Chillin’ At Da Compound November 28, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Satire.
IT’S GETTING A LITTLE HOT FOR THE BRANCH SIC WILLIANS
FITSNews – November 28, 2007 – Since absolutely nothing is happening today we decided we’d make up a story about a radical, albeit technically non-existent cult called the Branch Sic Willians who built themselves a compound in the middle of rural Anderson County where everybody just sat around and got sarcastically kooky until the Feds came and, um, smoked them all out. Then we figured that making fun of people dying – even if they were all batsh*t crazy – probably isn’t nice. So here’s some real news instead …
GREENPEACE V. NINTENDO – The environmentalists are suing the video game makers over not properly disposing of thier empty cartridges or something. Yeah, we don’t know either. This is interesting to us only because a) absolutely nothing is happening today and b) it’s sort of fun to imagine a bunch of smelly hippies stepping into the ring against a phalanx of short, hyperactive Japanese executives. It also gives us an opportunity to revive our famous Nintendo No GameBoy post.
OJ SAYS HE DIDN’T DO IT … AGAIN – Whatever. “Juice did that sh*t.” In fact, whoever is prosecuting Simpson on these latest charges – which stem from the recent armed robbery of some sports memorabilia dudes in Las Vegas – let’s just say this is the most gift-wrapped case they’re ever going to see. After “not” murdering his ex-wife and another man back in 1994 (and then playing a lot of golf), OJ should’ve known that a simple jaywalk meant he was pretty much screwed. In fact, OJ could have been videotaped dispensing needed food and medicine to third world babies in the middle of Africa surrounded by a million witnesses at the time of this “alleged” robbery and if we were on the jury his ass would still be headed to the gas chamber.
THEY’RE RIOTING IN FRANCE – Seriously? We’re actually writing about this? Did we mention absolutely nothing is happening today? Usually we confine our riot coverage to stories about effeminate-looking Russians hatin’ on gay people (that’s actually our Christmas card this year), but for the moment we forgot that the sort of hot socialist who recently ran for President in France actually lost her race. Which sucks, because as it turns out some white guy branding the rioting as “unacceptable” isn’t remotely interesting. A hot socialist chick branding the rioting as “unacceptable,” on the other hand, is very interesting.
Fortunately, we’ve got a couple of kick ass breaking news stories to post over the next two days that will make all the ADD nonsense you just suffered through worthwhile. That is if they don’t burn down our compound first.