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Jimmy, Don’t Be A Hero March 31, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
2 comments

Afghan War

WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH SOLDIER LEGISLATOR RETURNING TO VOTE AGAINST SCHOOL KIDS?

FITSNews – March 31, 2007 – Our friend Rep. James Smith is about to head overseas to protect our freedoms. One of which is free speech. Which, as it turns out we’re going to avail ourselves of now as it relates to … well, James Smith. So yeah, there’s more than a little irony going on in this post.

Let’s make a couple things clear up front: James is a friend of ours, we’ve been keeping him and his family in our prayers ever since he left earlier this month, and there’s not a soul who can claim that his willingness to put his life on the line over in Afghanistan is anything other than unflinchingly heroic. Unfortunately, none of those things make Smith’s decision last week to interrupt his military training at Fort Riley, Kansas so he could vote against a key school choice amendment any less regrettable.

We don’t care who paid for Smith’s trip, or whether protocol was broken or exceptions made to permit him to return to Columbia and vote (something he can already do remotely, incidentally). All of that’s just scenery distracting our attention from the real question: Why is someone who is so selflessly giving of himself to protect freedom half way around the world so incapable of seeing how his vote helped deny it to thousands of school kids living here in South Carolina? (more…)

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Bust A Rove March 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in US Politics.
2 comments

MC Rove

SHRUB’S SCANDAL-RIDDEN BRAIN LIKES TO “MOVE IT, MOVE IT”

FITSNews – March 30, 2007 – Most of the time when we write stuff like this it’s a joke. And there’s a “satire” tag at the end of each article. After all, if we didn’t make it clear we were kidding, there’s an off chance some of you might believe us. Like the lady from Anderson, S.C. who asked us last month if Justin Timberlake was really endorsing Mitt Romney. Well, duh … yes.

Anyway, we wish this was one of those times. But no, senior presidential advisor Karl Rove actually did get up and bust a move at last night’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner, moving his body to the beat of a “rap” song written about him. From this morning’s Guardian article:

First came the arms, swinging independently of his body like the limbs of a toy soldier. Then his torso started to sway from side to side. Thirty seconds in it started to get serious as he appeared to be trying to imitate a duck, and before the minute was out he was raising his knees and jumping up and down as though no-one bothered to tell him that pogoing went out of fashion 20 years ago.

(more…)

Thanks For Nothing, S.C. House of Representatives March 29, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
18 comments

failing schools

S.C. LEGISLATORS STICK IT TO KIDS IN FAILING, BELOW AVERAGE SCHOOLS … ONCE AGAIN

FITSNews – March 29, 2007 – If your kid is stuck in a failing or below average public school in South Carolina, the S.C. House of Representatives – led by Republican Speaker Bobby Harrell – sent you a clear message today: “WE DON’T CARE.”

By a 70-49 vote, the Harrell-controlled House rejected a hard-fought school choice compromise that would have dramatically expanded parental options in South Carolina, especially for the 200,000 children who are currently trapped in one of the Palmetto State’s nearly 400 failing schools.

You’d think with the nation’s lowest SAT scores and worst graduation rate, there would be some sense of urgency among our elected officals to do something. But for the third year in a row, apparently not.

Romney: Sanford Solid Veep Prospect March 29, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
6 comments

Mark Sanford Big

JIM DeMINT, SIC WILLIE’S LEFT TESTACLE ALSO ON SHORT LIST

FITSNews – March 29, 2007 – Flip-flopper extraordinaire Mitt Romney apparently thinks S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford and Senator Jim DeMint would make good vice presidents. At least that’s what he told 400 really, really old people down at Sun City, S.C. From La Socialista‘s web update:

After saying he didn’t want to name names, Romney named Gov. Mark Sanford and U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint among others.

Unbelievable … this guy even flip-flops about whether or not to name names. First he wasn’t going to name names. Then he turns right around and named names. Oh well, you gotta admire his consistency on being inconsistent. Anyway, while Romney didn’t specifically name this name, he’s obviously also considering Sic Willie‘s left testacle for the position. Because let’s be honest, one of Sic Willie’s balls has as much chance of becoming vice president as either one of these lightweights.

Rodents Rise Up March 29, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Satire.
4 comments

rodent

SOUTH CAROLINA BEAVER POPULATION READIES FOR WAR

FITSNews – March 29, 2007 – Irrespective of the unforunately-titled headline in this morning’s La Socialista (“Bull’s-eye on Beavers“), it’s about to be game on in South Carolina between a hired team of federal assassins and a bunch of cute and cuddly beavers. According to reporter Gina Smith:

The city of Columbia — weary of beavers building dams and swamping nearby sewer lines and manholes — has hired a federal agency to kill the animals. City Council recently approved a $50,000 contract with The U.S. Department of Agriculture. Wildlife specialists will work for a year, killing beavers, breaking down dams and getting creeks and streams flowing again.

Back at the Beaver Dam, the rodents aren’t taking the City’s threat lightly, especially after graphic descriptions of the Beaver’s impending demise were featured prominently in this morning’s La Socialista article. (more…)

Lesbian Letdown March 29, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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dirt kiss

RACHEL-MONICA MAKEOUT SESSION PROFOUNDLY DISAPPOINTS

FITSNews – March 29, 2007 – We had high hopes when we first learned that Rachel and Monica were going to make out on television. We even corrected Rachel when she tried to downplay it by saying it wasn’t a big deal.

Turns out she hit the nail on the head.

That’s because this video is perhaps the least arousing girl-girl liplock ever captured on film. Quoting Tyler‘s reaction, “you could show me a video of two St. Bernards licking each other and I’d get more turned on.” (more…)

Playing Dress Up With Barack Obama March 28, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
2 comments

barack superman

WHERE DO WE FIND THIS STUFF? WE’VE GOT A LOT OF FREE TIME PEOPLE

FITSNews – March 28, 2007 – Barack Obama is naked.

We’re not kidding. And it’s up to you to put some clothes on that presidential candidate.

Kind of like Sic Willie did below:

barack in undies

WHOOPS! HE’S STILL NAKED! Sorry about that, Barack Obama.

Hostage Hypocrisy March 28, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Uncategorized.
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bus hostages

FILIPINO HIJACKERS TAKING THE WHOLE ‘FOR THE CHILDREN’ THING A LITTLE BIT TOO FAR

FITSNews – March 28, 2007 – A Filipino day care owner hijacked a bus full of children in Manila yesterday in an effort to force his government to provide better education and health care.

“I am so sorry I took these children in a violent action to call the attention of the Filipino people to open their minds to the political reality,” the hostage-taker said in a very poorly constructed sentence.

Yeah. To help these children this guy’s idea was to threaten their lives with machine guns and hand grenades. Talk about a protest that’s fraught with some circular logic. That would be like Greenpeace threatening to dump a boatload of oil in the ocean, you know, to protect the seagulls. Or kicking someone in the balls and spitting in their face in an effort to show them how much you love them.

Egg-Tooth Funds Egg-Tooth Festival In Anderson March 27, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Satire, SC Politics.
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eggtooth festival

COMPETITIVE GRANT USED TO CONSTRUCT GIANT EGG … WHICH HOUSE WAYS & MEANS CHAIRMAN THEN BUSTS OUT OF

FITSNews – March 27, 2007 – Government in South Carolina is not terribly complicated. How could it be? We’re not that smart. Basically, our leaders get re-elected by secretively funding a bunch of boat ramps and cheezy ass local festivals in their districts. Then they convince a largely illiterate populace that “dat ‘dere boat ramp be good fir d’econamee.” Then they honor each other by naming, well, a bunch of boat ramps and cheezy ass local festivals after themselves. They even name stuff after their pappies sometimes.

Anyway, one of the kingpins of this goat show is House Ways & Means Chairman Dan Cooper, whose dental evolution actually pre-dates the Big Bang. In fact, he technically hasn’t even been born yet because if you look at him closely, you’ll see his Egg-Tooth is still in place. Which is why everybody calls him “Egg-Tooth.” Or “Chairman Egg-Tooth,” out of respect for his position.

Speaking of looking at stuff closely, though, we searched long and hard to find a picture (above) of the latest boondoggle approved by our beloved Chairman “Egg-Tooth” out of his secret slush fund of taxpayer dollars. Which … drum roll … means it’s now your turn to look closely and tell us if you can see the Chairman (and his trademark tooth) somewhere amid the singing, dancing and Egg-worshipping of the inaugural Anderson County Egg-Tooth Festival. (Hint – look at the egg).

The Associated Press Needs To Get Its Priorities Straight March 27, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
2 comments

Paris Fake Breasts

SIC WILLIE’S BLOG WARS GET “COVERAGE” BUT PARIS HILTON’S GI-NORMOUS NEW RACK DOESN’T?

FITSNews – March 27, 2007 – Okay, okay … so we know the Associated Press isn’t covering Paris Hilton anymore (editor’s note – bullsh*t!), but seriously. There is something like majorly wrong with the world when Sic Willie’s blogland violence warrants an AP story yet the gi-normous new breasts Paris Hilton is strutting around with somehow don’t.

Media experts including the dental receptionist who just re-did her lipstick for like the eighth time in the last five minutes agree with us that this is total foobar.

Honestly, Sic Willie could be fleeing a flaming zoo while cradling in his tan, muscular arms the last living pair of baby Pandas left in the whole world and no one would care. Paris Hilton’s bodacious new “Ta’s,” on the other hand …