Lassoed December 9, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Sports.
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COLTS INVOKE MERCY RULE IN VICTORY OVER BALTIMORE
FITSNews – December 9, 2007 – After amassing a 44-7 lead early in the third quarter, the Indianapolis Colts rested starters like Peyton Manning and Joseph Addai for the last twenty minutes of their 44-20 thumping of the Baltimore Ravens last night.
NBC’s showcase Sunday night game was billed as competitive contest, but Manning and the Colts’ dominance made it anything but, leaving announcers Al Michaels and John Madden to contemplate Madden’s disdain for shellfish, among other banalities. Of course despite its lack of “viewer benefit,” the win clinched a sixth-consecutive playoff berth for Indianapolis (11-2) and featured the 300th touchdown pass of Manning’s illustrious career, tying him for fourth on the all-time NFL list.
The drubbing also ended on a high note for the 4-9 Ravens, as last year’s Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith made his NFL debut, completing 3 of 5 passes for 33 yards and running for a six-yard touchdown on Baltimore’s final drive of the game.
This kid’s gonna be good, people.
Maggie Gyllenhaal Is Hot December 8, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
THE CONFUSION IS OVER, PEOPLE
FITSNews – December 8, 2007 – It’s been nearly five months since our founding editor Sic Willie became obsessed with answering one of the fundamental riddles of our time – specifically, is Maggie Gyllenhaal hot or not? Seeking to resolve his initial confusion, Sic went out and purchased Gyllenhaal’s latest offering – Sherrybaby – on DVD for him and the FITS gals to watch this weekend.
While Sic instantly related to the film’s central theme of a bad girl seeking to rehabilitate her life after several run-ins with drugs, alcohol and prison, he also couldn’t help but notice the fact that Gyllenhaal’s character, Sherry Swanson, was pretty much either naked or bra-less for the entire movie.
Frankly we found that highly offensive, people, seeing as we would never stoop to such crass objectification as a means of spreading our message of hope and empowerment. Having said that, we look forward to the edited Lifetime TV version of Sherrybaby, which we trust will strike a more appropriate balance between genuine inspirational value and the shallow exploitation of the feminine form … kind of like FITSNews does, for example, in posts like this.
K-Fed’s New Lawyers? December 8, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff, Satire.
NORTH CHUCK’S ON THA SCENE JUST IN CASE YA DIDN’T KNOW IT
FITSNews – December 8, 2007 – The FITS gals and Sic Willie were skraight up “rollin’ … in our 5.0” (with the rag-top down so our hair could blow) this morning when we happened upon “Internet gold,” a.k.a. North Charleston’s own Wigger Law Firm.
Yes, that’s the firm’s name. And no, neither that picture above nor the one of Sic laughing his ass off (below) have been Photoshopped in any way.
Seriously, we’re sure these guys are great lawyers and everything, but if this story doesn’t get picked up by popsites like Tyler Durden and The Superficial (with the obligatory Kevin Federline references), we’re gonna be majorly disappointed. Cause it’s dope, to tha lyrical poets, (and) North Chuck’s on da scene just in case ya didn’t know it … plus we almost got killed swerving across eight lanes of traffic in order to bring you these iconic images.
Incidentally, this is probably as good a time as any to break the news that South Carolina’s own gubernatorial spokesman Joel Sawyer actually performed “Ice Ice Baby” as the opening karaoke number at his own wedding reception a couple years back. True story, people. True story. Now stop … collaborate and listen. FITS’ is back wit a brand new invention. If there’s a problem – yo we’ll solve it … now check out the hook while our DJ revolves it.
Boom-boom-boom-b-b-boom-boom – boom-boom-boom-boom-b-b-boom boom.
Sic’s Got His Throwback Jersey December 7, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff.
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AND IT’S MUCH COOLER THAN THE GENERAL ASS-EMBLY’S, PEOPLE
FITSNews – December 7, 2007 – Ever since members of the South Carolina General Assembly received their 41% throwback jerseys earlier this year, our own Sic Willie has been feeling a little green. As in “with envy.”
And while he didn’t send our state’s economy hurtling into the toilet by blowing over a billion dollars of your money on a bunch of useless crap, that doesn’t mean he should be denied the joy of “old school” jerseys, people.
Like the classic 1988 “speed blue” Indianapolis Colts’ jersey of Hall-of-Fame running back Eric Dickerson, for example. Sexy, baby, sexy. But don’t touch Sic, cause he’s electric, and if you touch Sic, you’ll get shocked!
Bless You, Child December 7, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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UNDERWEAR IS CONFINING, BUT FREEDOM IS WHAT AMERICA’S ALL ABOUT, PEOPLE
FITSNews – December 7, 2007 – Today is indeed a “date which will live in infamy,” but not because our favorite popslut Linday Lohan decided to go out on the town without any underwear … again. That’s a date that will live in something else. Like Sic Willie‘s pants, for example.
Of course, it’s also a profound statement on the resilience of democracy in a perilous and unpredictible New World Order. After all, isn’t shedding the forces that seek to restrain us what freedom is all about?
God bless you, Lindsay. And God bless America. There ain’t no doubt we love this land …
Heisman Hoopla December 7, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Sports.
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OUR VOTE IS FOR TIM TEBOW, PEOPLE
FITSNews – December 7, 2007 – You can imagine our surprise when the Downtown Athletic Club in New York City called this morning and told us that we were solely responsible for selecting the winner of this year’s Heisman Trophy award, college football’s most coveted individual honor. Frankly, we’re pretty humbled by this responsiblity, but then again we’re also pretty humbled every time we’re in the Hardee’s drive-thru and are asked to choose between curly, hand-cut or regular french fries.
We’ve also unilaterally decided that from here on out, the Heisman Trophy will be molded in the image of former Michigan star Desmond Howard (above), who struck his famous pose back in 1991 en route to capturing the award. Which will make Michigan fans very happy.
Of course we’ve also decided to strip Michigan’s Charles Woodson of his 1997 Heisman and give it to Peyton Manning, who deserved to win it more than any college football player who’s ever played the game. Which will probably make Michigan fans very, very angry.
Our Geeks Speak … December 7, 2007Posted by fitsnews in The Press.
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… YOU CAN COMMENT USING ANY E-MAIL ADDRESS YOU WANT, PEOPLE
FITSNews – December 7, 2007 – It always cracks us up when influential politicians or prominent government officials post comments on FITSNews using fake names … but then type their actual e-mail addresses when they click the “say it” (i.e. “submit”) button. Of course, it also cracks us up to read the funny fake e-mail addresses people come up with when they finally realize they don’t have to type in their actual e-mail address in order to have their comments posted on our website.
Some of our personal favorites are:
So get creative, people. But for real, don’t feel like you have to use your actual e-mail address when you comment here, because you don’t. For example, if you’re John Edwards and you want to post a comment as “Hillary Hater” (using the e-mail address email@example.com), then have at it. We won’t know the difference. Similarly, if you’re President Bush and you want to post a comment as “War Eagle” (using the e-mail address firstname.lastname@example.org), then knock yourself out, El Presidente. Again, we’ll never know the difference …
Of course if you’re one of Sic Willie‘s many female admirers, we would strongly encourage you to accompany your anonymous posts with a personal e-mail to email@example.com. Preferably one with pictures attached.
Huckles Is Winning? WTF? December 6, 2007Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
BASS-PLAYING BAPTIST PREACHER TAKES THE LEAD IN SOUTH CAROLINA
FITSNews – December 6, 2007 – According to a new Rasmussen poll, former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee has taken the lead in South Carolina’s pivotal “First in the South” presidential primary. Again, we’re pretty sure this has something to do with it, but we’ve been wrong before.
Anyway, the new poll has Huckleberry at 25% in the Palmetto State, seven points ahead of former U.S. Sen. Fred Thompson and former Massachusetts dolphin, er, governor Mitt Romney, both of whom are polling at 18%. Rudy Giuliani came in at 12%, followed by John McCain (9%) and Ron Paul (4%).
Not that anybody cares, but we were actually in the crowd at the 2003 concert in Charleston, West Virginia (the one at which the picture above was taken). At least we think we were, as that was kind of an “experimental” period in our lives. We don’t really like to talk about it too much, although we can confirm that there’s no hope in dope, people. None whatsoever. Oh, and crack is whack.
We’ve said all along that we like Huckles a lot, but we do have some legitimate questions as to his fiscal conservative credentials. Like if they exist, for example. Of course you gotta be impressed by his recent Chuck Norris ad and the fact he’s come out of nowhere to become the frontrunner in South Carolina with virtually no cash and nobody on his payroll. We’ll see how he holds up now that these guys have made him their No. 1 target.
Whatever December 6, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
DONALD TRUMP LEAVES WAITER A $10,000 TIP?
FITSNews – December 6, 2007 – This will probably turn out to be one of those pointless hoaxes – you know, like men landing on the moon or someone shooting President Kennedy – but both Tyler Durden and The Superficial are reporting that Donald Trump left some waiter a $10,000 tip on an $82.27 tab on Monday.
We attempted to compute that tip in terms of its percentage of the tab on our handy dandy cell phone tip calculator but it kept frowning at us every time we tried to type in the numbers. Then it spit at us, honest-to-God, at which point we gave up and spent an hour feeling sorry for ourselves.
It could be that our lack of sticktuitiveness is why some people have $2.9 billion to do crazy stuff like this and we don’t, but then again unlike Trump at least our Miss Teen USA beauty pageants are on the level, people. After all, how is it our fault that the judges find us so beautiful, talented and engaging year after year?
“Governor’s Spokesman?” December 6, 2007Posted by fitsnews in SC Politics.
WHEN DID SIC WILLIE GET REHIRED?
FITSNews – December 6, 2007 – This is news to us, but according to the website Sh*t Politics, former gubernatorial press secretary and FITSNews‘ founding editor Sic Willie has reportedly been re-hired as Gov. Mark Sanford’s spokesman.
“The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believers,” Sic said upon hearing the news of his re-appointment. “Are you threatening me?”
Obviously, the good folks over at Sh*t Politics meant to say “former” spokesman, because there’s no way in hell our Sic would’ve ever put out today’s ridiculous press release from the governor’s office, in which overspending, annualizations and liabilities to retirees were portrayed as the “Ghosts of Budgets Past, Present and Future.”
In other news, Sic’s name has also been floated as a potential replacement for Egg McMuffin over at the S.C. Policy Council, although rumor has it his insistence that all female employees participate in “Thong Day” is holding up negotiations.