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The Terry Sullivan Interview February 16, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in 2008 Presidential Primaries, Satire.

Terry Sullivan


FITSNews – February 16, 2007 – Here are some excerpts from our conversation with Mitt Romney’s South Carolina campaign manager Terry Sullivan:

FITSNEWS: Wow. All we can say is you are awesome and we are not worthy.

TERRY SULLIVAN: No, you’re not worthy. You’re an a**hole.

FITS: So … you’re not going to shake our hand?

TS: No. I’m fine.

FITS: Terry, everybody knows you’re fine. You’re probably the most gorgeous white man ever.

TS: I’m the second most gorgeous white man ever. You’re forgetting Governor Romney.

FITS: Of course. Sorry.

TS: Whatever. Don’t let it happen again.

FITS: We won’t.

TS: You better not.

FITS: Okay so Terry …

TS: Call me Mister Sullivan.

FITS: Okay, Mister Sullivan …

TS: Call me Mister Sullivan, sir.

FITS: Okay, Mister Sullivan, sir. So tell us, how is the Mitt Romney campaign coming along in South Carolina?

TS: No.

FITS: No, what?

TS: Forget it.

FITS: Forget it, as in you’re not going to tell us?

TS: That’s right.

FITS: Why not?

TS: Because I don’t want to.

FITS: Okay … any reason why you don’t want to?

TS: Because you’re just going to use anything I say to attack Governor Romney.

FITS: Actually that’s not true, Terry. You can say whatever you’d like here. Think of this as a nest. In a tree of trust. With gentle, comforting branches. And cool shade. You’re safe here. You can say whatever you’d like in the trust tree, Terry.

TS: I … I don’t believe you.

FITS: It’s okay. Just relax. And breathe, Terry. Breathe.

TS: (Inhales deeply) I just get so angry at him.

FITS: Angry at who?

TS: No, I’m not telling you.

FITS: Angry at who, Terry? Tell us. It’s okay. You are under a warm blanket right now. The blanket of Mitt Romney’s undying affection for you. Think of the governor himself draping it over you as you snuggle up in your warm bed at night.

TS: I … I still don’t believe you.

FITS: Just relax and breathe. Relax and breathe, Terry.

TS: No, I can’t.

FITS: Yes you can. Just listen. Listen, Terry. Now you are on a white, sandy beach. And the warm sand is sifting ever so gently between your toes. And now the cool ocean water is coming up and touching your toes. Can you feel it? Can you feel the water touching your toes, Terry?

TS: I … I think I can. I still don’t believe you.

FITS: Relax and breathe, Terry. Relax and breathe. The wind is blowing in your hair now, and you can feel the warm sun on your face. The wind in your hair, the sun on your face the water touching your toes.

TS: (Inhaling) Ahh … I can feel it.

FITS: Good, good. Now just relax, Terry. Relax and breathe. And feel the sunshine bathing you in its warm glow. Feel it caressing you, moving over every pore of your body, taking you to a warm place, a place where you are safe. A place where no one can hurt you. Can you feel it, Terry? Are you in that safe, warm place?

TS: (Inhaling deeply) I … I feel it. I really do!

FITS: Good, good.

TS: Wait … I can see Mr. Bluebird! He’s on my shoulder!

FITS: Good, Terry. That’s good.

TS: And wait … there’s Governor Romney! Oh, hello governor! Do you need me to rub some sun tan lotion on your back?

FITS: Uh … that’s enough. Okay Terry, talk to us, now. Who are you angry at?

TS: That meanie Will Folks. He is such a meanie. He says all these mean things about Governor Romney.

FITS: Talk to us, Terry. What does he do?

TS: He makes fun of the governor all the time, and Senator DeMint too. And Warren. And Weswie.

FITS: Weswie?

TS: Yes, Weswie. My poor, poor wittle Weswie. I wuv him. I wuv my wittle Weswie so much.

FITS: Uh … okay.

TS: Mmmm, Weswie.




1. Don Johnson - February 16, 2007

Damn, you have a lot of free time, Will.

2. Michael - February 16, 2007

Dude, Common’. Talkin’ smack while hiding behind your keyboard is one thing, but out and out lying? It just displays a lack of class the I know your parents instilled in you.

Is there no depth too far, no low you haven’t reached?

3. XX - February 16, 2007

OOOOK, Setphan Colbert.

4. fitsnews - February 16, 2007

Kids, kids. It’s a joke. When you see the “satire” tag it means you’re headed off to a fantasy world of magic and make believe. With lions and tigers. And ligers, if you’re Napoleon Dynomite.

5. Henry - February 16, 2007

Comments on the comments:

1. Free time? Who the hell shows up here day after day, commenting on this and that? Well, I do, for one. But at least I don’t accuse other people of having “a lot of free time” on their hands — as if, by the way, you’re not right now watching your new Battlestar Galactica DVD.

2. “Out and out lying”? Has Michael ever read, say, a novel?

3. Who is “Stephan” Colbert? Oh, you mean Stephen. I mean, I guess that’s who you mean. You mentioned him because . . . oh, I get it. You think he invented the mock interview.

6. Michael - February 17, 2007

Hey Hen,
Yup, you and me babe…we got each other on this one. Checkin’ back in to see what nutjob had a response.

Fiction, indeed, I enjoy it. King, Rice, Creyton…all very good writers. Ever pretend to write a derogatory editorial about someone working for a presidential race in real time…well no.

Just seems like yellow journalism…oh wait I get it…my bad. I see where I am now. proceed.

7. G.L. - February 17, 2007

I think we’re distracted from the real issue that Mitt Romney is a socialistic, flip-flopping, forked tongue, Mormon, and most of all, a damn Massachusetts Yankee. Who in their right mind in SC would vote for him?

8. Aaron Sheinin Needs Some New Sources « FITSNews For Now - February 26, 2007

[…] In his defense, Aaron is probably the best political reporter in the state right now, and it’s not his fault they probably made him talk to Terry Sullivan. […]

9. Romney Staff Purchases New Computers « FITSNews For Now - February 26, 2007

[…] 26, 2007 – After observing dramatically enhanced productivity from South Carolina Campaign Manager Terry Sullivan, former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney has ordered Fisher Price Baby Smartronics computer systems […]

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