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Joe Wilson & Shrub Is Super Best Friends January 22, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Satire, SC Politics, US Politics.

Joe Wilson and Shrub


FITSNews – January 22, 2007 – If Shrub told U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson to jump off a cliff, would he do it? What if he told him to drop and give him twenty? Or jump down, turn around and pick a bale of cotton?

Our bet is that the answer to each of those questions is “Yes,” which is why the state of South Carolina needs its President now more than ever.

Allow us to explain.

You see Mr. Shrub, er President, we have a problem down here in the Palmetto State (you know, that backwards ass upside down triangle of itching inferiority complexes that is the whole reason you are President to begin with). And we need a favor. And since we know that you and Joe is super best friends and all, we figured you could help us out.

Here is the problem: Joe won’t stop putting out inane press releases.

Seriously, he puts out at least one of the damn things every day and every last one of them is either boring, inaccurate or both.

For example, on Thursday he put out this little ditty about being named Ranking Member of the House Committee on Education and Labor’s Subcommittee on Workforce Protection.

Then on Friday, he put out this release about campus fire safety that included the following statement:

Being affected by a fire is a horrific experience for anyone.

Well Mr. President, we have never heard of the subcommittee on workforce whatever that Joe Wilson is talking about. And we know for a fact that the statement he made about fire is simply not true.

For example, we were “affected” by a fire the last time we made S’mores and it was not a “horrific experience” at all. In fact, it was a tasty good and rich chocolatey delicious experience.

We were also “affected” by fire when it got real cold last week. And once again, it was hardly “horrific.” Not only did the fire keep us warm, but we got a little bit horny too, which you would probably agree is not entirely a bad thing.

(And to be perfectly honest, Mr. President, we may have even used some of Joe Wilson’s daily press releases to start those fires).

Look, it’s not just us. Even the mainstream media down here is making fun of him (just scroll down after clicking, sir).

So can you help us, Mr. Shrub … er President?

We bet if you told him to keep it to say, one boring and inane press release a week, he would go right along with it because let’s face it, you could tell him to drop his britches and moon the entire Washington Press Corps with the words “Pelosi Sucks” painted on his buttocks and he would do it.

In fact, come to think of it we’ve got two favors to ask …



1. Gas Is Expensive Again « FITSNews For Now - March 21, 2007

[…] know come to think of it that’s probably not a good idea. Unless of course you are Rep. Joe Wilson. In which case it makes perfect sense. Anyway, until America comes up with some alternative fuel […]

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