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Van Horrible August 14, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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Van Halen

‘JUMP’ ROCKERS REUNITING … AND IT FEELS SO BAD

FITSNews – August 14, 2007 – So legendary ’80’s rockers Van Halen are reuniting, with Eddie’s son Wolfgang Van Halen on bass guitar. Great. Because what everybody wants to see this fall is a drugged-out dad and his tubby offspring struggling to remember chord progressions while a fossilized David Lee Roth ruptures his hernia attempting to pop big onstage balloons with a judo leg chop.

Sound like a blast? And the best part is that tickets will probably only cost eleventy kabillion dollars apeice … for a nosebleed seat. We can just imagine some crystal meth-snorting, trailer park dad blowing a year’s salary taking his own fat kid to see this travesty and then having to explain afterward that the band used to be cool because they had a bass player who swung back and forth over the stage while playing a Jack Daniels’ guitar, which even we’ve got to admit is pretty damn awesome.

In fact, probably the only thing that would make this show worth seeing was if they strung the fat kid up and let him try flying across the stage. Maybe the Golden Gate Bridge-size cables would break and he’d fall on one (or all) of the other band members. At least then some good would come out of all this.

Actually, we sort of liked Van Halen back in the day, but “back in the day” we were also twelve and parachute pants were considered cool. Since then we’ve witnessed the rise, fall, re-rise and re-fall of John Travolta, which we think pretty much says it all.

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