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Carol Of The Bells = Worst Christmas Song EVER December 10, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff.

carol of the bells


FITSNews – December 10, 2007 – We love us some Christmas here at FITSNews. Almost as much as we love Kwaanza, as a matter of fact.

Something about singing all the happy songs takes us back to a simpler time – a time when we were innocent little girls rushing happily downstairs to open our new Barbie convertibles and Glamour Princess makeup kits. A time when boys thought we were yucky and Sic Willie was still picking his nose and eating it … wait, never mind. That still happens.

Anyway, we love practically every Christmas song in the book – even most of the ones about bells, like “Jingle Bells” or “Silver Bells.” Of course there is one atonal nightmare (featured in the wrist-slitting Garmin.com ads) that consistently steals our holiday joy and turns our “very merries” into “bah humbugs,” if not suicidal tendencies. (more…)


K-Fed’s New Lawyers? December 8, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff, Satire.

wigger law firm


FITSNews – December 8, 2007 – The FITS gals and Sic Willie were skraight up “rollin’ … in our 5.0” (with the rag-top down so our hair could blow) this morning when we happened upon “Internet gold,” a.k.a. North Charleston’s own Wigger Law Firm.

Yes, that’s the firm’s name. And no, neither that picture above nor the one of Sic laughing his ass off (below) have been Photoshopped in any way.

will at wigger

Seriously, we’re sure these guys are great lawyers and everything, but if this story doesn’t get picked up by popsites like Tyler Durden and The Superficial (with the obligatory Kevin Federline references), we’re gonna be majorly disappointed. Cause it’s dope, to tha lyrical poets, (and) North Chuck’s on da scene just in case ya didn’t know it … plus we almost got killed swerving across eight lanes of traffic in order to bring you these iconic images.

Incidentally, this is probably as good a time as any to break the news that South Carolina’s own gubernatorial spokesman Joel Sawyer actually performed “Ice Ice Baby” as the opening karaoke number at his own wedding reception a couple years back. True story, people. True story. Now stop … collaborate and listen. FITS’ is back wit a brand new invention. If there’s a problem – yo we’ll solve it … now check out the hook while our DJ revolves it.

Boom-boom-boom-b-b-boom-boom – boom-boom-boom-boom-b-b-boom boom.

Sic’s Got His Throwback Jersey December 7, 2007

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FITSNews – December 7, 2007 – Ever since members of the South Carolina General Assembly received their 41% throwback jerseys earlier this year, our own Sic Willie has been feeling a little green. As in “with envy.”

And while he didn’t send our state’s economy hurtling into the toilet by blowing over a billion dollars of your money on a bunch of useless crap, that doesn’t mean he should be denied the joy of “old school” jerseys, people.

Like the classic 1988 “speed blue” Indianapolis Colts’ jersey of Hall-of-Fame running back Eric Dickerson, for example. Sexy, baby, sexy. But don’t touch Sic, cause he’s electric, and if you touch Sic, you’ll get shocked!

Algae Fuel, Baby December 3, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff.

algae fuel


FITSNews – December 3, 2007 – Since the legendary Pimpfiniti was powered exclusively by the unbridled sex appeal of its owner, we haven’t really gotten into the whole debate over emerging fuel technologies. We do have a little container of biodiesel fuel in our office, but in all fairness Sic Willie thought it was a minibottle of Jack Daniels when he ganked it from the office of one of his many ex-girlfriend lobbyists up in D.C.

Accordingly, we’re not entirely up to speed on things like algae fuel, for example. Or frankly anything related to the whole fuel debate that doesn’t involve bitching at the gas pump. All we know is if you call something “clean coal” it polls a helluva lot better than “dirty coal.” Sort of like clean laundry versus dirty laundry.

Anyway, far as we can tell, the whole alternative energy debate revolves around a desire to “reduce America’s dependence on foreign oil,” which is a nice way of saying that the people who control foreign oil pretty much want to kill us. It may also have something to do with the environment. We’re not really sure.

But for those of you presently unable to power your cars, homes and businesses off of your own sex appeal, scientists are working hard to make algae a cost-effective fuel source that can be produced for just two bucks a gallon. Right now it’s $20 a gallon, which according to people who can count is “impractical.” It also doesn’t taste too hot on the rocks with a twist of lime. (more…)

Junior League Love November 29, 2007

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junior leaguers


FITSNews – November 29, 2007 – Two years ago, our very own Sic Willie wandered unshowered, unshaven and sporting a late ’80’s Soundgarden album cover T-Shirt into the annual Junior League Something-Or-Other Holiday Party. In his defense, he was wearing a sportscoat on top of the T-Shirt, but let’s just say it wasn’t exactly the sort of fiesta where thrift-store threads worn for days on end by a chain-smoking alcoholic were necessarily in demand.

Of course, that was before Sic shed his ripe Houndstooth winterwear and mozied his happy ass on over to the dance floor, which is where the magic always begins. Needless to say, a few hours later the Pimpfiniti left the premises with not one but TWO lovely ladies in tow. Amazingly, neither of them were wearing pearls, pregnant (yet) or habitual Talbot’s shoppers. Alright, one of them was a Talbot’s shopper.

Unfortunately, Sic had to decline his engraved invitation to return to the annual bash this year the due to the fact that a good 93% of local Junior Leaguers are simply unable to keep their repressed sexuality bottled up when his pelvis-thrusting skills are on display on the dance floor. Which is a recipe for trouble, especially considering Sic’s Facebook page clearly states that he is “in a relationship.” Well, that and the fact a lot of these gals’ husbands are gun-totin’ rednecks who enjoy huntin’ varmints.

At any rate, we’re sure there were several pre-boutique store mocha-estrogen fests this morning that were a little less interesting because of his absence …

We Shopped, Sic Dropped November 24, 2007

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FITSNews – November 24, 2007 – It took a lot of meth, lunch at Hooters’ and a steady diet of blended venti mocha frappucinos, but Sic Willie actually survived yesterday’s sixteen-hour shopping marathon with the FITS gals‘ personal shoppers (above).

Even more amazingly, he only got thrown out of six stores, although we felt that tossing him from Victoria’s Secret for pointing out a mannequin’s camel-toe was a bit heavy-handed. Of course the girl he goosed at Aéropostale was definitely NOT fifteen (and they let him stay), so it probably all evens out.

Anyway, from the Village at Sandhill to the shops of Five Points, from the thrift stores on Two Notch to the mall at Columbiana, from Columbia Place to the boutiques of Devine Street, Sic covered hundreds of thousands of square feet of retail space yesterday, taking in all the sights, sounds and snarling traffic of the day after Thanksgiving.

Sadly, we were never able to find the Emily The Tank Engine toy he so desperately wanted (something about lead paint and China), but they say that letting babies cry themselves to sleep every once in awhile builds character …

Sic Is Busted November 8, 2007

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FITSNews – November 8, 2007 – One of the worst things about running a website with like eleventy kabillion “unique visits” a day is that one of those eleventy kabillion “unique visitors” happens to be Sic Willie‘s sweet mother, who as far as we know has done nothing to deserve the last 33 years, 42 days, 2 hours and 18 minutes of her life.

Anyway, we can relate to her ongoing adventure in babysitting, because while we were busting our asses all day breaking stories and entertaining millions, all Sic did was sit on his overweight ass and complain that his salad dressing wasn’t low fat. He also refused to take off his Hooters baseball cap even though we told him several times that it was inappropriate to wear around the office. Let alone indoors.

The straw that broke the camel’s back, however, was when Sic rebelled against the notion of showering … tomorrow morning. It’s been at least two days, people. At least. He even whined like a little girl and told us, “I rich I stink if I want.”

So our response to the, um, boss of FITSNews is that we used the new telephoto lenses he just bought us to make sure his mother knows he’s smoking again. See you at the watercooler, jackass!

It Figures This Freak Is From South Carolina November 1, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff, Pop Culture.

jim callahan


FITSNews – November 1, 2007 – If you’re like us and missed last night’s “Must See TV” show Phenomenon, congratulations. You have a life. Of course there’s one clip from the show that you really, really “must see,” if only for its sheer, unintended comedic value. It involves South Carolina paranormalist Jim Callahan, who somehow managed to become the first person in history to make cake boy magician Criss Angel look like a complete badass (while making NBC look like complete morons and South Carolinians look like complete freaks at the same time).

Anyway, if you’re ready to laugh your ass off at the most blatantly-staged, ridiculously-comical and wildly-homoerotic “magic trick” ever recorded live, go ahead and CLICK HERE. Pay particularly close attention to the fake hyperventilating and girly hissy fit this guy throws at the end of his “performance.”

Honestly, the producers of this gay ass show should have just let these two sissies fight it out because if science has proven anything, it’s that girly slaps never hurt anybody. These two Nancies are seriously about as intimidating as our stuffed animal collection, or the balloons they drop from the ceiling at political conventions. And while both Callahan and Angel are certifiably insane, we’ve seen stationary throw pillows at Bed, Bath & Beyond that frighten us more than they do.

Pathetic October 31, 2007

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peyton road white


FITSNews – October 31, 2007 – The fact that Sic Willie is thirty-three years old and still went “Trick-or-Treating” tonight is pathetic. The fact that his “costume” consisted solely of a 2001 Peyton Manning “Road White” Indianapolis Colts jersey (pictured above) is even more pathetic. The fact that he covered his face in soot, hunched over to look shorter and used a pillowcase to collect his candy? That’s just a lawsuit waiting to happen, people …

Speaking of lawsuits, we keep telling Sic that since his recent counterclaim was settled, he can afford to buy all the candy he wants. But there’s just something about getting a free pillowcase full of Twix, Snickers, Dum-Dums, Tootsie Pops, Kit-Kats, Airheads, Reese’s Cups and (crispity-cruchity) Butterfingers that his frugal sweet tooth can’t pass up. Of course we’ve also told him that when people have actually dressed up as Will Folks for Halloween before, it kind of defeats the whole purpose of going as “somebody else.”

Believe it or not, Sic actually interviewed the future Super Bowl XLI MVP one October afternoon back in 1997, when Manning was in his senior year at the University of Tennessee. Also true is that later that same evening, he was struck by a car while riding his bicycle, which much to the future regret of many in the S.C. General Assembly, did not kill him.

Cessation Blues October 9, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff.

smoking woman


FITSNews – October 9, 2007 – In case Sic Willie‘s mom happens to be reading this post, the FITS gals quit smoking like eight months ago, not last Sunday. Seriously, all of us. We promise.

Alright fine, it was last Sunday, d*mnit. And how the hell did our mothers end up reading this website???

Anyway, since we’ve been writing so much about health care lately, and since some dude with man cleavage challenged Sic to a 10K road race, the converted meth lab that is FITSNews world headquarters is proud to announce that it is now smoke-free.

Don’t get us wrong, we still strongly support smokers’ rights, and take it from us – anyone who tells you that smoking isn’t sexy is straight up lying to you. Smoking is incredibly sexy, people, especially if it’s accompanied by Hollywood actors, intricate plots, crisp dialogue and a little full-frontal nudity. Of course none of that changes the fact that it will kill you. Which we guess diminishes the sexiness just a tad.

UPDATE – If you’re looking to kick the habit, too, here’s a page with links to some helpful information.