Those Ron Paul Crazies Are At It Again October 31, 2007Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries, Satire.
MASSIVE SPAM WAVE FROM THE LIBERTARIAN? POSSIBLE VOTER ASSIMILATION AHEAD?
FITSNews – October 31, 2007 – It goes without saying that we’re all about lower taxes, less government and more individual liberty here at FITSNews …
Yet for some reason, we just haven’t been able to wrap our brains around the whole Ron Paul Revo-libertarian-ution, although it is true that our founding editor Sic Willie briefly flirted with the notion of voting for the Texas Congressman after discovering that he had a volunteer stripper supporting him. (Editor’s note: Alright, he briefly flirted with the stripper herself, not the notion of voting for anybody).
All kidding aside, though, what’s our problem with Ron Paul? Aside from the fact that we really, REALLY don’t trust people with two first names, we’re quite simply convinced that his supporters are a bunch of stark, raving lunatics. And we’re not sure Dr. Paul’s elevator goes all the way to the top, either.
Anyway, for a candidate espousing such hardcore libertarian views, we thought it was rather odd that a massive Ron Paul spam wave went out shortly after the last Republican presidential debate, sending millions of unsolicited e-mails through what Wired magazine called a “world-wide network of hijacked computers” utilizing “common methods to defeat spam filters.”
Paul’s campaign didn’t have anything to do with the e-mail blasts, obviously, but when your core demographic is a loose coalition of Emos, White Priders, Pot Smokers and Star Trek Convention rejects, it’s hard to blame it on anybody else’s “overzealous supporters.” Seriously, people. These cats take the phrase “drinking the kool-aid” to a whole new level.
The scary thing is that Ron Paul really could win. And we’re not saying that because we really think it, or because we’re high or drunk right now.
We’re saying that because super-secret sources close to a super-secret splinter cell of Ron Paul volunteers are telling FITSNews that they’ve actually harnessed the technology needed to “beam” Ron Paul supporters directly to the polls on election day … while simultaneously assimilating anyone voting for another Republican candidate and vaporizing anyone who dares to vote Democratic.
“Ummmmmm bideee bideee bideee bideee,” droned one member of the group, who Vulcan mind-melded with FITSNews on the condition of anonymity. “You will be assimilated. Ummmm bideee bideee bideee bideee.”