Frightening April 30, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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THIRTEEN YEARS LATER COURTNEY LOVE FINALLY PARTS WITH COBAIN’S PJ’S
FITSNews – April 30, 2007 – There is a line out there where grief ends and insanity begans, and from what it sounds like to us Courtney Love probably crossed it like a decade ago. The Guardian UK is reporting today that thirteen years after the mysterious suicide of her husband Kurt Cobain, Love has finally decided to stop sleeping in Cobain’s PJ’s. As Love herself told the paper:
“How am I ever going to go form another relationship in my lifetime wearing Kurt’s pyjamas?”
Amazingly, this might not be Love’s biggest impediment to finding a new soulmate. Let’s start with the whole run-down, rode hard, ex-drug addict look. Seriously, we’ve seen World War II battleships at the bottom of Pearl Harbor that look less used up than this. In fact, if you told us Courtney Love was there getting strafed by Japanese Zeroes and taking the brunt of the Imperial Navy’s torpedo onslaught, we’d probably just say “Well, that figures.”
Our Definition of Skinny Must Be Off April 30, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
PHOTOSHOP PROJECT PROVIDES ANOTHER OPPORTUNITY FOR FEMALE EMPOWERMENT
FITSNews – April 30, 2007 – You know if we had a nickel for everytime Sic Willie came into the FITSNews’ graphic design office and said “I want you to photoshop Kate Bosworth’s head on this girl’s body” we seriously wouldn’t need any of these advertisers … uhh … nevermind.
Anyway, having previously earned kudos for tackling the painful issue of anorexia with sensitivity and aplomb, we are always eager for the opportunity to empower women with additional information concerning this delicate subject.
For example, the girl in the leopard print bikini (above, left) is skinny. Kate Bosworth (above, right), on the other hand, is an upside down broom with arms. Knowledge is power ladies, so enjoy that dessert tonight.
Bravo, DeMint April 30, 2007Posted by fitsnews in US Politics.
SENATOR ABSOLUTELY CORRECT TO STOP “EARMARKING”
FITSNews – April 30, 2007 – True, watching U.S. Sen. Jim DeMint in action is a lot like watching ice melt. We’ve met statues with more spunk, corpses with more charisma and potatoes with more personality. In fact, if John C. Calhoun was scheduled to debate DeMint tomorrow, we’d put our money on Calhoun – and he’s been dead for 157 years. Of course if DeMint was debating INSERT NAME HERE tomorrow, we’d put our money on INSERT NAME HERE. Even if INSERT NAME HERE happened to be a statue. Or a potato.
Why? Because while the rest of Washington, D.C. continues to seek government funding for non-essential pork barrel projects via a mechanism that has proven glaringly susceptible to bribes, kickbacks and all manner of corruption, DeMint today said he’s not going to join the pork fest. By rejecting “earmarks” – or lawmakers’ often anonymous personal requests for pet funding projects – DeMint is taking a bold, lonely stand against the gravy train in D.C. that treats taxpayers like second class whores. So nice work, Jimbo. Or should we say Jimmy Lee.
Let The TV Wars Begin April 30, 2007Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
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SPARKS FLY BETWEEN PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGNS OVER TV ADS
FITSNews – April 30, 2007 – We used to make fun of SouthCarolina08.com for being a John McCain-Mitt Romney spitball match. In fact, until the site was purchased by new owners in February, it was little more than a running diary of Never-Been-Laid College Republicans arguing about who broke somebody’s protractor during a precinct reorganization meeting in Abbeville County.
Anyway, inter-campaign spitball fights can make for good stories, provided you cover them in moderation. Like when we asked senior McCain advisor John Weaver the other day whether he was worried about Mitt Romney’s new ads crowding out the press coverage of John McCain’s presidential announcement last week.
“I’ll be curious when those commercials start having an impact on his favorables,” Weaver told us. “We’re going to keep grinding it out, it’s not about winning straw polls against John Cox.” (more…)
A Peaceful Muslim Feelin? April 30, 2007Posted by fitsnews in US Politics.
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LONDON “PEACE” DEMONSTRATION PHOTOS TURN OUT TO BE PART OF GLOBAL INTERNET HOAX
FITSNews – April 30, 2007 – We were forwarded a number of photos the other day from a buddy of ours up in Canada. Well, not really. Turns out we actually don’t know anybody in Canada. But we know people who know people in Canada (if you know what we mean). Anyway, the photos (one of which is pictured above) are allegedly from a “Religion of Peace Demonstration” staged in London “recently,” and include such sayings as “Europe: Your 9/11 Is On The Way,” “Butcher Those Who Insult Islam,” and “Be Prepared For The Real Holocaust.”
Turns out the pictures are authentic enough, but the context behind the story is a hoax. The pictures were actually snapped back in February 2006 after a Danish newspaper enraged Muslims around the world by running ostensibly offensive cartoons of the Prophet Mohammed. No such “Religion of Peace Demonstration” involving these Muslim protestors ever took place in London.
In related news, however, the e-mail Sic Willie received last week from an African empress claiming to have $90 million in non-sequential government bearer bonds tucked under her cleavage turned out to be real. Her name is Princess Imani Izzi of Zamunda and Sic Willie’s love for her is real too, people.
FITS Fartknockers In First April 29, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Sports.
SIC WILLIE’S FANTASY TEAM IS, DARE WE SAY, “EN FUEGO”
FITSNews – April 29, 2007 – One month into the 2007 fantasy baseball season, Sic Willie’s FITS Fartknockers are putting a hurting on the competition, cruising to the league lead in four of eight statistical categories and opening up a 10-point cushion in the standings. Paced by stars like Jimmy Rollins and David “Big Papi” Ortiz, the Fartknockers are hitting a league-leading .302 with 41 home runs and 182 RBI’s. The FITS’ pitching staff also boasts a league-leading 2.23 ERA.
“I know Rudy Giuliani likes the Yankees, John McCain likes the Diamondbacks and Mitt Romney likes whichever team he thinks will get him the most votes, but these suckas better recognize,” Sic Willie told listeners during ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball telecast. “The fact is my Fartknockers are knocking on the door of fantasy baseball immortality.”
Come to think of it, this makes perfect sense. After all, with an imaginary political consulting firm and a roster full of imaginary clients, why wouldn’t Sic Willie excel at fantasy baseball?
UPDATE – Sic Willie’s interview was apparently with Teddy Garland of WRDU in Durham, the “Voice of the Bulls,” not ESPN.
Echo Chamber – Harrell’s House Of Cards, Pt. 2 April 29, 2007Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
A BEHIND THE SCENES LOOK AT THE CIGARETTE TAX SHOWDOWN IN THE S.C. HOUSE OF (BIG GOVERNMENT) REPRESENTATIVES
FITSNews – April 29, 2007 – It was a little before 5:00 p.m. last Wednesday afternoon when the wheels officially fell off in the S.C. House of Representatives. An amendment to the cigarette tax increase introduced by Speaker Bobby Harrell himself had just been shot down by a 61-55 margin – a vote that represented nothing short of a roundhouse right to the jaw of the man considered by many to be the most powerful politician in all of state government, not to mention the frontrunner to become South Carolina’s next governor.
“What just happened?” one lobbyist sitting in the House balcony leaned over and asked another.
“Bobby just got punched in the face, that’s what happened,” the second lobbyist whispered back. (more…)
Brady’s A Brown But … April 28, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Sports.
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… IT TOOK A LOT LONGER THAN EXPECTED TO MAKE HIM ONE
FITSNews – April 28, 2007 – Former Notre Dame quarterback Brady Quinn is officially a member of the Cleveland Browns, it just didn’t go down the way anybody expected. Instead of taking “Dreamboat” with the third overall pick of today’s NFL Draft, the Browns instead picked some fat guy from Wisconsin. Eventually they came to their senses and snagged Quinn with the 22nd pick, which they acquired in a draft day trade with the Dallas Cowboys.
Amazingly, Quinn was still around at that point after being passed up by several teams rumored to be in the market for quarterbacks.
What causes a player’s draft position to fall? We’re not sure exactly. We know in Sic Willie‘s case back in 1994 (the first year he was eligible for the draft) it all started when he was born without any coordination or athletic ability.
Can McCain, GOP Candidates Reconcile With “The Boys?” April 27, 2007Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
WILL “HERITAGE” SUPPORTERS FORGIVE ARIZONA SENATOR?
FITSNews – April 27, 2007 – “The boys don’t forget,” a friend of ours told us several months ago.
Who are “the boys,” you may ask?
Well, they’re supporters of the Confederate flag, among other things. Good Ole’ Boys. White boys. Budweiser-drinkin’ boys. Overwhelmingly Republican boys. And they just happen to reside in South Carolina in larger numbers than perhaps any other state in the nation. And what is it that “the boys” don’t forget? Well, in the case of the 2008 GOP Presidential Primary, it’s a perceived slap in the face by Straight Talker John McCain that occurred back in 2000 when he returned to South Carolina after losing its primary to George W. Bush and admitted he erred in not advocating the removal of the “Stars and Bars” from the State House dome. (more…)
Score One For The Blogs (& The Taxpayers) April 27, 2007Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
PORK BARREL PROGRAM WE BLEW THE WHISTLE ON GETS SUSPENDED
FITSNews – April 27, 2007 – If you could read Thai, you’d know the sign pictured above says “STOP.” As in do not pass go, do not collect $200. In fact, stop collecting any of the millions of taxpayer bucks wasted in recent years on a flagrant legislative pork fest masquerading as a “competitive grants” program. FITSNews broke the whole competitive grants scandal six weeks ago, and today the committee that “administers” these multiple boondoggles decided to suspend the program pending legislative clarification of its rules. To wit:
“I’m really not interested in putting any more air into that balloon,” said committee member James Brown. “I don’t want to approve any more grants until the legislature evolves the process.”
Sweet. Of course it probably won’t take long for the so-called GOP General Assembly here in South Carolina to find another way to continue wasting your money, but at least we helped cut off this particular spigot for a little while. Count on FITSNews to continue calling the status quo out for “ridin’ dirty” with taxpayer dollars.