Stupid In Spartanburg April 20, 2007

LOCAL GOP CHAIRMAN STILL HAVING TROUBLE WITH NATIVE TONGUE

FITSNews – April 20, 2007 – There’s a remote chance that a severely retarded orangutan could write a worse press release than Spartanburg County GOP Chairman Rick Beltram, but we seriously doubt it. You’d have to catch that orangutan on a really slow day. Amazingly, Beltram’s latest press release is one of his stronger offerings. For example, in welcoming former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee to Sparkle City tonight, Beltram writes:

Gov. Huckabee has had great success of getting a large percentage of the African American when he ran for Governor in Arkansas.

Uhhh … okay. We guess it is pretty impressive when you get a large percentage of an individual human being. (more…)

S.C. Speaker Likes His Economic Development Caffeinated April 19, 2007

UNLIKE S.C. GOVERNOR, HARRELL LIKES COFFEE – AND LIKES IT STRONG

FITSNews – April 19, 2007 – Unlike S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford, who recently told the good folks at Starbucks during an economic development announcement that he didn’t like their product, S.C. Speaker of the House Bobby Harrell loves him some extra-caffeinated cups of joe.

The FITS gals got to hang out with the Speaker this afternoon at the new Lincoln Street Starbucks in downtown Columbia … stay tuned …

Comrade Littlest Digger April 19, 2007

LEATHERMAN EXTOLS VIRTUES OF SOVIET-STYLE ECONOMY TO HOUSE FRESHMAN CAUCUS

FITSNews – April 19, 2007 – If the slightest shred of doubt remained concerning powerful Senate Finance Chairman Hugh Leatherman‘s allegiance to overtly Marxist economic principles, consider it erased.

Sources tell FITSNews that Leatherman (above – littlest digger) spoke to a meeting of the House Freshman Caucus this morning, where he told the assembled Representatives that he has “never seen the economic benefit” of cutting taxes and that it was actually “better” for the state to have more money because that would grow the economy.

Wow. That is so Republican. Kind of like Leatherman’s “competitive grants” are so competitive. Anyway, shortly after Ronald Reagan turned over in his grave, sources tell us that two Republicans in the Freshman Caucus may have actually attempted to walk out of the speech in protest. Of course like economic freedom, protesting is also forbidden in communist states.

The Most Important Election … Ever April 19, 2007

KERSHAW DISTRICT SIX RACE MIRRORS LINCOLN-DOUGLAS IN ITS EPIC GRANDEUR, INTENSITY

FITSNews – April 19, 2007 – Aside from the American Presidency and the Blue Ribbon Pig Competition at the South Carolina State Fair, no election is more vital to sustaining democracy in an uncivilized world than the District Six seat on Kershaw County Council. Which is precisely why would-be statesmen like Jerry Horton and Gary Elliot are continuing to engage in a protracted, philosophical discourse of epic intellectual proportions for the right to assume this sacred mantle. According to La Socialista:

Jerry Horton filed a protest Wednesday in the race for Kershaw County Council District 6, citing problems with provisional ballots and eligible voters being declared ineligible. Democrat Gary Elliott won a special election April 10, with 612 votes to Republican Horton’s 587, according to certified results released Friday. April’s special election was ordered after both candidates protested results from Nov. 7 balloting. A Monday hearing is set with the Kershaw County Election Commission to consider Horton’s protest.

You know if either Jerry or Gary is able to spell the word “provisional,” you can color us completely amazed. Because they’re from Kershaw. Which is like hailing from the Paleozoic Era. In fact we’re not even sure they’ve discovered fire there yet. Seriously, we could put our stuffed animals in a circle around our bed, have them cast their ballots for Snuggleville County Council and the outcome would be like nine twenty katrillion times more important than this race. In the meantime, we’re holding out hope that somewhere in all of this there’s a four-hundred pound woman living in a trailer park who’s in love with both men. Because that would be Springeriffic.

More On The Governor’s Plumbers April 17, 2007

HOW SANFORD’S POLITICAL SPOOKS COULD GET CAUGHT WITH THEIR PANTS DOWN

FITSNews – April 17, 2007 – We reported last week that one of S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford‘s closest allies was rumored to be the mastermind of a surreptitious political intelligence gathering capability directed at individual members of the S.C. General Assembly. We’ll pause for a moment while State Sen. Hugh Leatherman sends someone to look up the word “surreptitious” in the dictionary …

Okay … while our sources have yet to reveal the identity of the Sanford ally in question, they have provided exclusively to FITSNews a list of five State Senators said to have been individually targeted by the governor’s Watergate-style “plumbing” operation. They are:

Sen. John Hawkins
Sen. Jake Knotts
Sen. Hugh Leatherman
Sen. Bill Mescher (since deceased)
Sen. Luke Rankin

Not surprisingly, all five of these Republican Senators are – or were – frequent and at times vocal opponents of the governor’s legislative agenda. (more…)

Mark Sanford Is One Lucky SOB April 17, 2007

FITS’ TRIP TO S.C. DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES DOESN’T GO OFF ACCORDING TO PLAN

FITSNews – April 17, 2007 – Since S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford decided to dime us out to one of his political rivals again the other day, the FITS girls were forced to stop admiring our new red patent leather pumps (from Divine Shoes in Beaufort) and start plotting our revenge. We decided phase one of our “Vaginal Vendetta” would be to pay a visit to the S.C. Department of Motor Vehicles and write a scathing criticism of its slow, inept and unfriendly operations.

There was just one problem with our evil plan. Upon arrival at the Shop Road DMV facility (pictured – above), we were in and out in – no kidding – three minutes and fifty-two seconds. That’s right, door to door at a government agency in 3:52. Which is like three minutes longer than sex lasts with Sic Willie. And on top of that, everybody we dealt with was quick, competent and friendly.

Dammit, that lucky Mark Sanford. If he had balls, we’d have to find something else to bust them over. But since he doesn’t, now we have to find another expression. Hmmm. What about chops? Because South Carolina’s governor is definitely one of those.

UPDATE – Wow. It turns out Gov. Sanford didn’t fix the DMV. Former Govs. David Beasley and Jim Hodges did that, and Sanford just took the credit for it. So in a way our evil plan actually did work! Awesome!