Right Said Fred May 30, 2007

THOMPSON’S IN … NOW WHAT?

FITSNews – May 30, 2007 – With actor-politician Fred Thompson now all but assured of mounting a bid for the Republican Presidential nomination in 2008, political observers everywhere are scurrying to determine the impact the former U.S. Senator from Tennessee will have on the race. Washington Post reporter Chris Cillizza has an excellent analysis of the “Thompson effect” on his blog this afternoon, which essentially concludes that if you’re name isn’t Rudy Giuliani or John McCain then your chances of getting the nomination now are pretty much screwed.

The momentum for Thompson, who is already polling third nationally among GOP candidates despite the fact he hasn’t announced his candidacy yet, has been buoyed by recent polls showing him matching up favorably against Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton. Here in South Carolina, he’s already received the endorsement of U.S. Rep Gresham Barrett, a potential 2010 gubernatorial candidate who is noted for his appeal to both fiscal and social conservatives – two groups less than enthralled with the current slate of GOP contenders.

We like Thompson – and we don’t even watch Law & Order. We liked him a whole lot in Days of Thunder, though, the 1990 film in which he played no-nonsense NASCAR commissioner “Big John.” In fact, we’ve been known to imitate Thompson whenever our two miniature NASCAR racers get out of line, sitting them down and reminding them they’re a nothing but a “couple of monkeys” running around our racetrack and that if they “so much as trade paint one more time” we’re going to “black flag them both.”

Flipper Is Doing Tricks Again May 30, 2007

ROMNEY JUMPS THROUGH CAMPAIGN 101 HOOP IN SAYING HE WON’T TAKE PRESIDENTIAL SALARY

FITSNews – May 30, 2007 – Here we go again. It seems in every election cycle, you can count on at least one candidate to make a big deal about the fact he or she is refusing to take a salary. It’s a nice idea in theory, but all it usually ends up doing is reminding the average voter that the candidate in question is richer than God. Plus, it goes against one of America’s most basic ideals – getting an honest wage for a hard day’s work. But since it’s a quick and easy (albeit token and meaningless) gimmick that’s destined to grab some free media, campaigns frequently trot it out. Like Mitt Romney‘s campaign did yesterday.

As fiscal conservatives, we appreciate any effort to spare the taxpayers some of their hard-earned bucks. Of course, Romney’s technically not saying that he would refuse his $400,000 annual Presidential salary, he’s talking about donating it to an unspecified charity (probably something to do with cuddly puppies).

We’ve got a better idea. Instead of refusing a salary, what would happen if a presidential candidate agreed to a pay scale that was tied to the nation’s per capita income – currently about $42,000 a year? He or she would still be “saving” the taxpayers $358,000 annually and would actually have (or at least be perceived as having) a direct stake in raising income levels for the rest of us. Most Americans like knowing that their elected officials are working to save them money, and they don’t mind compensating them a fair amount to do so. In most cases such a declaration would still amount to little more than a “millionaire’s gimmick,” but at least this gimmick offers something people can get their brains around instead of serving as yet another reminder of how distant American politicians have become from the people they lead.

Al Gore Needs Some Happy Drugs May 25, 2007

FORMER VEEP SAYS HE’S IMPATIENT, BAD AT POLITICS

FITSNews – May 25, 2007 – We’ve always liked Al Gore. He invented the Internet, after all, which is pretty much the only thing we’ve got going for us these days. He even told us one time that if we’d be his bodyguards, he could be our long lost pal. Then he told us he wanted to call us Betty, and said “Betty when you call me, you can call me Al.” True story. Anyway, that’s why we were sad when we read today’s fallout from an LA Times story featuring this quote from the former Vice President:

“I don’t think I’m particularity good at politics,” he confessed in the interview at the Four Seasons. “There are a lot of things about politics as it currently exists that I don’t think I’m necessarily very skilled at. I’m not being falsely self-critical. I just find that I have less patience and tolerance for the contrivances and artifices that seem to succeed in the current political environment. The balance has shifted in American politics to reward an emphasis on means rather than ends, toward manipulation rather than reasoned discussion.”

Jeez, Al. And we thought John McCain’s conference call music was going to make us slit our wrists. Gore is of course correct in his assessment that politics these days is bullsh*t, but we hear there are some drugs out there that could probably clear that cynicism right up. Speaking of which, we had a cynic on our rear ends for a long time until we discovered a great topical creme that magically dissolved it. Boy were we relieved!

John McCain’s Conference Call Music Sucks May 24, 2007

WE’RE PRETTY SURE IT WAS MELISSA MANCHESTER, PEOPLE

FITSNews – May 24, 2007 – While it may not have been as untenable as his “money is not speech” position on campaign finance reform, the music we heard on John McCain‘s conference call for reporters yesterday made us … let’s see if there’s a nice way to say this … wish we could bleed from our ears until we were dead. Don’t get us wrong, we appreciated the invitation to hang with all the “real reporters” taking turns grilling the Arizona Senator on hunting varmints and immigration reform, but by the fourth iteration of Melissa Manchester’s Come In From The Rain, we were basically ready for the judgment of the Lord to be at hand.

Well, hello there, good old friend of mine,
You’ve been reaching for yourself for such a long time;
There’s so much to say, no need to explain,
Just an open door for you to come in from the rain.
It’s a long walk when you’re all alone,
And someone like you will always choose the long way home.
There’s no right or wrong, I’m not here to blame,
I just want to be the one to keep you from the rain,
(From the rain).

You know, if we had to choose between picking up a telephone receiver and hearing that song again or having a round of armour piercing bullets shot into our skulls at close range, we’d honestly have to wait a while to make our decision. And then we’d probably have to go with the armour piercing bullets. Personally, we prefer RATT or Motley Crue for our conference call hold music, but that’s just us.

Jenna Jameson Is A Political Genius May 22, 2007

PORN STAR COMES OUT IN SUPPORT OF HILLARY CLINTON, AGAINST PRESIDENTIAL TERM LIMITS

FITSNews – Ma-ma-Mia 22, 2007 – Move over James Carville, here comes Jenna Jameson – the internationally-renowned porn star who isn’t afraid to speak her mind on the weighty Constitutional issues of the day. In endorsing Democratic frontrunner Hillary Clinton this week, Jameson also threw her two breasts cents into the debate over presidential term limits. What it’s doing in the Business Journal of Phoenix we can’t say exactly, but anyway:

“The Clinton administration were the best years for the adult industry and I wish that Clinton would run again,” Jameson said. “I would love to have him back in office. I would love to have Al Gore in office. When Republicans are in office, the problem is, a lot of times they try to put their crosshairs on the adult industry, to make a point. I look forward to another Democrat being in office. It just makes the climate so much better for us, and I know that once all our troops come home, things are going to be better and I think that getting Bush out of office is the most important thing right now.”

Wisdom like this really ought to be preceded by trumpets. And flowing robes. And someone in a funny hat that comes out and announces that you are about to be dipped in the fount of all knowledge and understanding. And there’s a good chance the person doing the dipping is going to take off her clothes at some point. Jenna Jameson is like the Oracle in “The Matrix,” people. Or maybe the “Pornacle.”

Florida Is Sneaky May 22, 2007

STATE LOOKS TO TAKE A BITE OUT OF S.C. PRIMARY

FITSNews – May 22, 2007 – The State of Florida has officially moved its 2008 presidential primaries to January 29, leapfrogging a dozen other states and landing the Sunshine State’s voting on the same day as South Carolina’s … for now anyway. Republicans here in the Palmetto State have already vowed to secure an earlier date to protect our state’s “First in the South” status, and many are expecting Democrats to do the same.

It goes without saying that Floridians are a bunch of sneaky bastards, but we could honestly care less about this. To be honest, the fact that a state as stupid as ours has this much influence is ridiculous. It’s like fielding a Special Olympics team at the actual Olympics, or handing your credit card and car keys over to a bunch of crackheads and telling them to make sure they tank it up with premium unleaded after picking up the dry cleaning and dropping the kids off at school.

Come to think of it, maybe if they ordered primary dates by highest SAT scores or graduation rates we’d finally see some real education reform in this state …

Presidential Varmint Huntin’ May 21, 2007

GOP CANDIDATES’ SMACK TALK TAKES A TURN TOWARD YOSEMITE SAM

FITSNews – May 21, 2007 – Just when you thought we were going to have a presidential election free from Yosemite Sam references, along comes John McCain to mess everything up. According to the New York Sun, McCain invoked the Looney Tunes legend in reference to all the “political hay” former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney has been making on the immigration issue. From the Sun story:

“Maybe I should wait a couple weeks and see if it changes,” Mr. McCain said of Mr. Romney’s position on immigration this week. “Maybe he can get out his small varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his yard.”

In blasting Romney for yet another flip-flop – as well as for his illegal Guatemalan help – McCain seemingly scored the rare political “double-double.” But invoking Yosemite Sam often has unintended consequences. Gun-toting cartoon characters are notoriously megalomaniacal (see picture above), and keeping this issue front-and-center among the GOP electorate isn’t McCain’s wisest strategic move at this juncture of the 2008 campaign. Of course everybody does love Yosemite Sam. In fact, he’s a very popular member of our stuffed animal collection, but then again that’s precisely why we keep such a close eye on him.