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Hitting The Nail On The Head January 31, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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Reese SAG 07

CLASSY REESE A ROLE MODEL FOR BRAT SPEARS

FITSNews – January 31, 2007 – The good folks at Go Fug Yourself hit the nail on the head with this article today contrasting Reese Witherspoon‘s breakup with Ryan Phillipe and Britney Spears‘ split with K-Fed.

In sum, Reese responded to her breakup by moving to South Carolina and focusing on being a good mom to her two kids. Britney went on a months-long pantyless drinking binge with Paris Hilton. That’s still going.

Props to our girl JCG for the heads up. Now if we can just get somebody to be a driving role model for Brandy, we’re in business.

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Stay Safe, James January 31, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
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James Smith

FORMER MINORITY LEADER HEADING TO AFGHANISTAN NEXT WEEK

FITSNews – January 31, 2007 – Politicians like Lindsey Graham and Mark Sanford may play “dress-up soldier” on the weekend, but Rep. James Smith is a real soldier, people.

He’s also one of the most genuine, straight-up individuals you’ll ever meet in the political process, period. And a great bass player, too, like Mike Mills, Sic Willie and Huckles Huckleberry.

Captain Smith, the former House Majority Leader, departs next week for an 18-month CID (Counter Insurgency Deployment) to Afghanistan as part of Operating Enduring Freedom. (more…)

Bill Stern’s Port Leadership Paying Off … For Other States January 31, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
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Stalin Stern

PUT A BIG BUSHY MOUSTACHE ON HIM AND HE EVEN LOOKS LIKE STALIN

FITSNews – January 31, 2007 – The Charleston Post and Courier has an excellent article this morning showing what happens when South Carolina’s so-called “free market” governor appoints a bunch of Marxist-Leninists and regional chauvinists to run our State Ports Authority.

Yeah, it’s great news … if you were rooting for every other state except South Carolina to do well.

Now Josh Hartnett Is Fighting Global Warming, Too January 31, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Uncategorized.
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Josh Hartnett

LUCKY NUMBER SLEVIN HUNK CAN START BY PUTTING HIS SHIRT BACK ON

FITSNews – January 31, 2007 – The only thing dumber than the governor of the most retarded state in the country making global warming a priority is Hollywood hunk Josh Hartnett making global warming a priority.

Holy hell. The next thing we know S.C. Secretary of State Mark Hammond is going to make global warming a priority. Followed by Meredith Baxter Birney.

And that’s when the temperature of the world starts dropping and life as we know it breaths a planet-sized sigh of relief. Because Mark Hammond and Meredith Baxter Birney don’t f*ck around, people.

Senator Says Shrub Not Sole “Deciderer” January 31, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in US Politics.
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Arlen Specter

ARLEN SPECTER ALSO HAS SOME FREAKY LOOKING JOWLS

FITSNews – January 31, 2007 – Republican Senator Arlen Specter said yesterday that President Shrub is not the “sole deciderer” of American war policy.

“The deciderer is a shared and joint responsibility,” Specter said, using language that probably made more than a few potheads that may or may not include us start laughing.

In other news, what in the hell is up with Specter’s jowls? Seriously, he looks like Darth Vader right after Luke took his helmet off in Return of the Jedi. You know, right before the Death Star blew up and Luke said “I’m going to save you” and Vader said “You already have.” Except not quite as endearing.

Tomlinson Withdraws From Secretary of State’s Race January 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
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Toddy

FIRST CANINE TO SEEK S.C. STATEWIDE OFFICE ABANDONS BID

FITSNews – January 30, 2007 – Just two months after announcing his candidacy, Democrat Todd L. Tomlinson (pictured above) has officially withdrawn from the 2010 Secretary of State’s race. Tomlinson’s owner, a State House lobbyist who declined to be identified, said the nine-month old puppy was not quite ready for the rigorous demands of such an essential office.

“There were some chewing issues that we just weren’t able to resolve,” Tomlinson’s owner told FITSNews Tuesday afternoon. (more…)

Romney Orders Sausage Links, Then Flip-Flops To Sausage Patties January 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries, Satire.
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romney Speaking2

CANDIDATE SAYS HIS “POSITION ON LINK IS EVOLVING”

FITSNews – Janaury 30, 2007 – After first declaring that he wanted sausage links for breakfast this morning, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney flip-flopped and told a waitress he wanted sausage patties instead.

“As governor of Massachusetts I was consistently pro-link,” Romney told reporters at a packed Lizard’s Thicket restaurant in Columbia, S.C. this morning. “But my position on link is evolving.”

Nevermind that Lizard’s Thicket is packed every morning. Anyway, asked by a self-identified GOP primary voter what his position was on raising South Carolina’s age of consent, Romney replied, “I don’t know, what do you want it to be?”

S.C. Governor Names New Chief Of Staff January 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
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Sanford Desk

TOM DAVIS TO ASSUME TOP POST IN S.C. GOVERNOR’S OFFICE

FITSNews – January 30, 2007 Tom Davis, a Beaufort attorney and longtime confidant to S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford, will be the governor’s second term chief of staff.

Sanford announced Davis’ appointment to the administration’s top post to reporters following this morning’s meeting of the State Budget & Control Board, where Sanford’s current chief of staff Henry White is headed to become executive director, incidentally.

“Tom is an extraordinarily wise choice for the governor,” said former House Minority Leader James Smith (D-Richland). “Tom has boatloads of respect in both the House and Senate, on both sides of the aisle. He’s going to substantially extend the governor’s ability to move his agenda forward.” (more…)

Reese Jealous of Sic Willie’s Rachel McAdams Obsession? January 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture, Satire.
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Reese Angry

SIC WILLIE HOPING A LITTLE BI-CURIOSITY WILL RESOLVE THE CONFLICT

FITSNews – January 30, 2007 – It hasn’t been a good week for South Carolina transplant Reese Witherspoon. First, the idiots over at Showbiz Sky were “uber fussy” in criticizing her grey, knee-length Nina Ricci dress from the Screen Actors Guild Awards. Fortunately, ET got it right.

Reese may have to compete with Rachel McAdams for Sic Willie‘s affections, but she doesn’t make fashion mistakes, people.

Anyway, Reese’s reps may or may not have placed a “cease and desist” telephone call to Sic Willie this morning, informing him that he was scaring the Legally Blonde heroine, but all his ears heard was that Reese may or may not be open to a threesome with him and Rachel McAdams.

John Edwards’ Wife Doesn’t Get It January 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
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John Edwards House

RICH FOLK LIVING IN ONE AMERICA LOVE EDUCATING THE UNWASHED MASSES LIVING IN THE OTHER

FITSNews – January 30, 2007 – We respect the fact that Elizabeth Edwards, wife of arm-flapping presidential wanna-be John Edwards, is a cancer survivor. And hopefully she respects the fact that we’re going to make fun of her anyway.

Seriously, only the wife of a liberal class warfare antagonist whose 28,200-square-foot house (pictured above) has unleashed a mini-political firestorm would think the P.R. solution lies in giving America an energy efficiency/ social studies lesson.

First of all, this lame ass response is almost exactly the same “change your lightbulbs” drivel that somebody from the Edwards campaign molested our windshield with over the weekend – on non-recycled paper, no less. More importantly, though, it fails to explain how a rich former trial lawyer with the biggest, most expensive house in his County has the nerve to lecture anybody about the inequality of the “Two Americas.” (more…)