Hello, Big Apple September 30, 2007Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
SIC WILLIE DROPS FRESH POLITICAL BEATS ON THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS
FITSNews – September 30, 2007 – Sure, the New York Mets were eliminated from the baseball playoffs today (with star pitcher Tom Glavine helping ruin Sic Willie’s all-but-assured fantasy championship) but the real news coming out of the Big Apple on this particular Sunday was a provocative piece from NY Daily News columnist Celeste Katz on the potential pitfalls of presidential flip-flopping. Why so provocative, you may ask? Well, because our very own Sic Willie was featured in the article, of course …
“A candidate has to make sure their change of heart connects with voters on a personal level, much like [Ronald] Reagan did when he successfully sold his conversion to social conservatism back in the early 1980s,” said South Carolina consultant Will Folks, who has worked for Giuliani’s ex-state chairman, Thomas Ravenel.
There’s also a sincerity factor to consider – especially when it seems like every candidate who visits Iowa suddenly thinks ethanol, a fuel made from corn, is the best thing since the Beatles.
“There’s an old Southern Baptist expression that nobody’s more beloved in the church than a new believer,” said Folks. “But if people suspect that somebody’s only coming to church to make time with a pretty girl – or in this case, make time with the voters – there’s going to be a backlash.”
Uhh … yeah, like going to church for the sole purpose of scoping out the “visual relief” is something Sic Willie has never done before. Whatever. In fact, it’s amazing he doesn’t fall right through the floor into an eternal inferno the moment he steps through the door. Geez, this guy is unbelievable.
Obama Girl Is Still Hot … September 30, 2007Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
add a comment
… AND STILL CRUSHING ON SIC WILLIE
FITSNews – September 30, 2007 – We’ve told campaign ’08 sensation Obama Girl several times now that our founding editor Sic Willie is dating someone else, but for some reason she keeps sending him excrutiatingly hot pictures of herself anyway. Like the one above from the set of her brand new video “I Like A Boy,” a song we can only assume was written with Wilbur’s silky sheen love handles in mind.
Anyway, at this point it’s become pretty clear that Obama Girl’s crush on the political Barack Star is morphing into an obession with our own former rock star.
Heartbreak City September 30, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Sports.
FANTASY FARTKNOCKERS SUFFER GREATEST ONE-DAY COLLAPSE IN THE HISTORY OF PROFESSIONAL SPORTS
FITSNews – September 30, 2007 – Forget Greg Norman at the 1996 Masters. Or the “Boston Massacre” that befell the Red Sox during the 1978 baseball season. Toss out the Detroit Red Wings’ historic collapse in the 1942 Stanley Cup finals, along with the Houston Oilers’ unprecedented playoff meltdown against the Buffalo Bills in 1992. Hell, forget Tin Cup, too.
Sports has a new all-time choke artist – and his name is Sic Willie.
With the coveted 2007 Great Santini Fantasy Baseball Championship all but in his grasp, Sic Willie’s FITS Fartknockers suffered a biblical fall from grace this afternoon that enabled the Charleston, S.C.-based “Crooners” to emerge with a wafer-thin lead in the critical WHIP (walks and hits per innings pitched) category. That miniscule margin resulted in a 4-4 tie in the Santini finals, with the tiebreaker (and the cup) going to the Crooners by virtue of their first-place regular season finish.
At the start of today’s action, the Fartknockers enjoyed a seemingly insurmountable 6-2 lead in the series, but things began to unravel almost immediately on an otherwise picture perfect Sunday afternoon on the last day of September. FITS’ final starter of the year, New York Mets’ ace Tom Glavine, was rocked for seven runs in only a third of an inning – resulting in an astronomical 189.00 ERA. Glavine’s performance cost FITS its ERA lead, but amazingly the Fartknockers still clung to 5-3 series lead thanks to a narrow advantage in the WHIP category, meaning all they had to do to claim their first-ever championship was simply avoid another pitching disaster. (more…)
Gamecocks Beat Mississippi State September 29, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Sports.
add a comment
CLEMSON WRECKED BY GEORGIA TECH
FITSNews – September 29, 2007 – Sixteenth-ranked South Carolina overcame some early jitters to defeat a vastly-improved Mississippi State team in Columbia today, reeling off twenty-one unanswered points to claim a 38-21 victory and improve to 4-1 (2-1 SEC) on the season. Meanwhile, thirteenth-ranked Clemson’s high-powered offense was held to a field goal in the Tigers first loss of the season, a 13-3 defeat at the hands of Georgia Tech in Atlanta.
The Gamecocks were more schizophrenic than one of Sic Willie‘s ex-girlfriends this afternoon, looking alternately amazing and then downright pathetic on both sides of the football. Seriously, on one series South Carolina’s “D” would be absolutely impenetrable, and on the very next series they’d look like you could sail the Seventh Fleet through them.
Same thing on offense – one series they’d look like Peyton and the Colts, and then the very next time out they’d look like a damn powder puff squad.
South Carolina better get it together as they square off Thursday night in Columbia against fellow Top 15 squad and SEC East rival Kentucky … on national TV. Clemson faces Virginia Tech next week in Death Valley.
Former Los Angeles Mayor Endorses Rudy … Sort Of September 28, 2007Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
add a comment
“PRO-GIULIANI” COMMENTS SOUND MORE LIKE A CAMPAIGN COMMERCIAL FOR HIZZONER’S OPPONENTS
FITSNews – September 28, 2007 – We actually like Rudy Giuliani a lot here at FITSNews, but damn if Hizzoner’s people don’t need to do a better job prepping the politicians who endorse him. Kind of like former Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan, who “endorsed” Giuliani today and then proceeded to say he was “too liberal” to win the California Republican primary. From the AP article:
Riordan said he believed Giuliani was “too liberal” to appeal to the state’s right-wing voters but would make a good president based on his experience as the mayor of New York City. “On the primary, you get this solid, super right-wing group of people who are going to have litmus tests on everything from gun control to abortion to other things. He’s going to be hurt there,” Riordan said. In the general election, he said, “the liberal vote in California is going to tear him apart. So he’s going to have to be very, very careful, have to show himself as a leader and not be too specific on the issues.”
Our guess is one of Rudy’s GOP opponents is paying this idiot because they could have given him a million bucks and not gotten a better return on their investment. It’s like somebody mistakenly handed him the Mitt Romney talking points, which basically consist of a single white piece of paper with the words “Rudy: Too Liberal” scrawled on it using a bright red Crayola marker. Seriously, he might as well have followed this endorsement with a swift kick to Rudy’s balls, and then maybe groped Rudy’s wife while Hizzoner was doubled over on the ground in agony. After that he could have put on a Dodgers baseball cap and talked about what a bunch of fags play for the New York Yankees, and how anybody who roots for the Yankees is a damn queer lover.
Heidi Montag Says Fake Breasts Worth Dying For September 28, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
PAY ATTENTION, TEENAGE GIRLS
FITSNews – September 28, 2007 – It’s rare for someone’s courage, humility and sacrifice to actually move us to tears, but reading Heidi Montag‘s recent interview with US magazine, we couldn’t keep our emotions bottled up any longer:
Heidi on having breast surgery:
“I’ve always been very insecure about my body. My whole life, I looked at my chest and was like, OK, they’re going to grow. This is my year! And it never happened. I was less than an A-cup. I wore pushup bras, which cut into my skin. If I was with a guy and there was a girl next to me with big boobs, I would be like, Oh, my God, he’s looking at her!”
Heidi on having rhinoplasty and breast surgery:
People would say, “You have such a big nose!” And they’d make fun of me for being so flat, and say mean boy things, like, “If you nailed two nails in a board, they would be bigger than you are.” I was tormented. And when I was older, I’d want to be intimate, but I’d feel insecure. My boyfriends always had bigger chests than I did!”
Heidi on having breast surgery:
“But surgery is a very big deal. Right before I went in, I was like, What if I don’t wake up? Oh, this is scary. Then I thought, I don’t care. If I don’t wake up, it’s worth it. I just wanted it so badly.”
Wow. This chick is like Helen Keller, Anne Frank, Mother Theresa and Nellie Bly all rolled into one. Maybe even the Virgin Mary, too (editor’s note: sorry, Catholics). Seriously, if Congress doesn’t immediately create a new “nation’s highest honor” for this kind of heroism, we’re going to organize a protest march on Washington that’ll make Martin Luther King’s little get-together at the Lincoln Memorial look like a poorly-attended family picnic. Imagine it! Teenage girls all around the world are joining hands right now and singing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, “Free at last! Free at last! Thank Heidi Montag, we are free at last!”
Republicans Hate Black People September 28, 2007Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
AND PROBABLY HISPANICS, TOO
FITSNews – September 28, 2007 – In all fairness to flip-flopper extraordinaire Mitt Romney, we should point out that the three candidates currently polling above him in the Republican presidential primary (Fred Thompson, Rudy Giuliani and John McCain) also skipped out on a GOP debate focused on minority issues up in Maryland yesterday.
We’re just using Romney’s picture because his hair is so cotton-pickin’ perfect. We promise. And because the irrepressibly hot girl in the background looks a helluva lot like one of Sic Willie’s ex-girlfriends.
And for the record, we don’t really think that Republicans hate black people. Especially not in South Carolina, where tens of thousands of African-American schoolchildren are annually condemned to the very worst public schools America has to offer.
After all, people, hatred implies that you actually give a damn in the first place. Which South Carolina Republicans clearly don’t.
FITSNews Exclusive – S.C. Realtors Carrying A Big Stick September 27, 2007Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
ASSOCIATION EMERGING AS POTENT POLITICAL FORCE IN SOUTH CAROLINA
FITSNews – September 27, 2007 – Backed by a growing political war chest likely to top the $2.4 million mark by the time the November 2008 elections roll around, you’ll forgive S.C. Realtors CEO Nick Kremydas for speaking his mind on a few things.
“We’re kidding ourselves if we think we’re moving our state forward in any kind of positive direction right now,” he said during an exclusive interview with FITSNews. “We’ve been spinning our wheels for five years.”
Kremydas, who runs arguably the most powerful grassroots organization in South Carolina, has taken steps in recent months to make it even stronger. His 23,000-strong association of realtors, which promotes home ownership, property protection and other quality of life issues, had already budgeted $1 million toward issues advocacy efforts for the 2008 election cycle, a figure its board recently agreed to double. That’s $2 million – before you even get to the $400,000 the group’s political action committee currently has on hand. (more…)
Rethinking Ron Paul September 27, 2007Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries, Good Stuff, SC Politics.
ANY CANDIDATE WITH A VOLUNTEER STRIPPER CAN’T BE ALL BAD
FITSNews – September 27, 2007 – With the mainstream media starting to dig into what motivates political bloggers, we figured we’d take this opportunity to clear up exactly where it is we’re coming from here at FITSNews.
It’s confusing, we know.
On the one hand we employ a crack news team to bring you the very latest breaking news and thought-provoking analysis from the wild world of South Carolina politics. Yet there’s also our founding editor Sic Willie, whose pathological inappropriateness seems to know no bounds.
Of course were it not for the Sic One, we probably never would have delved into the amazing stories behind Obama Girl, Hillary’s Lesbian Crush or the latest racy online political diva, “Liv” the Ron Paul stripper. (more…)
The Oregon Duck Is Pissed September 26, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Sports.
MASCOT THROWS DOWN AGAINST HOUSTON COUGAR
FITSNews – September 26, 2007 – In case you haven’t seen this hilarious clip of the Oregon Duck mascot beating the crap out of Houston’s “Cougar,” prepare to laugh your ass off. We honestly haven’t seen anything this funny since Columbia’s own “Bomber the Mouse” got fired from his job a few years back and proceeded to vent his frustration by soundly whooping a six-year old kid’s ass in a race around the basepaths (the mascot is supposed to let the kid win, obviously). Anyway, here’s what the Cougar (also a walk-on wide receiver) had to say about this latest case of mascot-on-mascot violence:
I mean, to be on a football team, which is considered a manly sport, and to see videos of me getting beat up by a duck, of course it’s going to be a little embarrassing. (My teammates) have the right to kind of poke fun at me.
Oregon evidently suspended the Duck for one game as a result of the incident.