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Just Build Your Fence And Shut Up Already December 11, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries, SC Politics.

border fence


FITSNews – December 11, 2007 – If South Carolinians think the pandering of the 2008 Republican presidential candidates on the immigration issue has been intense, they ain’t seen nada yet.

That’s because once the presidential circus leaves the Palmetto State in January, our local kneejerkers are planning to pump up the volume on the issue in a big way. Responding to polls that show illegal immigration as a hot topic among local voters, it should come as no surprise that South Carolina politicians are poised to make this their signature issue as a means of shoring up their abysmal conservative credentials in an election year.

Whatever … South Carolina has about as much chance of solving the immigration problem as it does of reversing global warming. Which is to say zero. In fact, asking South Carolina to solve anything is a lot like giving a Rubik’s Cube to a dyslexic baboon, or expecting your pet hamster to single-handedly stabilize a shaky national economy. (more…)


Come To Butthead December 11, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.

real obama girl


FITSNews – December 11, 2007 – In what has obviously turned out to be the worst editorial decision in FITSNews‘ brief history (our one year anniversary is this Sunday, people), Sic Willie and the FITS gals foolishly declined an invitation to join our mainstream media colleagues for Sunday’s Oprahbamarama at Columbia’s Williams-Brice Stadium.

Our flawed logic for passing on this event-a-palooza was two-fold. First of all, the memories of South Carolina’s ridiculously sh*tty football season still linger far too intensely within our crestfallen breasteses to even contemplate revisiting the epicenter of our woe. Second of all we’re pretty sure Oprah has six toes … or at least a really big bunyon. Which is frightening.

Anyway, in spite of all that, Sic in particular is kicking himself for missing the event because it turns out his future wife (pictured above) was in attendance, working on Yo-bama‘s campaign staff. And even though our favorite bad boy has no idea what her name is at the moment, it might as well be Mrs. Sic Willie – especially once she experiences his rugged good looks, sparkling wit, selfless humility and legendary emotional availability firsthand.

In fact, rumor has it that when mystery girl’s picture first arrived in the FITSNews mailbox, the clouds above Columbia parted, God granted his blessing on the union by releasing a single white dove from heaven and Paul Bates emerged from Sic Willie’s kitchen to sing “She’s Your Queen To Be.”

UPDATE – Sic has officially decreed that we are to cover every Obama event from here on out and praise whatever comes out of his mouth effusively, if not immodestly. He has also asked his fellow South Carolinians to refrain from letting Miss Mystery know about his considerable wealth and power for the moment, preferring that she fall in love with him as a humble goat herder first.

Huckles Is Winning? WTF? December 6, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.

huckabee bass


FITSNews – December 6, 2007 – According to a new Rasmussen poll, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has taken the lead in South Carolina’s pivotal “First in the South” presidential primary. Again, we’re pretty sure this has something to do with it, but we’ve been wrong before.

Anyway, the new poll has Huckleberry at 25% in the Palmetto State, seven points ahead of former U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson and former Massachusetts dolphin, er, governor Mitt Romney, both of whom are polling at 18%. Rudy Giuliani came in at 12%, followed by John McCain (9%) and Ron Paul (4%).

Not that anybody cares, but we were actually in the crowd at the 2003 concert in Charleston, West Virginia (the one at which the picture above was taken). At least we think we were, as that was kind of an “experimental” period in our lives. We don’t really like to talk about it too much, although we can confirm that there’s no hope in dope, people. None whatsoever. Oh, and crack is whack.

We’ve said all along that we like Huckles a lot, but we do have some legitimate questions as to his fiscal conservative credentials. Like if they exist, for example. Of course you gotta be impressed by his recent Chuck Norris ad and the fact he’s come out of nowhere to become the frontrunner in South Carolina with virtually no cash and nobody on his payroll. We’ll see how he holds up now that these guys have made him their No. 1 target.

Geez, Mitt December 4, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.

romney silverstein


FITSNews – December 4, 2007 – We’ve said a million times that former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney is the biggest hypocrite on the planet – let alone the 2008 presidential primaries – but tonight’s story in the Boston Globe about the outspoken border warrior’s ongoing use of illegal immigrants to do the yardwork at his Massachusetts mansion pretty much takes the cake:

Standing on stage at a Republican debate on the Gulf Coast of Florida last week, Mitt Romney repeatedly lashed out at rival Rudy Giuliani for providing sanctuary to illegal immigrants in New York City. Yet, the very next morning, on Thursday, at least two illegal immigrants stepped out of a hulking maroon pickup truck in the driveway of Romney’s Belmont house, then proceeded to spend several hours raking leaves, clearing debris from Romney’s tennis court, and loading the refuse back on to the truck.

Geez. Romney has been busted hiring illegals once already during this campaign, but that hasn’t stopped him from trying to make immigration reform a cornerstone of his campaign, or from bashing his opponents for being soft on the issue.

As for the FITS gals, we love illegal people. They keep our pillows super fluffy and our sheets crisp and clean. Plus, they always leave us those delicious mints right beside our beds, and we seriously can’t get enough of those things.

Our Fake-O-Meter Is Pretty Good December 3, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
1 comment so far

fake bags


FITSNews – December 3, 2007 – We’ve always prided ourselves on our ability to spot a fake, whether it’s bogus Louis Vitton, Gucci or Fendi bags or 2008 presidential candidates like Mitt Romney or John Edwards (pictured above), both of whom would probably change gender if they thought it would score them a majority of voters in their respective primaries.

Anyway, turns out we’re not alone, because someone who is a political expert (as opposed to our own Sic Willie, who just plays one on the Internet) had this to say about these two imitation windbag campaigns:

The candidates who are the best at politicking keep it hidden from public view. They thus seem non-political. The candidates who are the worst at it either do not know to or simply cannot keep it hidden, and thus seem hyper-political … Romney’s campaign is, I must say, the least authentic seeming of any on the GOP side. Only John Edwards, the other candidate with but one electoral victory under his belt, matches it in this regard.

You can read the rest of the story over on Real Clear Politics, but in the interest of full disclosure it’s doubtful a “Salma Hayek” search of their website would produce anything, whereas here on FITSNews, a similar search would produce these. God Bless Mexico, people. And sweater monkeys.

Mentally-Disturbed Man Invades Hillary’s Campaign Office December 1, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
1 comment so far

will crossfire


FITSNews – December 1, 2007 – We’re gonna be perfectly honest. When the FITS gals got the SCHotline newsflash that a mentally-disturbed man with a history of drug and alcohol abuse had invaded Hillary Clinton’s campaign headquarters in New Hampshire (taking hostages and demanding cigarattes and booze), we were 99.9% sure it was Sic Willie. And that his obsession with Clinton’s hottie aide had finally reached its breaking point.

Fortunately, as we flew down the winding corridors of FITSNews headquarters in a desperate search for our favorite bad boy, we heard the tell-tale crooning of Biz Markie‘s classic 1989 hit “Just A Friend” coming from our executive washroom.

“Awww baby you … you got what I need, but you say he’s just a friend, you say he’s just a friend. Awwwww baby yoooooouuuu …”

Of course, no sooner had the off-key, eardrum-arresting sounds struck us than our nostrils were similarly offended by sensory unpleasantness, as Sic himself emerged in the hallway and announced “don’t nobody go in the bathroom for another thirty-five, forty-five minutes.”

Hookers For Ron Paul November 27, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.

ron paul hoes


FITSNews – November 27, 2007 – We knew GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul had a volunteer stripper, but according to the Reno Gazette-Journal you can “look as well as touch” when it comes to showing your support for the Texas Congressman’s unconventional campaign. From the RGJ story:

It should be no surprise that the presidential candidate with the purest libertarian bona fides picked up some X-rated support while campaigning in Reno last week. To be more explicit, Nevada brothel owner Dennis Hof declared his support for Republican contender Ron Paul during Paul’s campaign swing through the state.

Mr. Hof went on to reveal that he would be actively engaging his prostitutes in Paul’s fundraising efforts, saying, “I’ll get all the Bunnies together, and we can raise him some money. I’ll put up a collection box outside the door. They can drop in $1 dollar, $5 dollar contributions.”

Wow. If this isn’t the beginning of a John Cougar Mellancamp song, we don’t know what is. Sadly, we couldn’t share our joy over this particular slice of Americana with Sic Willie, who apparently saw the story when it was originally published on Sunday and promptly hopped a plane to Reno.

We Accidentally Started Carpetgate, Again November 26, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.

hill huma2


FITSNews – November 26, 2007 – First, his obsession with bi-curiosity accidentally generated the first national story to mention the alleged love affair between Hillary Clinton and hot aide Huma Abedin, now it’s a Times of London article (also featuring our very own Sic Willie) that is once again forcing the rumor to the forefront of the national consciousness.

According to the words and images on our computer screen – which we trust implicitly – the Drudge Report is now highlighting the Times of London‘s Thanksgiving Day story about dirty politics in South Carolina, which also mentions the rumor. Here’s what Drudge had to say:

The (Hillary-Huma) splash stunned British readers and angered campaign insiders. “This does not even qualify as tabloid trash… it’s ridiculous and reckless,” a Hillary confidante explained over the weekend. Taking the whisper from the underground to the overground, the paper made no claims to knowing any truth of the relationship between Hillary and Huma, in its story headlined: “Snarls, smears and innuendo as attack dogs get ready for the fray.”

In all fairness, both stories focus on the unsavory tactics of the rumor’s, um, mongers (rather than the rumor itself), but it wouldn’t surprise us in the least to discover that Sic is secretly orchestrating the whole thing from his new perch as Chairman of the Board of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy (editor’s note: be sure to click that “new perch” link).

Frankly, we’d be amazed if Team Clinton hasn’t done some creative cross-googling by now and perhaps even dispatched a professional hit squad (hopefully an all-lesbian one) to Sic’s residence, the infamous Hacienda Los Nápoles. Fortunately for Sic, his high-tech abode features multiple deterrents to unlawful entry, including a prominently-displayed “If This Trailer’s A Rockin’, Don’t Come-A-Knockin” bumper sticker.

UPDATE – FYI … for all the FITS virgins (and PC police) our there, we opposed South Carolina’s so-called “marriage amendment” last year, a decision that had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that we enjoy girls kissing girls.

London Calling November 22, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries, The Press.

london calling


FITSNews – November 22, 2007 – “London Calling” isn’t just a famous song (and iconic album cover) from legendary British punk rockers The Clash, it was actually something that happened to our very own Sic Willie this Tuesday morning. That’s because the Times of London, Great Britain’s newspaper of record since 1788, actually “rang” him at the God-awful hour of 7:00 a.m. seeking his wisdom for this story on South Carolina’s rock ’em-sock ’em 2008 presidential primary:

“The question this year is not whether the race will be dirtier than 2000,” said Will Folks, the former spokesman for Mark Sanford, the Republican Governor of the state. “The question is, when will it cross that threshold?”

A succinct recap of the rampant shadiness that is Palmetto politics, the article refers to South Carolina as “the foulest swamp of electoral dirty tricks in America,” noting that it “has already become the sleaziest leg of the 2008 presidential campaign.”

Of course, Sic is taking some serious local heat for his international exploits, as fellow political bloggers The Palmetto Scoop and Shot Politics are apparently miffed at his suggestion that their websites are in cahoots with the presidential campaigns of John McCain and Mitt Romney, respectively.

Come on guys, it’s not like we’ve never said that before. Besides, you really can’t blame Sic Willie for anything he says prior to 11:00 a.m. That sh*t is all the snooze button’s fault.

The Quintessential Choppers November 22, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.

edwards on strike


FITSNews – November 22, 2007 – By last Thanksgiving, we had already pretty much decided that the two candidates we loathed most in the 2008 presidential campaign were Republican Mitt Romney and Democrat John Edwards. Everything about the two of them just seemed totally fake, and with one desperately veering right and the other desperately veering left, they both came across as the kind of people who would backstab anybody or any previously-held ideology in order to become president.

And frankly, that’s the last quality we want to see in a president … whether it’s of our tabletop billiard league or of the United States.

Sure, our website may be a little left of Jesus from time to time, but we do remember a little something from Sunday School about building your foundation on solid ground, not shifting sands.

Anyway, absolutely nothing these two auditioning televangelists have done over the past year has even remotely altered our initial impressions. If anything, we’re more convinced than ever that Romney and Edwards are the two worst possible choices for our nation’s highest office, and if the general election boils down to selecting between one or the other, hello Grenada. We’re also more convinced than ever that their robot-controlled campaigns and transparent hypocrisy (even in the little things) are among the reasons most Americans just want this whole obnoxious campaign to be over. (more…)