jump to navigation

Those Ron Paul Crazies Are At It Again October 31, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries, Satire.
8 comments

straitjacketronpaul

MASSIVE SPAM WAVE FROM THE LIBERTARIAN? POSSIBLE VOTER ASSIMILATION AHEAD?

FITSNews – October 31, 2007 – It goes without saying that we’re all about lower taxes, less government and more individual liberty here at FITSNews

Yet for some reason, we just haven’t been able to wrap our brains around the whole Ron Paul Revo-libertarian-ution, although it is true that our founding editor Sic Willie briefly flirted with the notion of voting for the Texas Congressman after discovering that he had a volunteer stripper supporting him. (Editor’s note: Alright, he briefly flirted with the stripper herself, not the notion of voting for anybody).

All kidding aside, though, what’s our problem with Ron Paul? Aside from the fact that we really, REALLY don’t trust people with two first names, we’re quite simply convinced that his supporters are a bunch of stark, raving lunatics. And we’re not sure Dr. Paul’s elevator goes all the way to the top, either.

Anyway, for a candidate espousing such hardcore libertarian views, we thought it was rather odd that a massive Ron Paul spam wave went out shortly after the last Republican presidential debate, sending millions of unsolicited e-mails through what Wired magazine called a “world-wide network of hijacked computers” utilizing “common methods to defeat spam filters.” (more…)

Pathetic October 31, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff.
add a comment

peyton road white

SIC WILLIE’S COSTUME, TRICK-OR-TREAT METHODOLOGY LEAVE SOMETHING TO BE DESIRED

FITSNews – October 31, 2007 – The fact that Sic Willie is thirty-three years old and still went “Trick-or-Treating” tonight is pathetic. The fact that his “costume” consisted solely of a 2001 Peyton Manning “Road White” Indianapolis Colts jersey (pictured above) is even more pathetic. The fact that he covered his face in soot, hunched over to look shorter and used a pillowcase to collect his candy? That’s just a lawsuit waiting to happen, people …

Speaking of lawsuits, we keep telling Sic that since his recent counterclaim was settled, he can afford to buy all the candy he wants. But there’s just something about getting a free pillowcase full of Twix, Snickers, Dum-Dums, Tootsie Pops, Kit-Kats, Airheads, Reese’s Cups and (crispity-cruchity) Butterfingers that his frugal sweet tooth can’t pass up. Of course we’ve also told him that when people have actually dressed up as Will Folks for Halloween before, it kind of defeats the whole purpose of going as “somebody else.”

Believe it or not, Sic actually interviewed the future Super Bowl XLI MVP one October afternoon back in 1997, when Manning was in his senior year at the University of Tennessee. Also true is that later that same evening, he was struck by a car while riding his bicycle, which much to the future regret of many in the S.C. General Assembly, did not kill him.

The Waste Brigade October 31, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
5 comments

hazardous waste

WHEN BIG GOVERNMENT BACKERS ATTACK

FITSNews – October 31, 2007 – As welcomes go, it certainly wasn’t the politest we’ve seen. But then again, yesterday’s showdown over waste and mismanagement at the $1.8 billion State Budget & Control Board (B&CB) was bound to be contentious. That’s generally what happens when an intelligent individual who cares about protecting taxpayers presents findings to a group comprised mostly of thick-skulled Democrats whose very existence depends on perpetuating their exploitation.

In fact, Charleston businessman Chad Walldorf hadn’t even finished introducing the members of his GEAR report committee before the legislative panel investigating its cost-saving recommendations began attacking the credibility of the report.

Not at all surprisingly, that trail was blazed by State Sen. Hugh Leatherman, the leading sponsor and preeminent defender of Columbia’s wasteful status quo, who interrupted Walldorf during his introductions to point out that the committee’s recommendations were not unanimous.

Of course, what Leatherman failed to mention was that the chief detractor of the report, former B&CB Executive Director Rick Kelly, was appointed to the committee by Leatherman himself – and attended just one of its meetings. The other committee member who objected to its findings, former B&CB Chief of Staff Stephen Osborne, was appointed to the committee by Leatherman’s “partner in Socialism,” House Ways & Means Chairman Dan Cooper. (more…)

S.C. Attorney General Hatin’ On Gamecocks October 31, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics, Sports.
4 comments

end of gamecocks

HENRY McMASTER BETTER CHECK HIMSELF BEFORE HE WRECKS HIMSELF

FITSNews – October 31, 2007 – We know it’s been a bad two weeks for Gamecock football, but according to S.C. Attorney General Henry McMaster, it’s been damn apocalyptic. Why else would McMaster, a two-time USC grad, show up in the Greenville Times-Examiner under the banner headline “End of Gamecocks in Sight.”

Needless to say, this story was leaked to us by a die-hard Clemson fan, albeit anonymously.

Of course it shouldn’t be too hard for us to track them down considering there are only a handful of Clemson fans who can read. In case you were wondering, our money is on McMaster spokesman (and Clemson grad) Mark Plowden. Not funny, dude. Not funny …

Who’s Huma? October 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
4 comments

huma

CAN WE GET AN “AYE CABANA BOY,” PEOPLE?

FITSNews – October 30, 2007 – In case you’ve never heard of Huma Abedin before (and odds are if you live in South Carolina, you haven’t), she’s New York Senator Hillary Clinton‘s right-hand woman. She’s also some kind of a foreigner, which may scare some people, but not us. And apparently not Sic Willie, who for like the twentieth time this week is smitten beyond all capability for rational thought.

Seriously, all day it’s been “Huma this,” “Huma that,” even “Huma with a wiffleball bat.” But we’re not going there.

So who is she? Well according to some girl who’s lez-crushing on her in the new Vogue magazine, she’s a traffic-stopping goddess:

“I think she has special powers,” said public-radio broadcaster Katia Dunn, who recently crossed paths with Ms. Abedin and Mrs. Clinton at a café on Capitol Hill. Ms. Dunn explained that she had heard about the “cult of Huma,” but had never met her. “All of a sudden, I turn around and there was this woman I now know to be Huma. And it wasn’t just that she was gorgeous—she did just sort of have this presence. She stopped me in my tracks for a second. It’s not like she’s incredibly coiffed, she just looked very composed and confident in her natural beauty. She momentarily arrested our progress. What’s amazing is that she didn’t even yell at us or anything—she didn’t have to.”

In addition to not yelling and having special powers, Huma is also a sucker for Oscar de la Renta gowns and Marc Jacobs bags. Check and check, baby!

How The Little Digger Rolls October 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
6 comments

leatherman ride

SENATOR LEATHERMAN HAS A PIMP NEW RIDE, BUT DID THE BABY BOOSTER COST EXTRA?

FITSNews – October 30, 2007 – If you’re new to South Carolina politics, then this post probably won’t make a whole lot of sense to you. You’d have no way of knowing, for example, that we basically have a curmudgeony Lilliputian who runs state government, or that he’s basically a Communist. You probably also wouldn’t get any “short jokes” we may or may not be getting ready to make about Sen. Hugh Leatherman and his brand new Mercedes Benz S 550.

For example, did the car’s $104,175.00 MSRP (Manufacturer’s Suggested Retail Price) include this baby booster, or did the Senator have to pay extra for it?

Honestly, we went to the S.C. State House today on official business (covering the Joint Legislative Committee on Government Accountability and Oversight’s hearing on the Government Efficiency and Accountability Review Committee report -whew!), but since that sh*t was like watching paint dry, we proudly present these snapshots of the Little Digger’s new ride. Journalism, ta da!

leatherman ride3 leatherman ride front leatherman ride2

UPDATEFITSNews will have a full report on the mouthful of a meeting we attended today (including excerpts from an exclusive interview with Senate President Glenn McConnell) coming soon …

Paris Is An Inventor October 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
1 comment so far

paris car

A NOBEL PRIZE IS DEFINITELY ON THE HORIZON

FITSNews – October 30, 2007 – We’re not 100% sure, but it certainly appears that Paris Hilton has mastered the technology associated with attaching a dildo to a Vodka bottle, thus satisfying her two most basic needs in one handy dandy carry-along. You can view the full picture here, assuming of course you’re one of those gullible people who doesn’t believe that STD’s can be contracted through the Internet.

We’re not gullible, nor are we presumptuous enough to know where the “portable alcoholic dildo” ranks in the pantheon of human discovery. Our guess is it would be somewhere between the polio vaccine and silent velcro. Which would mean as inventors go, Paris is somewhere between Jonas Salk and that kid in the movie Garden State who invented silent velcro.

Nobel prize-worthy? You better believe it, people.

Huckles Is Doing Pretty Good October 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
add a comment

Huckabee Interview

FORMER ARKANSAS GOVERNOR ON THE RISE IN IOWA

FITSNews – October 30, 2007 – We “heart Huckabee” here at FITSNews. We also “like Mike.” In fact, ever since we interviewed the former Arkansas governor with those two names earlier this year, it’s been all the FITS gals could do not to become complete and total groupies of the former bass player/ Baptist preacher. Maybe this post has something to do with it? Who knows …

Anyway, while we’ve stopped short of overtly gushing over Huckles due to some legitimate concerns about his fiscal record, the same cannot be said for the Des Moines Register, which showed him some serious love in this morning’s paper. It wasn’t quite as shameless as our local rag La Socialista fawning all over the State Superintendent of Education or anything, but it did make us blush just a little bit.

In fact, the Iowa publication thinks Huckles has a chance to win that state’s January caucus, despite the mountain of money spent there by former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney.

Rock on, Huck. Rock on …

S.C. Leads The Nation In “Dropout Factories” October 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
3 comments

smokestacks

CHEECH AND CHONG WOULD BE PROUD

FITSNews – October 30, 2007 – When it comes to sending our kids’ futures “up in smoke,” no state is doing a better job than South Carolina. According to a new report released yesterday, South Carolina leads the nation in its percentage of “Dropout Factories,” or high schools that graduate less than 60% of their incoming freshmen. Of course, this news shouldn’t be all that surprising considering our state has the lowest graduation rate in the entire country and ranks 49th nationally in both SAT and ACT scores.

There is good news, though, as the ranking did provide S.C. Department of Education spokesman Jim Foster with yet another opportunity to make our state proud in the Washington Post:

“Part of the problem we’ve had here is we live in a state that culturally and traditionally has not valued a high school education,” Foster said.

Wow. If that isn’t selling the greatness of South Carolina, we don’t know what is. (more…)

Hatin’ On Hill October 29, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
1 comment so far

hillary haters

IT’S A VAST BOTH-WING SOMETHING OR OTHER, PEOPLE

FITSNews – October 29, 2007 – It seems no matter where you turn this week, somebody’s hatin’ on Hillary Clinton. Whether it’s Barack Obama and John Edwards taking her to task on Social Security, or former GOP frontrunner John McCain popping her for supporting a taxpayer-funded Woodstock Museum, the bulls-eye on Mrs. Clinton’s back is starting to take some serious arrows lately.

McCain’s South Carolina staff is even including the tagline “the only conservative who can beat Hillary Clinton” on all of its outgoing campaign e-mails.

So what gives? Why’s everybody hatin’ on Hill all of a sudden?

Well, for Clinton’s Democratic rivals, it’s all about cutting into Hillary’s ridonkulously large lead in the polls. Both Obama and Edwards pledged to run clean, “different” campaigns focusing on what they would do as President (as opposed to what anybody else would or wouldn’t do), but it’s clear the Clinton juggernaut has forced them to alter, if not completely abandon, that strategy. For McCain, it’s all about using anti-Clinton rhetoric to climb back into the top tier of an increasingly competitive (and caustic) GOP primary field. (more…)