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There Is Hope For Us All December 11, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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lohan goofball

EVEN YOU, SIC WILLIE

FITSNews – December 11, 2007 – We’re gonna go out a limb and guess that the bug-eyed dude in the picture above is either a demonic sorcerer, multigazillionaire or incredibly reliable porn star. In fact, he’s probably all three of those things. Because short of that (or some advancement in cardboard cut-out technology that we’re not aware of), there’s really no way to explain this picture, unless of course he’s got a winning personality, in which case it would make perfect sense.

Seriously, if this guy scored with Lindsay Lohan, we should all stop for a moment, think about what we’re doing with our lives and aim a little bit higher. Because the sky is obviously the limit, people. In fact, we can see clearly now the rain is gone. We can see all obstacles in our way. Gone are the dark clouds that had us blind. It’s gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sun-shiny day.

So go for that promotion, run that extra mile, tell that special someone how you really feel. Nothing is stopping you today, Tiger.

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Scientists Can Turn Fruit Flies Queer December 10, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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gay fruit flies

IT’S ALL IN THE NAME OF DISCOVERY, PEOPLE

FITSNews – December 10, 2007 – As much as we wish we were making this story up, researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago really did announce today that they’ve figured out a way to isolate the sexuality gene in fruit flies and turn it either “on” or “off” using drugs. Oh, and if that didn’t make you horny as hell, we included a photo of two male fruit flies getting it on (presumably while listening to some Marvin Gaye) to complete the mood. You can thank us later, people.

Anyway, between this homo fruit fly experiment and the U.S. Air Force’s flirtation with the “Gay Love Bomb,” we’re starting to wonder what the hell is going on beneath those white lab coats that scientists wear all the time. Seriously, why aren’t these morons isolating the gene that makes all of us look like Angelina Jolie or Clive Owen? Or the gene that makes blended venti mocha frappucinos take a little off of our hips? Or for that matter getting rid of the gene that makes people bad drivers, Patriots fans, pedderasses or psycho-killers (qu’est-ce que c’est)?

God only knows how many millions of dollars worth of federal grants were devoted to getting a bunch of male fruit flies to ditch the chicks and start pounding each other’s rectums like a scene from Deliverance, but if it was one red cent it was one red cent too much. Scientists seriously need to stop dicking around and do something productive, or at the very least heterosexual, with their time and our hard-earned tax dollars.

Maggie Gyllenhaal Is Hot December 8, 2007

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sherrybaby

THE CONFUSION IS OVER, PEOPLE

FITSNews – December 8, 2007 – It’s been nearly five months since our founding editor Sic Willie became obsessed with answering one of the fundamental riddles of our time – specifically, is Maggie Gyllenhaal hot or not? Seeking to resolve his initial confusion, Sic went out and purchased Gyllenhaal’s latest offering – Sherrybaby – on DVD for him and the FITS gals to watch this weekend.

While Sic instantly related to the film’s central theme of a bad girl seeking to rehabilitate her life after several run-ins with drugs, alcohol and prison, he also couldn’t help but notice the fact that Gyllenhaal’s character, Sherry Swanson, was pretty much either naked or bra-less for the entire movie.

Frankly we found that highly offensive, people, seeing as we would never stoop to such crass objectification as a means of spreading our message of hope and empowerment. Having said that, we look forward to the edited Lifetime TV version of Sherrybaby, which we trust will strike a more appropriate balance between genuine inspirational value and the shallow exploitation of the feminine form … kind of like FITSNews does, for example, in posts like this.

Bless You, Child December 7, 2007

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lindsay no bra again

UNDERWEAR IS CONFINING, BUT FREEDOM IS WHAT AMERICA’S ALL ABOUT, PEOPLE

FITSNews – December 7, 2007 – Today is indeed a “date which will live in infamy,” but not because our favorite popslut Linday Lohan decided to go out on the town without any underwear … again. That’s a date that will live in something else. Like Sic Willie‘s pants, for example.

Of course, it’s also a profound statement on the resilience of democracy in a perilous and unpredictible New World Order. After all, isn’t shedding the forces that seek to restrain us what freedom is all about?

God bless you, Lindsay. And God bless America. There ain’t no doubt we love this land …

Whatever December 6, 2007

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donald trump tip

DONALD TRUMP LEAVES WAITER A $10,000 TIP?

FITSNews – December 6, 2007 – This will probably turn out to be one of those pointless hoaxes – you know, like men landing on the moon or someone shooting President Kennedy – but both Tyler Durden and The Superficial are reporting that Donald Trump left some waiter a $10,000 tip on an $82.27 tab on Monday.

We attempted to compute that tip in terms of its percentage of the tab on our handy dandy cell phone tip calculator but it kept frowning at us every time we tried to type in the numbers. Then it spit at us, honest-to-God, at which point we gave up and spent an hour feeling sorry for ourselves.

It could be that our lack of sticktuitiveness is why some people have $2.9 billion to do crazy stuff like this and we don’t, but then again unlike Trump at least our Miss Teen USA beauty pageants are on the level, people. After all, how is it our fault that the judges find us so beautiful, talented and engaging year after year?

Tara Reid Or Dawndy Mercer? December 6, 2007

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tara reid

THE MAGIC EIGHT BALL SEZ …

FITSNews – December 6, 2007 – Since we’re obviously on a local news anchor kick this week, which may or may not be the result of Sic Willie forgetting to pay our cable bill, now seems like as good a time as any to discuss the remarkable resemblance between popslut Tara Reid and South Carolina’s most-recognized news anchor, the 100% wholesome Dawndy Mercer.

In the interest of full disclosure, we have no pictures of Miss Reid adorning the walls here at FITSNews world headquarters, but Sic does have a signed Dawndy magazine cover prominently featured alongside autographed pics from FOXNews’ Laurie Dhue, Inside Edition’s Deborah Norville and ABC’s Dianne Sawyer, who wished our favorite bad boy “A warm hello.” Which is practically throwing herself at him, for crying out loud!

We forgot our original reason for posting this, incidentally, but we’re pretty sure it had something to do with reminding everyone that Sic is one sexy beast! With glistening muscles, world-renowned listening skills and a “bankroll on swole,” people!

Johnny Depp Needs To Stick With The Pirate Look December 6, 2007

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depp

BECAUSE THIS IS DOING NOTHING FOR US

FITSNews – December 6, 2007 – It’s hard to believe that we’re actually recommending grungy clothes, poor oral hygeine, effemenite mannerisms and skipping showering as a way of attracting the ladies, but in the case of Johnny Depp that seems to be the winning strategy.

Anyway, we have no idea what Depp was thinking when he decided to show up looking like this at some ritzy event we could care less about, but if it had anything to do with picking up other men or molesting little boys, well, mission accomplished.

Seriously, Captain Jack Sparrow would make Depp’s sissy ass walk the plank for dressing like this, people. We’d call it “Boy George meets Harry Potter,” but that would be a compliment, wouldn’t it? The truth is the only way Depp could look any gayer in these pictures would be if he ditched the suit pants in favor of some Richard Simmons-style workout shorts. And even then it would probably only increase the gayness by a fraction of a percent, because everybody knows nothing says “bad ass” quite like some pink candy cane workout shorts.

Selma Blair Is Single December 5, 2007

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selma blair

SIC WILLIE’S YEAR-LONG MALAISE IS OVER, PEOPLE

FITSNews – December 5, 2007 – Ever since Sic Willie first saw the amazing video of WLTX morning anchor Nat Roers getting bench-pressed in mid-air by a professional bodybuilder a little over a year ago, his obsession with becoming an international strongman to impress brunettes on television has literally consumed every waking moment of his life.

And while the lovely and talented Ms. Roers is sadly betrothed to another, it turns out his second-favorite brunette of all-time is suddenly single. And more than a little randy, according to a recent interview she did with People magazine:

Surrounded by lace slips and garter belts, the actress said her newly single status doesn’t lessen her love of lingerie. “I have a lot of it, but mostly for myself,” she said. “It just makes you feel beautiful.” And that, incidentally, is also what she’s looking for in a man. “I want someone who makes me feel good,” she said, adding with a sly smile, “if you know what I mean.”

We do know what you mean, Selma, but “lace slips,” “garter belts,” “single status,” “love of lingerie,” and “sly smile” were all helpful hints. Aye Cabana, people! It’s time to fire up the Nintendo No Game Boy again! Not to mention pay a visit to our good friends over at Tullulah on Devine Street for some choice unmentionables.

Sic’s Choice Is Baby Spice December 4, 2007

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baby spice

BUT THEN AGAIN HE MAY BE THE REAL SLIM SHADY

FITSNews – December 4, 2007 – It’s been eight years since rapper Eminem first posed his famous philosophical hypothetical about “which Spice Girl he’d like to impregnate,” and ever since some of the greatest minds in all of Western Civilization have sought to unlock the interrogative’s profound metaphysical mysteries. Our own Sic Willie, for example, has devoted several years of his life to studying the question.

Since opportunities for legitimate edification don’t come along all that often in today’s crass, materialistic society (and since our previous research has determined that Sic’s taste in women is a little off), we’d like to throw the “Eminem imperative” out there for some additional discussion in the hopes of gaining a better assessment of its cultural significance.

So … which Spice Girl would you like to impregnate?

Stop The Objectification December 3, 2007

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jlh ocean

OR ELSE JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT IS GOING TO EAT YOU

FITSNews – December 3, 2007 – Amazingly, that’s not a picture of the Queen Mary 2 docking in San Francisco, although we think you’ll agree the water displacement is remarkably similar. That, dear friends, is Jennifer Love Hewitt, who today let certain people who have made fun of her weight in the past know that she’s had enough. From her official website:

This is the last time I will address this subject.

I’ve sat by in silence for a long time now about the way women’s bodies are constantly scrutinized. To set the record straight, I’m not upset for me, but for all of the girls out there that are struggling with their body image.

A size 2 is not fat! Nor will it ever be. And being a size 0 doesn’t make you beautiful.

What I should be doing is celebrating some of the best days of my life and my engagement to the man of my dreams, instead of having to deal with photographers taking invasive pictures from bad angles. I know what I look like, and so do my friends and family. And like all women out there should, I love my body.

To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini — put it on and stay strong.

Xoxo

It takes a lot to touch our inner children, but this the closest anybody has come in a long, long time. In fact, we’re fundamentally rethinking our whole approach to life, because it really shouldn’t be about getting cheap laughs at somebody else’s expense.

Incidentally, we heard there was a postscript originally attached to this message that made a loud foghorn sound and had something to do with Jennifer Love Hewitt eating people, but we’re guessing her publicists took that part out. Assuming she hasn’t eaten them, anyway … what? We’re just reporting the news, people.