Crazy People Love Anderson County, SC July 6, 2007Posted by fitsnews in Satire, SC Politics.
WOULD-BE SECESSIONIST CHRISTIANS CHOOSE STATE’S MOST BACKWARD COUNTY TO LAUNCH THEIR REVOLUTION
FITSNews – July 6, 2007 – We’ve got to hand it to the right-wing nut jobs in the Christian Exodus movement. When it came to picking the ideal location for craziness, they hit the nail on the head in choosing Anderson County, S.C. Seriously, what better place to jumpstart a modern-day secession movement than the world’s foremost hotbed of knuckle-dragging? In a nutshell (editor’s note: pun intended), here’s the group’s game plan:
(Christian Exodus) supporting members voted and selected a County for Phase One. We believe we can reestablish constitutionally limited government in this county with the relocation of 100 dedicated Christian activists. That number of activist émigrés, when combined with the present Christian electorate, will enable constitutionalists to win the city council, the county council, elected law enforcement positions, and elected judgeships. We will then be able to protect our God-given and constitutionally protected rights within our local community.
Our guess is this vote wasn’t even close. They probably took one look at House Ways & Means Chairman Dan Cooper’s Egg-Tooth and decided the evolutionary climate in Anderson was ripe for the picking. Sound a bit harsh? We’re not worried. After all, if we ever make the good folks up in Anderson too angry we’ll just grow mullets, dip ourselves in a vat of Skoal and learn how to play “Free Bird” on the flute. Then we’ll lead the whole county in a single-file line to the Dolly Cooper Sports Complex, where we would be unanimously elected God after showing them the blinking lights on our wristwatches.