jump to navigation

Oh Dear Lord No May 17, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Satire, SC Politics, Sports.

ryan dempster


FITSNews – May 17, 2007 – Call them the tears of a clown. Thanks to Chicago Cubs’ reliever Ryan Dempster, our very own Sic Willie has been sobbing uncontrollable man tears all afternoon. That’s because Dempster, a reliever on Sic Willie’s FITS Fartknockers fantasy baseball squad, got lit up like the crack man’s pager at Shea Stadium this afternoon. Dempster’s five earned runs in a third of an inning’s work against the New York Mets yielded an astronomical 135.00 ERA – in a league where anything over 4.00 is considered bad.

“They have a good team. They do a good job,” Dempster said of the Mets. “Tip your cap to them. Unfortunately, I didn’t do my job today. I didn’t do a very good job at all.”

No sh*t, Ryan. And we’re not tipping our cap to anybody, you damn rag-armed fool. You just single-handedly shot Sic Willie’s league-leading ERA from 2.14 to 2.32 – in a friggin’ third of an inning, meat. Anyway, rumor has it that S.C. Gov. Mark Sanford has already awarded Dempster the “Order of the Palmetto” (even though he’s not from South Carolina) as a way of thanking him for the intense emotional pain his performance has inflicted on Sic Willie. We also hear the entire S.C. House of Representatives has hung Dempster’s portrait inside the House Chamber. The portrait resolution was apparently sponsored by Rep. Annette Young, who sources tell FITSNews was inclined to send Dempster a bottle of her favorite Scotch but then decided to celebrate the occasion by drinking it herself and simply raising a toast in his honor.

UPDATE – It appears U.S. Ambassador to Canada David H. Wilkins is also rushing to honor Dempster, who as fate would have it is Canadian. Sources tell us Wilkins is working to secure the “Order of Canada” for the Cubs’ pitcher, but in the meantime has instructed his Chief of Staff, Christy Cox, to present him with the “Order of the Maple Leaf.”



1. believeitnot - May 17, 2007

The editorial staff here at believeitnot.news is working hard to get get sic(k) willie an interview to become the new Maytag repairman. The old one died a while back. willie has the skills.

He has extensive experience in sitting around with nothing to do. That’s evidenced by this blog – particularly this post.

And repairmen seem to have a reputation for letting their butt crack show when they bend over. sic(k) willie has been showing his @ss for years. He’s clearly qualified!

Hey, weewillie, how about an update on the slimy rumor you started that a midlands elected official has a “str@m problem.” And while you’re at it, have you got an update for us from the Ethic’s Commission? Is a staffer going to drop by later this afternoon with the governor’s laptop?

Debunking the world’s worst block for about a week now.

2. believeitnot - May 17, 2007

(blog) See, we know how to spell and correct out spelling errors..

3. believeitnot - May 17, 2007

our 🙂

4. Newspaper Hack - May 17, 2007

And “Ethics Commission” doesn’t have an apostrophe.

You know, Will, the longer I read B-I-N, I’m convinced that it’s a woman, and older than 30. Rep. Young, perhaps? Half the other malcontents in SC politics?

What I loved about working among the pols in SC is how the entire state operates like a tempest in a teapot. Thank God for the Interwebs bringing all this to an international audience.

5. G Money - May 17, 2007

I’m starting to think we’re seeing a rebirth of Paul Adams

6. Joshua Gross - May 18, 2007

G Money – Actually, I was thinking we’d found the new complaint home of Upstate V(o)ice… If so, I’m just glad he stopped spoofing my family members…

7. American Candidate - May 18, 2007

Can’t help but laugh at the irony of B-I-N accusing Will of having nothing to do.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: