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Girl-Crushing On Kathleen Parker December 31, 2006

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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kathleen parker2

NATIONALLY-SYNDICATED COLUMNIST IS WHO WE WANT TO BE WHEN WE GROW UP

FITSNews – December 31, 2006 – We totally loved Kathleen Parker’s column this morning.

Witty, flirtatious, mildly-irreverent and (as usual) exceptionally well-written, it was everything a good column should be, of course in all fairness we have had a longstanding girl-crush on the author. (more…)

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Adopt-A-Pet This New Year December 31, 2006

Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff.
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sqrescue may

SAY HEY TO MAY, A BASSET HOUND-BEAGLE MIX WHO NEEDS A NEW HOME FOR THE NEW YEAR

FITSNews – December 31, 2006 – Say hey to May.

She’s an adorable Basset Hound-Beagle mix who absolutely loves playing with kids and other dogs – and vegging out in front of the television, too, of course. She’s a beautiful tri-color who is already house-trained and fixed, and she’s up-to-date on all her shots, too.

Won’t you help make May’s New Year one to remember by giving her a loving home? She would sure be grateful. (more…)

NFL Playoff Scenarios Hurting Our Heads December 31, 2006

Posted by fitsnews in Sports.
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Chad Pennington2

LOOKS LIKE PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY BUT OAKLAND RAIDERS STILL IN THE HUNT TO MAKE PLAYOFFS

FITSNews – December 31, 2006 – Somebody get us some aspirin. Or better yet two of those Advil Liquigel capsules.

We tried to figure out the NFL playoff picture earlier today and all we got was a splitting headache. Apparently, Sic Willie‘s Indianapolis Colts are in, but whether they get a first-round bye or not depends on the Baltimore Ravens, the alignment of the moons of Endor and the precise location of the head of Alfredo Garcia. (more…)

Saddam Hanging Video Morbidly Fascinates December 31, 2006

Posted by fitsnews in The Press, US Politics.
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Saddam Statue2

AMERICA SEEMS TO GET OFF WATCHING ITS ENEMIES DIE, AND HEADLINE OF THIS POST MAY OR MAY NOT BE WRITTEN IN IAMBIC PENTAMETER

FITSNews – December 31, 2006 – Apparently, a goodly number of our colleagues in the blogosphere are tripping over themselves to post video clips of the Saddam Hussein execution. Just click on any of the links in that last sentence to see what we mean.

Mainstream networks like CNN and NBC are vowing to use discretion in showing the footage of the execution, but let’s be honest – nothing gets TV anchorpeople off quite like staring into the camera with an especially concerned look on their face and saying “the images you are about to see are shocking, graphic and disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised.” And nothings gets TV executives off quite like watching their anchorpeople do that. (more…)

John Edwards Flaps His Arms Too Much December 31, 2006

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries, Satire.
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John Edwards

NEWEST OFFICIAL PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE NEEDS TO RATION EXHAUSTING ARM GESTURES

FITSNews – December 31, 2006 – Conducting a Google photo search of Democratic Presidential candidate John Edwards is exhausting business.

Seriously, his arms are flapping all over the place in so many different pictures it makes us tired.

It’s not just the picture above. Or the one we used of him three days ago. (more…)

Some Rare Praise for Shrub December 30, 2006

Posted by fitsnews in US Politics.
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Bush Speaking

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES PUTS OUT A THOUGHTFUL AND ARTICULATE STATEMENT ON A MAJOR WORLD EVENT FOR A CHANGE

FITSNews – December 30, 2006 – The worst thing about a major world event occuring is that Shrub (a.k.a. President George W. Bush) usually puts out a statement giving his opinion about whatever it was that happened.

And Shrub’s statements usually suck – more often than not because they are a) totally wrong, b) strangely similar to what you’d hear during snakehandling revival week at a Free Will Baptist church, or c) completely drunk on alliteration (“the present progress of peace and purpose is presaged by the persistence and pervasiveness of our powerful and proper presence”). (more…)

Miss Tennessee Has Pretty Eyes December 30, 2006

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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Miss Tennessee2

SHE ALSO SINGS, HELPS ABUSED CHILDREN AND ISN’T OUT PARIS HILTON-ING IT UP ALL THE TIME

FITSNews – December 30, 2006 – Since we’ve written so much about beauty queens drinking underage, using illegal drugs and basically whoring it up all the time, we figured we should also tell you about one who isn’t doing any of those things.

Blaire Pancake, the reigning Miss Tennessee, is a Phi Beta Kappa honor student, the official spokeswoman for Prevent Child Abuse Tennessee, an amatuer archaeologist and avid History Channel watcher. She also has her real estate license and wrote this really nice Christmas article in a bunch of Tennessee newspapers … you know, for the kids. (more…)

Hussein Hanged, Etc. December 30, 2006

Posted by fitsnews in US Politics.
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Saddam

FORMER SHOTGUN-WAVING DICTATOR GOES TO GALLOWS

FITSNews – December 30, 2006 – Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein was hanged at dawn for crimes against humanity along with his half-brother Barzan Ibrahim and former Revolutionary Court judge Hamad al-Bandar.

Hussein, who was responsible for the death of hundreds of thousands of Kurds, Shiites and other dissenters to his rule in Iraq, went on trial in October 2005 after being captured three years ago during the U.S.-led invasion. (more…)

Gamecocks Win, Tigers Lose December 29, 2006

Posted by fitsnews in Sports.
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Moe Brown2

AND SIC WILLIE IS OBVIOUSLY NO TRAVIS BELL WHEN IT COMES TO TAKING PICTURES

FITSNews – December 29, 2006 – What a night in Memphis.

South Carolina pulled out a dramatic 44-36 victory over the Houston Cougars to capture the Liberty Bowl Championship and finish the 2006 season with an 8-5 record. Clemson also finished its season at 8-5 after falling to Kentucky 28-20 in the Music City Bowl in Nashville.

We all stormed the field at the end of the game to celebrate with the Gamecocks, and Sic Willie snapped a couple of especially awful pictures, including the one above of Carolina WR Moe Brown‘s blurry back (as opposed to his in-focus front).

Clearly Sic Willie needs to attend former gubernatorial photographer Travis Bell‘s photo workshop in Columbia January 13.

Anyway, here are a few of his talent-challenged thumbnails from the weekend:

Mississippi Beale Street Sign beale street Peabody liberty bowl liberty bowl tickets liberty bowl crowd liberty bowl offense liberty bowl touchdown liberty bowl scoreboard liberty bowl bennett liberty bowl jasper

It’s Not Tony Romo And Carrie Underwood But … December 29, 2006

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture, Sports.
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Carrie Underwood2

ANOTHER COUNTRY MUSIC DIVA IS DOING HALFTIME SHOW AT LIBERTY BOWL IN MEMPHIS TODAY

FITSNews – December 29, 2006 – We’re going to level with you … the only reason for this article is we wanted to write another headline with Tony Romo and Carrie Underwood in the title.

Seriously, like half the Western Hemisphere clicked on our last article, published mid-game as Romo sucked it up against the Philadelphia Eagles last Sunday.

Anyway, if you wanted some updated Romo-Underwood news, we’re sorry to be such a tease. In fact, all we’ve been able to uncover in the last five days about the relationship is that Romo is getting bitched at by Terrell Owens for not throwing him the ball enough and Underwood is a vegetarian. (more…)