K-Fed’s New Lawyers? December 8, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff, Satire.
NORTH CHUCK’S ON THA SCENE JUST IN CASE YA DIDN’T KNOW IT
FITSNews – December 8, 2007 – The FITS gals and Sic Willie were skraight up “rollin’ … in our 5.0” (with the rag-top down so our hair could blow) this morning when we happened upon “Internet gold,” a.k.a. North Charleston’s own Wigger Law Firm.
Yes, that’s the firm’s name. And no, neither that picture above nor the one of Sic laughing his ass off (below) have been Photoshopped in any way.
Seriously, we’re sure these guys are great lawyers and everything, but if this story doesn’t get picked up by popsites like Tyler Durden and The Superficial (with the obligatory Kevin Federline references), we’re gonna be majorly disappointed. Cause it’s dope, to tha lyrical poets, (and) North Chuck’s on da scene just in case ya didn’t know it … plus we almost got killed swerving across eight lanes of traffic in order to bring you these iconic images.
Incidentally, this is probably as good a time as any to break the news that South Carolina’s own gubernatorial spokesman Joel Sawyer actually performed “Ice Ice Baby” as the opening karaoke number at his own wedding reception a couple years back. True story, people. True story. Now stop … collaborate and listen. FITS’ is back wit a brand new invention. If there’s a problem – yo we’ll solve it … now check out the hook while our DJ revolves it.
Boom-boom-boom-b-b-boom-boom – boom-boom-boom-boom-b-b-boom boom.
Chillin’ At Da Compound November 28, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Satire.
IT’S GETTING A LITTLE HOT FOR THE BRANCH SIC WILLIANS
FITSNews – November 28, 2007 – Since absolutely nothing is happening today we decided we’d make up a story about a radical, albeit technically non-existent cult called the Branch Sic Willians who built themselves a compound in the middle of rural Anderson County where everybody just sat around and got sarcastically kooky until the Feds came and, um, smoked them all out. Then we figured that making fun of people dying – even if they were all batsh*t crazy – probably isn’t nice. So here’s some real news instead …
GREENPEACE V. NINTENDO – The environmentalists are suing the video game makers over not properly disposing of thier empty cartridges or something. Yeah, we don’t know either. This is interesting to us only because a) absolutely nothing is happening today and b) it’s sort of fun to imagine a bunch of smelly hippies stepping into the ring against a phalanx of short, hyperactive Japanese executives. It also gives us an opportunity to revive our famous Nintendo No GameBoy post.
OJ SAYS HE DIDN’T DO IT … AGAIN – Whatever. “Juice did that sh*t.” In fact, whoever is prosecuting Simpson on these latest charges – which stem from the recent armed robbery of some sports memorabilia dudes in Las Vegas – let’s just say this is the most gift-wrapped case they’re ever going to see. After “not” murdering his ex-wife and another man back in 1994 (and then playing a lot of golf), OJ should’ve known that a simple jaywalk meant he was pretty much screwed. In fact, OJ could have been videotaped dispensing needed food and medicine to third world babies in the middle of Africa surrounded by a million witnesses at the time of this “alleged” robbery and if we were on the jury his ass would still be headed to the gas chamber.
THEY’RE RIOTING IN FRANCE – Seriously? We’re actually writing about this? Did we mention absolutely nothing is happening today? Usually we confine our riot coverage to stories about effeminate-looking Russians hatin’ on gay people (that’s actually our Christmas card this year), but for the moment we forgot that the sort of hot socialist who recently ran for President in France actually lost her race. Which sucks, because as it turns out some white guy branding the rioting as “unacceptable” isn’t remotely interesting. A hot socialist chick branding the rioting as “unacceptable,” on the other hand, is very interesting.
Fortunately, we’ve got a couple of kick ass breaking news stories to post over the next two days that will make all the ADD nonsense you just suffered through worthwhile. That is if they don’t burn down our compound first.
The Run On Bible Thumpers Is On November 13, 2007Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries, Satire.
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GET ‘EM WHILE THEY’RE HOT!
FITSNews – November 13, 2007 – There’s a point in every fantasy baseball draft when somebody breaks the seal on selecting relief pitchers, and all of a sudden the next six picks in a row are all relief pitchers. It usually occurs during the sixth or seventh round, and if you miss the run, there’s a good chance you’ll also miss the fantasy postseason. That phenomenon is not at all unlike the current run on Bible Thumpers we’re witnessing in the 2008 GOP presidential primary.
First it was Mitt Romney getting the nod from the ultra-right wingers at Bob Jones University. Then it was Rudy Giuliani feeling the love from Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson. Today it’s Fred Thompson receiving the endorsement of the National Right to Life Something or Other.
GOP frontrunners looking to shore up their social conservative credentials is all well and good, but this is starting to get ridiculous. For example, we just got a press release from Mike Huckabee‘s campaign saying that the Holy Spirit himself would be endorsing the former Arkansas Governor at a press conference tomorrow in Anderson County, S.C.
Those Ron Paul Crazies Are At It Again October 31, 2007Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries, Satire.
MASSIVE SPAM WAVE FROM THE LIBERTARIAN? POSSIBLE VOTER ASSIMILATION AHEAD?
FITSNews – October 31, 2007 – It goes without saying that we’re all about lower taxes, less government and more individual liberty here at FITSNews …
Yet for some reason, we just haven’t been able to wrap our brains around the whole Ron Paul Revo-libertarian-ution, although it is true that our founding editor Sic Willie briefly flirted with the notion of voting for the Texas Congressman after discovering that he had a volunteer stripper supporting him. (Editor’s note: Alright, he briefly flirted with the stripper herself, not the notion of voting for anybody).
All kidding aside, though, what’s our problem with Ron Paul? Aside from the fact that we really, REALLY don’t trust people with two first names, we’re quite simply convinced that his supporters are a bunch of stark, raving lunatics. And we’re not sure Dr. Paul’s elevator goes all the way to the top, either.
Anyway, for a candidate espousing such hardcore libertarian views, we thought it was rather odd that a massive Ron Paul spam wave went out shortly after the last Republican presidential debate, sending millions of unsolicited e-mails through what Wired magazine called a “world-wide network of hijacked computers” utilizing “common methods to defeat spam filters.” (more…)
FedEx Ground IS Fast September 26, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture, Satire.
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SIC WILLIE’S B-DAY PRESENT ARRIVES RIGHT ON TIME
FITSNews – September 26, 2007 – In case you’ve never heard the story, Sic Willie’s 94-year old grandmother is pretty much the baddest ass human being alive. Her last car was a red Ford Mustang convertible, and she still cruises around Myrtle Beach in a black Mustang hard-top even though her kids and grandkids wish she wouldn’t drive anymore. She also gets her six beautiful grandbabies anything they want for their birthdays, which is why when Sic Willie asked for Lindsay Lohan this year, it was no problem for his beloved “Grandmama Beach.”
Lohan arrived in Columbia this afternoon via FedEx (pictured, above) and apparently she and the Sic one are already rekindling their relationship.
Sic also received a pipe bomb courtesy of the S.C. General Assembly, some flowers from State Sen. Greg Ryberg‘s wife and a kiss on the lips from S.C. Ports Authority Chairman Bill Stern, which oddly enough he rather enjoyed.
S.C. Politicians Affected By Crib Recall September 21, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Satire, SC Politics.
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HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER PARTICULARLY CONCERNED
FITSNews – September 21, 2007 – The largest crib recall in American history has several prominent South Carolina politicians wondering where they’ll sleep tonight.
“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!,” said House Majority leader Jimmy Merrill. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!”
Stay tuned to FITSNews for more on this breaking story …
Reelect Regardless? September 10, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Satire, SC Politics.
LINDSEY GRAHAM IN TROUBLE IN NEW GOP POLL
FITSNews – September 10, 2007 – This article has nothing to do with teenage something or other Vanessa Hudgens (above), but if we had posted another boring ass picture of Lindsey Graham our computer probably would have gone on strike for the rest of the day. Damn you, collective bargaining. Anyway, according to poll results published in this morning’s Greenville News, South Carolina’s senior U.S. Senator is not exactly the most popular guy in the world right now with GOP primary voters.
Thirty-six percent of S.C. Republicans said they would reelect Graham regardless of who runs against him, while 24% said they would vote for somebody else no matter what. The majority of respondents remained uncommitted. Graham’s strategist, Richard Quinn, insists the numbers bode well for his client, but what else is he going to say? Lindsey could probably get high on methamphetamines, hijack an 18-wheeler with his gay lover and run over a basket of adorable kittens on live TV and Quinn would probably still find some way to spin it in his client’s favor – like telling us that al-Queda was actively recruiting kittens or something.
In other, more important polling data, 100% of female respondents to a recent FITSNews‘ survey said that Sic Willie was a “damn sexy beast” and that they would vote to re-sleep with him regardless of who their other options were. Additionally, 100% of male respondents said they had no problem with taxpayers funding a parade in honor of Sic Willie’s virility, even if it cost eleventy kabillion dollars. Thanks for the love, South Carolina.
What A Shocker! September 6, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Satire, SC Politics.
SOUTH CAROLINA HAS NO FAST-GROWING COMPANIES
FITSNews – September 6, 2007 – So Fortune Magazine put out its list of the Top 100 fastest-growing companies in America today, and believe it or not South Carolina didn’t have a single company on the list.
What? Not even one? This is truly stunning when you stop and think about it, people. You’d think South Carolina would be a damn magnet for economic growth considering we have stratospheric unemployment, bottom-of-the-barrel income levels, an anti-competitive tax code that’s every CEO’s worst nightmare, the worst public education system in the Western Hemisphere and a bunch of crooked and illiterate Boss Hogg’s running state government like it was the illegitimate offspring of Soviet Russia and Hazzard County.
Seriously, that sounds like a recipe for success to us! Incidentally, our neighbors in Georgia and North Carolina each had two of the nation’s fastest-growing companies, and Tennessee and Florida each had four of them. Of course, at least two of Tennessee’s probably have something to do with crystal meth, and we really shouldn’t feel too bad about ourselves seeing as Mississippi didn’t have one, either.
Bring It September 5, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Satire, Sports.
FARTKNOCKERS SCOOP UP “LT2” WITH FIRST PICK OF FANTASY FOOTBALL DRAFT
FITSNews – September 5, 2007 – With his fantasy baseball team holding a slim lead in the semifinal round of the Great Santini League playoffs, our very own Sic Willie turned his attention this week to the “other” FITS franchise, the football Fartknockers.
“I’m pleased to announce the signing of our franchise player and the number one overall pick of the draft, Ladainian Tomlinson,” Sic Willie told reporters this morning.
Known simply as “LT2,” Tomlinson set an NFL single season record last year with 31 touchdowns. He also led the league in rushing with 1,815 yards en route to winning the league MVP award. Simply put, his 2006 season was the most prolific in fantasy football history. Interestingly enough, Tomlinson also serves as the namesake to Todd Ladainian Tomlinson, a.k.a. “Todd the Dog,” the first canine to seek statewide political office in South Carolina history.
TRAGEDY CLAIMS THE LIFE OF OUR FOUNDING EDITOR
FITSNews – August 8, 2007 – FITSNews’ founding editor Sic Willie was killed this afternoon in a tragic motorboating accident in the State of Oklahoma. Details are sketchy, but it appears that he was sucked into some kind of cavernous vacuum that proceeded to deprive him of his oxygen supply.
“Will was a motor-boatin’ son of a b*tch,” said S.C. Gov Mark Sanford, who also stated that he and his former press secretary had mended fences prior to the Sic One’s untimely demise. “I think that’s how he would have wanted the world to remember him.”
Unbeknownst to many South Carolina politicos, Sic Willie traveled to Oklahoma earlier this week at the governor’s behest to study the elasticity of Laffer-based tax cuts passed by Democratic legislative majorities. Unfortunately, South Carolina’s own Democratically-controlled legislative majority (editor’s note: not a typo) has provided no pro-business tax cuts to study, choosing to spend its bountiful surpluses on massive expansions of an 1895 government structure instead.
UPDATE – If you’ve never seen the movie Wedding Crashers, this post probably won’t make much sense to you. Watch it tonight! It’s hilarious. And yes, the Sic One is very much alive and well and playing video hockey on his X-Box at the moment.