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What’s New With The Princesses? May 20, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture.
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brit paris lindsay

THE NEVER-ENDING MISADVENTURES OF OUR THREE FAVORITE POPSLUTS

FITSNews – May 20, 2007 – The best part about having so many important politicians read our blog is that they have to sift through our updates on Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Honestly, the thought of presidential candidates, congressmen, governors and senators scrolling through our celebrity gossip updates just to make sure we didn’t somehow cleverly juxtapose them is what keeps us going during the dark days.

And there are dark days, people. You may think our lives are “beds of roses” 24/7 but we’ve got news for you – sometimes they’re boxes of chocolates. And sometimes those chocolates have nougat in them. And nougat sucks. Seriously, it tastes like crap and we hate it. Filling a chocolate up with nougat is like putting cardboard where they could have put caramel, almonds, cherries or peanut butter. Mmmm … peanut butter.

Anyway, we’re sure a lot of serious politicos scratch their heads at our frequent pop culture updates, but since we scratch our heads at serious politicos all the time, we’ll call it a draw. Besides, celebrity gossip is a lot more honest than politics when you get right down to it. There’s seldom any obfuscation or beating around the bush when it comes to covering celebrities. They pretty much say “so and so is a b*tch” or “so and so sucks ass” whereas in politics it’s always “my good friend so and so may disagree with me” or “my colleague so and so has a different take on the issue.” Which is fake. And boring.

All of which brings us to the latest on our three princesses:

BRITNEY SPEARS – We’ve got to hand it to our friends over at TMZ for one of the best intros to a celebrity gossip story maybe ever. According to the article, the recently rehabbed Spears refused to fly on a plane from California to Florida because it didn’t have leather seats. From the TMZ story:

Her hair may be growing back, but that didn’t stop Britney Spears from wigging out Friday night on a flight from L.A. to Miami. Page Six reports that the shorn singer flipped out when her United Airlines jet didn’t have the fine leather seats she wanted. Spears’ fellow passenger Tony Sanchez reported that Spears freaked, saying, “I don’t want to fly on this plane. It hasn’t got leather seats,” and demanded that the crew let her disembark just minutes before takeoff. The captain eventually relented, and allowed the pop tart off the plane, much to the annoyance of other waiting passengers.

We thought there were pretty tight rules about getting on and off airplanes once they were on the tarmac these days but apparently not. Of course to be fair we did throw a similar tantrum on an airplane once and they let us get off even though it was already on the tarmac. In our case the seats were indeed made of leather, but it wasn’t “rich Corinthian leather.” Which is the only way we fly.

PARIS HILTON – Lawyers for “the heiress” have apparently dropped their appeal of a recent ruling that reduced Paris’ jail sentence for driving with a suspended license from 45 to 23 days on account of “good behavior.” Never mind that since promising she wouldn’t drive again she’s been photographed not only driving again but also getting high. So what was the “good behavior?” Apparently, Hilton simply showed up for her court appearance. As Tyler Durden reports:

How the hell does showing up for a court date count as good behavior? Aren’t you supposed to do that? She didn’t run a dog fighting ring either, so let’s cut another 15 days. And she didn’t shoot President Lincoln, so lets pardon her completely. In fact, with that in mind, the judge should sentence us to apologize to her. Like, we’ll have to go wash her car. You and I personally will have to go to her house and make her bed and skim her pool. It only seems fair.

Come to think of it, that doesn’t sound like such a bad gig. With fake breasts now approved as floatation devices, it’s important to get a jump on summer safety. In fact, we commissioned an informal poll of American males (editor’s note: Sic Willie) and our results showed that 100% of them were eager to apply for Cabana Boy duty at Chez Paris.

Lindsay Lohan – California district attorneys investigating the alleged theft of $10,000 worth of clothing announced Friday that Lohan would not be charged with grand larceny related to the matter. As Access Hollywood tells us:

“The bottom line is that Lohan can’t be shown to have been seen either taking or to have been later in possession of missing items and items,” Deputy District Attorney Greg Somes wrote in the rejection notice.

In all fairness to the DA’s office, it “can’t be shown” that gravity works all the time, either. In fact, they apparently have these big ole jet airliners that take astronauts and really rich people way up into the sky on parabolic flight paths and for 25 seconds there’s no gravity. Now you see that while you can take the girls out of Aristotelian logic, you can’t take the Aristotelian logic out of the girls.

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Comments»

1. Just me - May 20, 2007

And WHY do they put fruit in chocolate – nothing worse than some blended sugar faux-strawberry

2. FITSNews - May 20, 2007

Our nutritionist doesn’t let us eat chocolate anymore so we wouldn’t know. We can eat strawberries, though. So that’s something.

-FITSNews

P.S. – Our nutritionist is kinda hot though, so it all balances out in the end.

3. Ducky - May 21, 2007

Now it is clear why you are even talking to a nutritionist.


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