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Sic Willie The Parent? June 30, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff.
1 comment so far

little caleb


FITSNews – June 30, 2007 – Okay, before anybody freaks out and calls the Department of Social Services, the incredibly adorable three-year old (above) who just happens to be wearing his underwear on his head is Sic Willie‘s nephew, not his son. We know … Whew! And for the record, a responsible parent was in the car supervising both children the whole time.

Yet even with proper adult supervision, putting a real three-year old and a grown man who still acts like a three-year old together in the car for hours on end is probably not ideal. In addition to showing his young nephew the whole “underwear on the head” trick, Sic Willie also performed the “I Am The Great Cornholio” routine from Beavis and Butthead, exhibited the myriad intricacies of high-volume belching and even taught him how to sing along with the chorus to “Roxanne” by The Police. Ironically, later in the trip Sic Willie almost got the whole family arrested by the real police at a Marion County checkpoint when he forgot he still had underwear on his head. To top it all off, he decided the best place to pull over for a final restroom stop was a third world service station called the “Park and Blow.”

In case you’re wondering, the answer is yes – he is available for babysitting duty …

will with undies

(Above) Sic Willie is the Great Cornholio.


(Above) Marion County law enforcement officers working the checkpoint.

park and blow

(Above) The sun-faded sign at the world famous “Park and Blow.”

South Carolina Senators Need To “Hug It Out” June 29, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in US Politics.
1 comment so far

hug it out


FITSNews – June 29, 2007 – It’s only been a day, but we’re bored already with the ridiculous blog war going on between South Carolina Senators Lindsey Graham and Jim DeMint. Sure, the anonymous musings of a bunch of college Republican virgins and mouth-breathing party activist types might appeal to many of you political junkies, but we’re over it already. Bottom line, whatever spleen-venting “AmnestyHater2007” and “McGrahamiac1” are dishing out to each other in some Mr. Pibb-fueled Dungeons and Dragons chatroom matters not to us, nos freres.

Polls taken a few days before the immigration vote showed 18% of Americans didn’t know enough about the issue to take a position. Given how notoriously difficult it is to get people to admit that they are stupid, we think that number is probably more like 50%. We’re not saying people don’t care about the issue (in fact we think Graham is in some real hot water with his fire-eating GOP base), but after hearing about it incessantly for six months and still not “getting it,” we think most folks are ready to move on.

So let’s “hug it out,” Jim and Lindsey. Hell, you both look like you’d probably enjoy it, anyway.

Try Some Budget Fritos June 29, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Satire, SC Politics.

budget fritos


FITSNews – June 29, 2007 – Two days after receiving a whopping 243 budget vetoes from Gov. Mark Sanford, the S.C. General Assembly responded this afternoon by delivering 243 bags of “Budget Fritos” to the Governor’s Office.

“Mmmmm … Budget Fritos,” said Sanford policy advisor Scott English, licking his lips in anticipation of the delivery. “Gimme some ‘o dat crunchy mmmm-mmmm goodness.”

Initial reports indicate the shipment included Original, Barbecue, Chili Cheese, Flamin’ Hot and Jalepeno-flavored bags. In an ironic twist, the politically-incorrect Frito Bandito (who marketed the chips from 1968-71) delivered the chips personally while singing the Frito song and praising yesterday’s defeat of an immigration reform bill. “Aye yi yii, Jeeem DeeeMeeent is for meeee!” the Bandito sang to the tune of “Cielito Lindo.”

BREAKING – Sanford Paid Drowning Victim’s Family June 29, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.

sanford drowning


FITSNews – June 29, 2007 – S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford agreed to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars to the family of a drowning victim in 2002, sources in Beaufort, S.C. tell FITSNews. Rumors about the settlement – said to have been in the $300-350K range – have been whispered about in Palmetto political circles for years but never reported on until now.

Given strict confidentiality agreements, little is known about the incident in question except that the settlement was reached prior to Sanford’s 2002 election and involves the drowning death of a young black girl in Beaufort County. FITSNews is attempting to obtain copies of the settlement agreement and other related documents including a death certificate, but calls to the attorneys involved, the Beaufort County Coronor’s Office and the governor’s office were not immediately returned.

Developing …

Don’t Forget The Dog, Mitt June 28, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.

family truckster


FITSNews – June 28, 2007 – We thought GOP presidential candidate Mitt Romney loved dogs, but apparently not so much. During a 1983 family vacation to Canada, Romney apparently strapped the family’s Irish Setter “Seamus” to the rooftop of their station wagon for a twelve hour car ride. Seamus was understandably miffed, and proceeded to let Mitt, Tagg & Co. know of his displeasure by crapping all over the roof and windows of the Romney Family Truckster. Believe it or not, this story is from Time Magazine, and Romney’s actions have evoked a visceral response from leading animal rights activists’ including People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals:

“Thinking of the wind, the weather, the speed, the vulnerability, the isolation on the roof, it is commonsense that any dog who’s under extreme stress might show that stress by losing control of his bowels,” said PETA President Ingrid Newkirk. “That alone should have been sufficient indication that the dog was, basically, being tortured.”

The best part of this story is that the incident, which authorities agree was probably illegal, is only seeing the light of day because it was the lead in a Boston Globe profile attempting to showcase Romney’s “emotion-free crisis management.” According to the Globe profile, Romney “coolly pulled off the highway and into a service station. There, he borrowed a hose, washed down Seamus and the car, then hopped back onto the highway.” Gee, what a leader!

UPDATE Todd the Dog, the first canine to run for statewide office in South Carolina history, just issued a statement on this incident. While the statement cannot be reproduced on our blog, it has been scooped up, placed inside a plastic bag and will be delivered promptly to Romney’s S.C. headquarters.

Ummm … June 28, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.

spice girls


FITSNews – June 28, 2007 – Yo! We’ll tell you what we want, what we really really want. So tell us what you want, what you really really want. We’ll tell you what we want, what we really really want. So tell us what you want, what you really really want. We wanna, we wanna, we wanna, we wanna, we wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha!

If you wanna be our lovers, you gotta get with our friends, Make it last forever, friendship never ends, If you wanna be our lovers, you have got to give, Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.

Uh, yeah … if you liked lyrics like that you’re in for a treat because Posh, Baby, Scary, Sporty and Ginger Spice are back. We may have to quit blogging indefinitely while we follow the band on its reunion tour. Sorry!

Brittany Murphy’s Husband Needs A Bro June 28, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
1 comment so far

brittany murphy boyfriend


FITSNews – June 28, 2007 – Our heroes over at WWTDD have the scoop on the latest craziness to befall one of our favorite celebrities of all time, “Clueless” star Brittany Murphy. In another case of life imitating art, Murphy has apparently been duped by Simon Monjack – her sexy beast of a husband – into paying ransom money to free him from captivity after he was allegedly kidnapped by a mysterious Hollywood powerbroker. Of course, he wasn’t really kidnapped or in captivity, the British freeloader was in jail for overstaying his visa (and you thought we didn’t enforce immigration laws, people).

Murphy is telling friends that she is being stalked by a powerful Hollywood figure and this mystery man may have even kidnapped Monjack for 10 days back in April. Murphy eventually had to pay a ransom for Monjack’s return, although it’s not clear who she paid the money too, because the time that Monjack was allegedly being kidnapped coincides with the 10 days he was in jail for overstaying his visa.

Brittany Murphy is one of the sexiest people on the planet. Her husband, on the other hand, appears to be a fat, pathological liar who owes a lot of people money and is desperate need of a Man-bra. He also wears pink and is British.

Criminalizing Speech June 28, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics, US Politics.

cotty jumpsuit


FITSNews – June 28, 2007 – To hear S.C. Rep. Bill Cotty and the editorial board over at The State newspaper (a.k.a. La Socialista) tell it, anybody who doesn’t subscribe to their narrow way of thinking ought to be thrown in jail. Both Cotty and the liberal La Socialista editors went through barrels of ink in recent years demonizing political speech and accusing those who dared to utter it of breaking the law.

Well, it turns out they were wrong. The people who were actually violating our laws – our Constitution, in fact – were Cotty and those of his ilk who sought to illegally suppress our First Amendment freedoms by imposing unconstitutional government regulations.

With the Supreme Court decisively upholding political speech as an essential pillar of our democracy in its recent FEC v. Wisconsin Right to Life ruling, the suppression of issue ads and other political speech in the days leading up to an election is now undeniably unconstitutional. (more…)

Santee Cooper: Here We Go Again June 28, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
1 comment so far

santee cooper


FITSNews – June 28, 2007 – Off the front-burner for nearly two years, S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford may be renewing his push to privatize the state-owned public utility Santee Cooper, sources tell FITSNews.

Several legislators say they have overheard Sanford policy advisor Scott English dangle the prospect of a renewed gubernatorial push to privatize the agency recently, with English allegedly citing as evidence the strong showing by privatization advocate and former Santee Cooper board member Paul Campbell in a GOP Senate primary earlier this month.

The brainchild of English and S.C. First Lady Jenny Sanford, privatizing Santee Cooper makes good taxpayer sense. Government should no more be in the electricity business than the school bus, town festival or port management businesses. Of course, the governor got his clock cleaned on the issue in 2005 when e-mails surfaced showing that his office secretly orchestrated a study to determine the value of the agency after previously denying any gubernatorial involvement.

John Edwards Sucks But … June 28, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.

ann coulter


FITSNews – June 28, 2007 – It’s hard to say anything that would make us feel sorry for John Edwards, but conservative commentator Ann Coulter is making a strong bid. After saying she wished Edwards would die in a terrorist attack on Tuesday, it seems Mr. $400 Haircut is turning her vitriol into beaucoup campaign dollars.

We’ve never understood the fuss over Coulter. To be perfectly honest, she looks a lot like the end result of an anorexic male giraffe humping a heron bird. We’ve never read a word she’s written, never watched a second of her TV appearances and if she ever agreed to sit for a FITSNews‘ interview we’d probably just sit there and ask her over and over again in giraffeese what it’s like to graze on the Serengeti. Oh, you say you’re in politics Ms. Coulter? And you’ve written some books? That’s great. Moving on, do you ever get nervous that lions or cheetahs are going to attack you when you’re nibbling on acacia leaves?

In all fairness, Coulter does do a great job masquerading as soft core pornography for a bunch of Republican virgins who never opened a Playboy. She also seems to be quite adept at avoiding the sun. Come to think of it, if she could keep her hands frozen exactly like they are in the picture above, we might even be able to turn her upside down and get some yardwork done. Hey, we don’t have to wish terrorist death on Ann Coulter after all!