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Lindsay Lohan’s Mom Blames Media For Daughter’s Rehab Stint January 21, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Pop Culture, Satire.
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Lindsay and Dina

MEDIA ALLEGEDLY LINKED TO GLOBAL WARMING, SOUTH CAROLINA’S LOUSY BASKETBALL TEAM, TOO

FITSNews – January 21, 2007 – The first thing you’ll probably notice about this rambling, nonsensical interview with Lindsay Lohan’s mom Dina is how unnaturally dark her eyelids are. Well that and how many camera takes Mrs. Lohan requires to nudge a semi-coherent thought from her bleached-blonde, tanfastic head.

“There are helicopters outside (Lindsay’s) apartment,” Mrs. Lohan says. “I mean this child can’t even go to Starbucks without someone saying ‘Oh her hair looks …’ you know, I mean, under a microscope at that age, you saw Mean Girls I’m sure, it’s almost Mean Girls tabloid.”

Yeah, and it gets better.

After using a Cain and Abel analogy to describe her remarkable parenting skills (“I’m her mother, I’m not her keeper”) Mrs. Lohan shares a touching story about the last time she and Lindsay were sitting around obsessing over what the tabloids were saying about them.

“I mean, I’m forty-ish (giggling) and … you know it hurts me and Lindsay’s like ‘Mommy, look what they wrote about me are you kidding? Don’t even worry about Page Six, just sue them and get it over with.'”

What’s Page Six, you might ask? Yeah, that would be the New York Post’s gossip page, which featured this little tidbit about Mrs. Lohan’s dining habits earlier this month.

Of course there’s nothing to fear because when she’s not busy being Super Mom, Mrs. Lohan is apparently brushing up on her First Amendment jurisprudence.

“Freedom of speech is one thing,” she says. “Defamation of character is quite another.”

Watch out, Greta Van Susteren.

“I just pray the tabloids give us our space and leave us alone,” Mrs. Lohan says.

Yeah, except that sentence isn’t true. In fact, it’s a lot like one of those “Make It True” elementary school brain teasers instead, where you have to add words to the sentence to make it true. In this case, it’s not hard. You simply add the word “don’t” in front of “give us our space” and again in front of “leave us alone.”

Finally, Mrs. Lohan blames the media for the breakup of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey.

Really? Cause that’s not what Tyler Durden told us the real reason was.

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