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Beauty Queen Brilliance, Take Two August 28, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Good Stuff.

Caitlin Upton 2


FITSNews – August 28, 2007 – So we finally sprung for the digital cable hookup here at the FITSNews home office, and it couldn’t have come at a better time. That’s because this morning on the Today show, Miss Teen SC Caitlin Upton tried a second time to explain why so many American kids can’t find their own country on a map. In case you missed her first attempt at unlocking this “riddle of the ages,” Upton very well may have provided concrete evidence about a sophisticated Iraqi-South African-Asian “map-stealing” conspiracy. Then again for all we know she may have been ordering some nachos. Or speaking in a pretend language that only she and her stuffed animals can understand. Anyway, here’s Caitlin Upton, take two:

I would love to re-answer that question. Well personally, my friends and I, we know exactly where the United States is on our map. I don’t know anyone else who doesn’t. And if the statistics are correct, I believe there should be more emphasis on geography …. (Concerning her first answer) Everything did come at me at once. I was overwhelmed and I made a mistake. Everybody makes a mistake. I’m human. I seriously think I only heard about one or two words of the actual question.

For the record, we’re sticking with the theory that Caitlin has unearthed one of the biggest conspiracies of our time.

In fact, we’re 99.9% sure the government made her go on the Today show and forced her to read all that “emphasis on geography” crap off the teleprompter.

The government is sly like that. They know people will believe anything coming from barely-legal, corn-fed Southern blondes with pouty lips and sensational breasts, which is why they had to get her out there ASAP to put the “ixnay on the apmay candalsay.”

Something’s up with our maps, people, and you better believe we’re going to get to the bottom of it.



1. Syd - August 28, 2007

It’s The Iraq, I tell ya. The Iraq did it.

2. Mr. Business - August 29, 2007

I took Poland off my map and put it in safe deposit because I think South Africa was giving it the eye.

3. USuC Coots - August 29, 2007

Our maps are made in The Asian countries from The South Africa paper. It’s a global conspiracy to dumb-down U.S. Americans.

4. Dave VanHinkel - August 29, 2007

I don’t care where the US is on a map… just as long as she keeps giving me them hungry eyes.

5. FITSNews - August 29, 2007

Caitlin is friggin’ everywhere. Sic Willie just logged onto his fantasy baseball website and some owner went and put her picture up on the home page!

6. joe blow - August 29, 2007

Hey, Sic, big news, you don’t need digital cable to see the Today show. You don’t even need cable. A good ole-fashioned set of rabbit ears would do it.

7. A-Nod - August 29, 2007

Willie is probbaly paying $500 a month for fuzzy basic. Idiot.

8. E - August 29, 2007

Beauty Queen Brillance…oxymoron. Although I would think it takes a great deal of thought to decide which way to push ones hair while pouting lips. With all that to think about who has time to figure out where anything is on a map.

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