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Critical Mullet Vote Remains Undecided June 13, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries.
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VITAL DEMOGRAPHIC COULD HOLD KEYS TO WHITE HOUSE

FITSNews – June 13, 2007 – It’s hard to imagine a state in which only half of the population graduates from high school holding the keys to anything, let alone the White House, but such is South Carolina’s historic role in the presidential selection process. So, in the grand tradition of “man on the street” reporting, we recently sat down with thirty-six year-old Nathan Bedford “Booger” Shealy (from Red Bank, S.C.) to get a sense of how the all-important “mullet constituency” viewed the upcoming presidential race.

Below is a transcript from our interview with Booger …

FITSNews: First of all, Booger, what’s up with the recent spate of vandalism in Red Bank? We hear somebody painted “Red Bank Welcome Center” onto a mobile home just inside the town limits. Is that true?

Booger: T’ain’t vandalism if it’s my own house, bo.

FN: So you did it?

Boog: Hell yes I did.

FN: What were you hoping to accomplish by doing that?

Boog: Purty girls.

FN: Pretty girls?

Boog: Sometimes if they see a welcome center sign they come inside to use the bathroom and ask for directions ‘n stuff.

FN: And that’s just before you tell them to “put the lotion in the basket,” right?

Boog: Wut?

FN: Nevermind. Booger, let’s talk politics, shall we?

Boog: Lemme pack a lipper first.

FN: Of course. Now Booger, recent polls show that …

Boog: Polls? Boy I saw me some girls workin’ the pole last night in Santee, bo.

FN: That’s nice, booger, but we were referring to presidential polls … you know, of voters.

Boog: Oh we voted on the pole-dancin’.

FN: Really?

Boog: Hell yes we did. I think the DJ was biased though cuz we found out the girl that won tipped him a little somethin’ extra.

FN: Interesting. Actually the poll we’re talking about is for President …

Boog: Somebody’s runnin’ gainst me!

FN: What?

Boog: Listen. I run the Klavern in these parts, bo. Red Bank don’t play, homey.

FN: Gotcha. Actually, we meant President of the United States.

Boog: Oh. Rite. Well I love me some Bush, if ya know wut I mean. He-he …

FN: That’s nice, Booger, but you can’t vote for Bush again. He’s ineligible.

Boog: He?

FN: Correct. President Bush cannot run again. He’s term-limited.

Boog: Sh*t.

FN: Anyway, most polls in South Carolina show John McCain with narrow lead over Rudy Giuliani and Hillary Clinton with a commanding lead over John Edwards.

Boog: Hill-a-who? You mean ta tell me a girl is running?

FN: Yes, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Boog: Well I got me a couple rods in the back of the truck.

FN: That’s nice, Booger. But do you think you could support a woman for President?

Boog: Depends …

FN: On what?

Boog: Well, would she tie me up?

FN: Probably not.

Boog: Sh*t.

FN: Hillary Clinton does have a plan to provide universal health care for the uninsured, though. Do you have health insurance, Booger?

Boog: What? I’m healthy as a horse, bo.

FN: But what if you have an accident, God forbid?

Boog: I’ve had seven accidents – Booger, Jr., Bucky, Bobby Lou, Bobby Lee, Betty and Seung Ho.

FN: Seung Ho?

Boog: Well he’s adopted but it was still on accident.

FN: Right. But that’s just six, Booger.

Boog: I’z countin’ the wedding too, bo.

FN: Gotcha. Now Booger, we’d like to ask you about immigration. Do you think illegal immigrants should be granted special Visas that let them stay in the country while they earn citizenship?

Boog: Visas?

FN: Yes, Visas.

Boog: Dammit I known you wuz tryin’ to sell me something! Don’t make me git my gun, bo.

FN: No, no … we’re talking about work visas, Booger.

Boog: Well my Visa quit workin’ when I didn’t pay the bill.

FN: Oh. We’re sorry, Booger.

Boog: Not as sorry as I was, bo. I was about to eat me some Hardees biscuits.

FN: Right. Moving on, let’s talk terrorism. Are you concerned about the threat of radical Islamic jihadists?

Boog: Dunno. They gonna try and eat my biscuits?

FN: Well, no, but they don’t like Americans very much.

Boog: Damn Yankees.

FN: Uh … okay. Booger, one last question. Have you seen Days of Thunder?

Boog: Is it porn?

FN: No, Booger. It’s a movie about NASCAR starring Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman and Fred Thompson.

Boog: Wait a minnut … you mean that movie ’bout Cole Trickle! Is he running for President?!?!

FN: No, he’s frightening people with Scientology. but Fred Thompson is running for President …

Boog: Who’s that?

FN: He played Big John in the movie.

Boog: Big John’s running for President?!?!

FN: No Booger, Fred Thompson – the actor who played Big John – is running for President.

Boog: Hell yeah then! That’s who I’m votin’ for! Big John!

FN: Alright, Booger. Thank you for your time this morning. We really enjoyed the opportunity to speak with you.

Boog: Anytime, bo. Say, can I bum a dollar off y’all? I’m kinda hankerin’ for a biscuit …

Stay tuned for more exclusive interviews with Booger only on FITSNews

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Comments»

1. what? - June 13, 2007

If you are going to make up an interview at least make it funny.

2. pathetic - June 13, 2007

Not funny, but the picture makes one wonder if Big Daddy Shealy has a Strom Problem of a Redneck flavor.

3. FITSNews - June 13, 2007

Wow! We haven’t seen a crowd this tough since our last visit to the Alvin Glenn Detention Center!

-FITSNews

4. sic haters - June 13, 2007

poor sic willie is jobless moneyless clientless and everyone agrees not even funny. back to the drawign board eh sic?

5. Make me laugh - June 13, 2007

I thought it was funny…for what it’s worth!

6. Funny not - June 13, 2007

That sounds like the voice of experience. Exactly how many times have you been in the Alvin S. Glenn Detention Center?

7. Funny not - June 13, 2007

Make me was probably Will’s cell mate at Alvin Glenn detention center. They say cell mates stick together, so to speak. 🙂 He’s probably the only one who thought it was funny.

8. Sandlapper - June 13, 2007

Considering that “Booger” and his ilk in Lexington and Anderson counties are the backbone of the Republican Party in SC, is it any wonder that we have Mark Sanford as governor and George Bush as president?

9. CarolinaGirl - June 13, 2007

HA! HA! I live in Red Bank and I think this is hilarious! Especially because I know who my neighbors are…….I think the Red Bank Welcome Center has really added to the quality of things around here and I feel certain my property values are going to sky rocket. Good job, Booger!

10. Booger Me Not - June 13, 2007

As long as there are “boogers” in the world Will Folks will have clients. Only a “booger” would hire the boy in light of his background and history. That’s why T-Rav only hired him by proxy through Shealy, and that only happened when people started to catch on to the under the table money.

11. Dave VanHinkel - June 13, 2007

Ha, his name is Booger.


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