jump to navigation

Rodents Rise Up March 29, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Satire.



FITSNews – March 29, 2007 – Irrespective of the unforunately-titled headline in this morning’s La Socialista (“Bull’s-eye on Beavers“), it’s about to be game on in South Carolina between a hired team of federal assassins and a bunch of cute and cuddly beavers. According to reporter Gina Smith:

The city of Columbia — weary of beavers building dams and swamping nearby sewer lines and manholes — has hired a federal agency to kill the animals. City Council recently approved a $50,000 contract with The U.S. Department of Agriculture. Wildlife specialists will work for a year, killing beavers, breaking down dams and getting creeks and streams flowing again.

Back at the Beaver Dam, the rodents aren’t taking the City’s threat lightly, especially after graphic descriptions of the Beaver’s impending demise were featured prominently in this morning’s La Socialista article.

Federal officials will likely use a combination of foot hold traps, snares and snap traps in waterways where there is a lot of beaver activity. Some traps clamp down and break the animal’s neck or spine. Others hold them under water until they drown.

Sic Willie, a spokesman for the South Carolina Beaver’s Rights Association and a lifelong fan of the animals, said any push into beaver territory would encounter stiff resistance.

“Nobody’s laying down and giving it up on this one,” Sic Willie said. “Not even if they roofie our beaver ponds. These are angry, heavily-armed, highly-motivated rodents whose natural habitat is being overrun by the City’s own inability to effectively manage its growth.”

“Wow, that’s a good comeback,” said Columbia Mayor and resident Beaver Killer-in-Chief Bob Coble. “He just totally turned it around on us.”

“That’s right, fool,” Sic Willie fired back. “Recognize.”

Count on FITSNews to keep you in the loop as the world’s latest effort to stick it to cute, cuddly and furry beavers continues.



1. Earl - March 29, 2007

Sic Willie is such a beaver lover. I’m jealous of his enthusiasm for getting in the bush and go down on this matter.

I’m just glad he never got involved in the Aiken County cock ring mess.

2. Aikenite - March 29, 2007

Perhaps we all should take a look at this worthy cause.

3. Mike Reino - March 29, 2007

Will, I know a former assistant greenskeeper at Bushwood who specializes in “varmint control”….. He’ll stuffl their bagpipes full of Wheatena.

4. Mikey - March 31, 2007

In other news, Coble’s wife was shocked to learn about his desire to eat beaver.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: