Carol Of The Bells = Worst Christmas Song EVER December 10, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff.
JUST SLIT OUR WRISTS NOW
Something about singing all the happy songs takes us back to a simpler time – a time when we were innocent little girls rushing happily downstairs to open our new Barbie convertibles and Glamour Princess makeup kits. A time when boys thought we were yucky and Sic Willie was still picking his nose and eating it … wait, never mind. That still happens.
Anyway, we love practically every Christmas song in the book – even most of the ones about bells, like “Jingle Bells” or “Silver Bells.” Of course there is one atonal nightmare (featured in the wrist-slitting Garmin.com ads) that consistently steals our holiday joy and turns our “very merries” into “bah humbugs,” if not suicidal tendencies.
The song is called Carol of the Bells, or as Sic calls it “Carol of my Balls,” and it’s the one that features that obnoxious “DING-DONG-DING-DONG” dirge that inspires about as much holiday cheer as one of Trent Reznor’s “downward spirals.”
Seriously, we don’t know who wrote this fingernails-on-the-blackboard abortion of a song, but we’re strongly considering suing them (and the DING-DONGers over at Garmin.com) for the cost of the 11 high-definition plasmas that we’ve put bricks through since that gay ass ad started running … or at least the four of them that were ours.
“Where’s shopping mall? (DING-DONG) There’s shopping mall! Where’s Chinese food? (DING-DONG) There’s Chinese food!”
#%&ing shoot us now, people.
There may be some Volvo-driving Junior Leaguers out there who relate to this sort of eardrum-irritating noise pollution, but we’d frankly rather hear Sic Willie belting out his extended X-rated version of “Frosty the Snowman” (while being trapped in the bathroom with him after a visit to El Jalisco’s Mexican restaurant) than listen to one second of the acoustic terrorism that is this affront to auditory sensibility.
UPDATE – It turns out the tune to “Carol of the Bells” was composed by Mykola Leontovych, a Ukranian choral conductor who wrote the song five years before he was gunned down by robbers who broke into his parents home in 1923. Lazy ass criminals. Somebody remind us to give them a little nudge as soon as we master time travel, people.