJ SAYS HE DIDN’T DO IT … AGAIN – Whatever. “Juice did that sh*t.” In fact, whoever is prosecuting Simpson on these latest charges – which stem from the recent armed robbery of some sports memorabilia dudes in Las Vegas – let’s just say this is the most gift-wrapped case they’re ever going to see. After “not” murdering his ex-wife and another man back in 1994 (and then playing a lot of golf), OJ should’ve known that a simple jaywalk meant he was pretty much screwed. In fact, OJ could have been videotaped dispensing needed food and medicine to third world babies in the middle of Africa surrounded by a million witnesses at the time of this “alleged” robbery and if we were on the jury his ass would still be headed to the gas chamber.
THEY’RE RIOTING IN FRANCE – Seriously? We’re actually writing about this? Did we mention absolutely nothing is happening today? Usually we confine our riot coverage to stories about effeminate-looking Russians hatin’ on gay people (that’s actually our Christmas card this year), but for the moment we forgot that the sort of hot socialist who recently ran for President in France actually lost her race. Which sucks, because as it turns out some white guy branding the rioting as “unacceptable” isn’t remotely interesting. A hot socialist chick branding the rioting as “unacceptable,” on the other hand, is very interesting.
Fortunately, we’ve got a couple of kick ass breaking news stories to post over the next two days that will make all the ADD nonsense you just suffered through worthwhile. That is if they don’t burn down our compound first.
Kirk Herbstreit Is Pessimistic November 28, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Sports.
ESPN ANALYST “JUST SAYS NO” TO COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF
FITSNews – November 28, 2007 – Believe it or not, there’s actually something more ass-backward than South Carolina politics. It’s called the college football postseason, which is unique among postseasons in organized sports because it doesn’t actually settle the elemental competitive question of “who’s #1” with actual competition, instead choosing politics and crazy algorithms to produce its national championship game. Monkeys and abacuses, people, monkeys and abacuses.
Of course unlike South Carolina, the status quo backers in the world of big-time college football (including ESPN analyst Kirk Herbstreit) are actually presiding over a financially successful endeavor as opposed to a bunch of unemployed, illiterate backwoods bumpkins. Which we guess is one reason why they’d rather not change things and institute a college football playoff system, which is favored by nearly 80% of the fans.
Anyway, Herbstreit was on ESPN this morning giving the notion of a CFB playoff the old “never happen,” while at the same time defending the integrity of the current system, which is once again under fire for failing to give the people what they want – and the coaches and players what they deserve. (more…)