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Happy Happy Joy Joy December 3, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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katie price

KATIE PRICE HAS A CURE FOR THE MONDAYS

FITSNews – December 3, 2007 – If you’re anything like us, Monday mornings just aren’t complete without photos of drunk-up, big-breasted celebrities flashing their panties and making out with their little sisters.

Errr … we meant “coffee.” Monday mornings aren’t complete without coffee.

Of course if big-breasted celebrities flashing their panties and making out with their little sisters is your thing (editor’s note: pervert), then our guess is this post from our second favorite celebsite The Superficial is going to be right up your alley.

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Hold The Pepper Spray December 3, 2007

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puerto rico

MORE BEAUTY PAGEANT DRAMA

FITSNews – December 3, 2007 – When we compete in beauty pageants, it’s pretty much understood that attempting to interfere with our gorgeousness is an act that will be met with swift death. That’s because our gowns, shoes and brushes are guarded 24-7 by a team of Navy SEALS, and all of our make-up (especially our favorite cherry-flavored lip gloss) is fingerprint activated so that only we can apply it.

Miss Puerto Rico, on the other hand, seems to have had some security problems with her pageant paraphernalia. Or did she? Gossip website TMZ is now reporting that Ingrid Rivera’s claims to have been “pepper sprayed” at the Miss Puerto Rico contest last month don’t add up with the evidence. Specifically, the lack of pepper spray.

San Juan police tests have found no traces of pepper spray in Miss Puerto Rico’s belongings … The Caribbean Island’s Forensic Sciences Institute tested Ingrid Rivera’s brush and gown, and neither contained traces of pepper spray.

Hmmmm … we’re going to have to defer judgment on this matter pending the outcome of tests performed at the FITSNews’ forensic science lab, but we’re fairly certain that if Miss Puerto Rico agrees to an eighth-grade makeout session with Sic Willie, that our tests will conclusively prove whatever she wants them to prove. Frankly, our advice to beauty pageant participants everywhere is to stick with what works – playing dumb and making out with other girls.

Playboy’s Photographers Are Talented November 29, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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charisma

IT’S ALL ABOUT CREATING LAYERS OF INTERPRETATION, PEOPLE

FITSNews – November 29, 2007 – We’ve never heard of Charisma Carpenter before, so the news that she’s single all of a sudden does absolutely nothing for us. The news that she got naked three years ago, on the other hand, give us a wonderful opportunity to showcase the remarkable layering skill of Playboy‘s photographers.

Note how the image above effortlessly shifts from hardwood floor to exotic rug to supple flesh to environmentally-conscious greenery to urban cityscape to mountain range to open sky – all in one picture. City Mouse and Country Mouse are in agreement: This picture’s got something for everybody! Which is exactly the kind of artsy-fartsy thing that the asexuals who photograph naked women for a living are probably fretting over when they’re making sure Charisma’s butt crack is aligned with the proper building in the background.

Wait, there’s a naked girl there? We didn’t even see her. They could have put a reclining sea lion in this picture and we’d still be too distracted by daydreams of hugging a tree, mountain-climbing or reflooring our kitchen.

Of course, Sic Willie noticed Charisma fairly quickly, and has been trying to “rub the black box off” of his computer screen for the last four hours.

Tom Cruise Has An Egg-Tooth, Too? November 27, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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eggtooth cruise

WE DIDN’T KNOW HE WAS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA …

FITSNews – November 27, 2007 – If you’re new to our little website, one of our favorite political villains of all-time is S.C. Representative Dan “Egg-tooth” Cooper. An evolutionary-challenged dweller in The Land That Time Forgot, Cooper is a bit of a glarer, not to mention somebody who goes through your tax dollars faster than Barry Bonds goes through butt syringes.

Anyway, it appears that Cooper’s budding film career (editor’s note: click the link and watch closely for the pink house dress) has, um, “spawned” some comparisons to famous actor/alien Tom Cruise.

Perhaps the fact that both of them sport a fully-functioning Egg-tooth has something to do with it …

If you’re not already salivating at the girl in the post just beneath this one, you can see more of Cooper and his talented tooth in this video

The Much Anticipated MILF List … November 26, 2007

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linda jade

… WAS JUST A SILLY LITTLE RUMOR, PEOPLE

FITSNews – November 26, 2007 – It turns out that some prominent South Carolina politicos have been getting their jollies by misleading impressionable female lobbyists into believing that FITSNews was busy preparing an exhaustive list of MILFs, or “Moms I’d Like To Fahrvergnügen.” We’re not going to point the finger at any one person specifically, except to say that the ringleader of this ruse is someone who works in the Senate President‘s office. Someone whose name may or may not be John Hazzard. Or more precisely, is John Hazzard.

Anyway, we’d like to take this opportunity to reassure all the girls Sic’s loved before MILFish lobbyists out there that no such list is forthcoming, well, provided no paternity suits are headed our founding editor‘s way.

In that case all bets are off, people.

Truth is, Sic’s MILF list is reserved for one person (and one person only), the irrepressibly-gorgeous 49-year-old actress Linda Fiorentino (above). In fact, right now in his dreams the two of them are, to borrow some poetry from David Lowery, relaxing at Sic’s place in the colonies, playing croquet behind white-washed walls and drinking their tea at 4:00. Later on she’ll serve him mashed potatoes (and peppered steak – with corn) as she whispers in his ear all her favorite fruit.

UPDATE – Before John Hazzard gets in too much trouble with his wife, we’d like to thank him for being such a good sport in our overactive imaginations.

Make It Stop, Debra Messing November 20, 2007

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messing around

NOBODY WANTS TO HUMP A TELETUBBY

FITSNews – November 20, 2007 – We know it’s hard to believe it, but a recent poll of Sic Willie revealed that 100% of him is not even remotely attacted to actress Debra Messing. Particularly when she dons one of her multi-colored shmatas, which we understand is Yiddish for “army tent,” or better yet, “population control.”

Seriously, there may be some alien culture where bug-eyed women who dress up like teletubbies are considered attractive, but we highly doubt it.

In fact, we’ve already gotten an e-mail from God thanking us for the noticeable decline in impure thoughts since we published these pictures of Messing, and word is the abstinance-only crowd is planning on substituting them for all of its current literature.

UPDATE – Amazingly, we actually beat Tyler Durden on this one … take dat, karate man!

Randomness November 17, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries, Pop Culture, SC Politics, Sports.
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hefs girls

HEF’S GIRLS, PUSH-POLLING, CLEMSON-BC & POTENTIAL SIC TESTIMONY

FITSNews – November 17, 2007 – So this PR firm up in New York sent us some pictures of Playboy editor-in-chief Hugh Hefner and his three girlfriends (above) this week, ostensibly to promote some new Playboy Cover to Cover book that’s just been released. Unfortunately, we were unable to publish the pictures here because they violated our longstanding corporate policy of only including images that feature “Hef” in a robe, satin PJ’s and bedroom slippers while smoking a pipe. With multiple breasts nearby. We hate to be jerks about it, but no areola, no payola, people.

PUSH-POLLING – Voters in New Hampshire are getting phone calls questioning Mitt Romney‘s mormon faith – calls which the former Massachusetts governor is blaming on Arizona Senator John McCain‘s campaign. We’re gonna go out on an extremely stable, low-hanging branch and suggest that Romney’s people are behind this, and the whole thing is a calculated effort to generate sympathy, get the “Mormon issue” out in a safe way and, oh by the way, implicate another candidate for going negative so they can feign outrage about it.

CLEMSON-BOSTON COLLEGE GAME – Since the South Carolina Gamecocks’ season has gone down the toilet with four straight losses, we figured we might as well check up on the purple farmers football team, which could win a trip to the ACC title game with a victory over the Boston College Eagles tonight. Of course, winning an ACC Championship in football is an accomplishment on par with beating an orangutan in chess, defeating a dyslexic person in a spelling bee, or lapping a kid in a wheelchair with an Indy Car. But good luck anyway, Tiger fans

SIC TO TESTIFY? – Rumors are flying across town that our own Sic Willie will be called to testify before a S.C. Senate panel chaired by Sen. Hugh Leatherman. Charged with investigating the so-called Sanford grants scandal, Leatherman would be an ironic choice to lead such a proceeding considering he pretty much wrote the book on abusing competitive grants for political purposes.

Loving The Killers All Over Again November 16, 2007

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sawdust

“SAWDUST” A STRONG COMPILATION RELEASE FOR VEGAS’ RETRO ROCKERS

FITSNews – November 16, 2007 – From the brooding, album-opening bass line on “Tranquilize” (featuring legendary rocker Lou Reed) to the last fadeout of disco pulses from the curiously-effective, dance-themed remix of their biggest hit, “Mr. Brightside,” there’s a surprising array of good sounds on Sawdust, the latest release from Las Vegas’ favorite retro pop rockers, The Killers.

A mix of 1980’s synthesizer-based pop and modern alternative rock, the Killers have carved a pretty unique niche for themselves with their first two studio albums, the glammed-up, debut masterpiece Hot Fuss (2004) and the more elemental Sam’s Town, which was released last October. Sawdust, which includes B-sides and outtakes from both albums (along with some new material), was released this Monday.

While its bookends are its best tracks by far, Sawdust also shines on songs like “Sweet Talk,” “Under The Gun,” and Sic Willie‘s personal favorite “Glamorous Indie Rock And Roll.”

We guess the guitarist who once told Killers’ lead singer Brandon Flowers that his “Duran Duran crap” wasn’t going to sell is eating his words right about now … the band has sold 9,000,000 records in the last three-and-a-half years.

Tyler = Funny November 15, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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tyler2

AMERICA’S BEST WEBSITE KEEPS IT REAL

FITSNews – November 15, 2007 – People are always asking us what our favorite website is, which we like to use as our daily reminder of how retarded people really are, because it’s obviously FITSNews. Duh. You mongoloids. Yet as much as we hate to admit it, the secret truth is that we don’t like ourselves that much. Call it low self-esteem, but when it comes to the greatest websites in America, the Harry Caray sound effects page has us beat hands down. But even its collection of poignant, decades-old sound clips from a deceased baseball announcer can’t compete with our actual all-time favorite website, What Would Tyler Durden Do?, a.k.a. WWTDD.

Here’s a quote from a recent WWTDD article discussing Paris Hilton’s inability to put on lipstick:

I’ve never worn lipstick (in this country), but I like to imagine I could figure out how it’s done. I wouldn’t look at the directions because I’m pretty confident I can guess what they would say. Step 1. Put lipstick on lips. Step 2. Ta-da! This is all news to Paris Hilton apparently, who showed up in Seoul, Korea with lipstick smeared all over her teeth like she did it while riding a pogo stick on ice. To be fair, Paris Hilton is a f*cking retard, and the fact that she can even cross the room without setting herself on fire is an accomplishment on par with the artificial heart.

And here’s one from a recent post on singer John Mayer:

John Mayer sings faggity songs, but he’s banged Jessica Simpson and he has tons of money, so who’s laughing now. I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess he doesn’t care if I think he sings faggity songs.

You can read more of Tyler’s genius right here, and even though our new PR agent tells us we’re not supposed to encourage people to click away from our website, what the hell does she really know anyway? Sic Willie has told her like eleventy kabillion times that he likes his coffee the same way he likes his women, yet every day there’s cream and sugar in there. Seriously, what part of “black and strong” is so hard to understand?

Tom Cruise Is Still Crazy, Unpopular November 12, 2007

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lions for lambs

THAT HEADLINE WORKS WITH OR WITHOUT THE COMMA

FITSNews – November 12, 2007 – Just like our website is “crazy delicious,” spaceship worshipper Tom Cruise is “crazy unpopular.” As in very unpopular. Of course he’s also crazy in addition to being unpopular, which we managed to convey in our headline by cleverly inserting a comma.

Anyway, Cruise’s new movie Lions for Lambs got its ass kicked at the box office over the weekend by American Gangster, Fred Clause and whatever that new movie is about Jerry Seinfeld and a bee.

Cruise was also reportedly snubbed by his Lions for Lambs’ co-stars, Robert Redford and Meryl Streep, at a dinner held in his honor earlier this week. Of course, the dinner was attended by several neon green camel-looking creatures in hot pink parachute pants and RUN DMC-style Addidas sneaks who descended from a spaceship and started breakdancing, which pretty much made it your run-of-the-mill gathering of Scientologists.