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L’Etat D’Etat January 17, 2007

Posted by fitsnews in Satire, SC Politics.

Sanford State of the State1


FITSNews – January 17, 2007 – An advance copy of Gov. Mark Sanford‘s 2007 State of the State Speech was leaked to FITSNews late this afternoon. Unfortunately, we have learned that the Governor’s Office was immediately advised of this leak and rushed to change the text.

Below, however, is the complete unedited version of the copy we were leaked:


“Am I on? Is this on? Cool. Groovy.

Uhhhh … how you? Everybody groovy tonight? Awesome.

Ahh, I wanted to start tonight with a quote from Thomas Friedman’s book “The World Is Flat,” because ultimately, at the end of the day, I can read and you guys can’t.

Unfortunately, though, I burned my cornea in the tanning booth … er, in the stage lights at a jobs announcement, I mean, a big, big jobs announcement, so I ahhh … I won’t be able to do that.

So interestingly enough as it turns out we have something in common tonight in that I can’t read either.

I did want to simply say this, though.

Thank you.

And I mean that. To all three of you in the Legislature who have supported this administration’s campaign for change, seriously, I cannot thank you enough.

That means you Chip (Campsen), Greg (Ryberg) and Ralph (Norman) … uhh … wait a minute. Where’s Ralph?

Whoops … my bad.

But our campaign for change, which we think goes directly to the heart of what Thomas Friedman is talking about in his book “The World is Flat,” ultimately boils down to one thing. And that thing is keeping South Carolina home to mine and Jenny’s four little boys and frankly a lot of other kids and grandkids that are out there.

Well … ahhh … unless of course you happen to have kids and grandkids in Jasper County, in which case … uhhh … I would simply have to say I’m sorry.

Honestly, I’d love to give you guys a new port down there in that neck of the woods but when you look at the numbers, Bill Stern did give me a lot of campaign contributions and at the end of the day I’ve got to respect that.

Ultimately, he understood what our administration has been saying from day one about rifle shots. And let me tell you, he rifle-shot some serious dollars into my campaign warchest.

Oh and speaking of those contributions, to my friend Jimmy (Merrill), I would simply say to you as well that I’m sorry, because I would have really liked to have stuck with you on that whole “no taxpayer funded lobbyist” thing.

Ultimately, though, we have stayed true to the ideals we campaigned on in lots of other ways. For example, I still wear blazers and slacks instead of suits because I think the average guy out there with not much more than a jon lerner in the back yard … uhh … did I just say Jon Lerner? That would be my bad. I must have been thinking of renting Brokeback Mountain with Chip (Campsen) last night there. Sorry, Jon is my political consultant. What I meant to say was a jon boat … a jon boat in the back yard, that’s what I meant to say, but anyway I think that guy with the jon boat in the brokeback yard ultimately understands where we’re coming from in trying to affect the kind of change that we’ve been all about from day one.

And in that vein, let me just say this: Structure matters.

I know we don’t like to talk about Ataturk in this chamber but I’m going to tonight, again …

Uhhh … that was a joke, Aaron.

I say ‘Aaron’ because I see my good friend Aaron Gould Sheinin from The State Newspaper sitting up there.

Dude, I was totally kidding. But wow! You’ve lost some serious weight, man. You look great.

Hey, you know me, Chip and Greg are headed back to the mansion to watch some movies after the speech. Open invitation.

Anyway, what I was saying is that structure matters.

And when I say structure matters I mean kind of like what David Beasley and Jim Hodges did at the DMV before I got elected, but my old press shop boys Chris Drummond and Will Folks did a damn good job making sure I got all the credit for that, didn’t they?

Or what I want to do over at the Department of Transportation right now, where Bobby (Harrell)’s dad is basically wasting money hand over fist.

And seriously, Bobby. I don’t mean to knock on your old man but you are such a wuss when I make fun of you that really, you leave me with no choice. It is kind of like what I did with the pigs after David Wilkins tried to mess me around on all those budget vetoes.

But this is just crazy. At the end of the day, we’ve got to work together.

Come here, Bobby. Let’s hug it out, man. I love you.

Starting tonight, I’m going to recognize that no matter how I right I am and how wrong all of you idiots are when it comes to the budget, I am clearly banging my head up against the wall on that front and maybe if I backed off on that for just one year and let you guys pork it up some maybe you would pass my income tax cut.

You know, the one that is like basically nothing compared to what I campaigned on four years ago?

But it is precisely our ability to compromise that makes us noble.

Bob McAlister wrote that last line, by the way. Thanks, Bob. I had to take out the rest of that “uncompromising men are easy to admire” thing because it wouldn’t fit. And it kinda made me sound gay, which I really don’t need considering I’ve already got this lisp to my voice.

But we are not here tonight to talk about lisps, or what divides us as South Carolinians, but instead about the many reasons why I am still governor.

I got a mandate by the way, no matter what Lee Bandy says. Lee Bandy is old. And he is not as stimulating to talk on the phone with as Brad Warthen. I just love my talks with Brad. We disagree on a lot, but we really respect each other’s Socratic Methodology. I’m sure one day, at the end of the day, that I will convince him to come around to my way of thinking.

For me, though, the reasons I am still governor start and stop with my wife – and your first lady.

Jenny, can you stand up please? Let’s everybody give it up for my wife.

I’d also like to say a big thank you to John Rainey, my Board of Economic Advisors chairman. John, you may have been nearly a billion dollars off on your revenue estimates and helped kill every one of my signature issues in the General Assembly, but seriously, I can’t thank you enough for all you did to try and knock Thomas Ravenel out of the Treasurer’s race.

That’s because Thomas is younger and better looking than I am. But you know, while I enjoyed how youthfully tan and vibrant I used to look sitting next to grandpa Grady Patterson at our Budget and Control Board meetings, to my new friend Thomas the Treasurer let me say this – I want to hug it out with you, too, brother.

Come on. Bring it in for the real thing. I love you, man.

We can all get along on the Budget and Control Board, well, we can all get along there provided you join me in firing the current executive director so I can move my current chief of staff over there.

Which reminds me, I still haven’t decided who my new chief of staff is going to be. Uhh … yeah, I know we’re like a couple weeks into the new legislative session and what not, but with all these guys making over a hundred grand a year in my office it’s a tough choice.

At any rate, not gonna bore y’all with that, I’ll just make a note here in the margins of my speech to ask Jenny later tonight if she’s decided what we’re gonna do there.

So what else.

Uh-oh. They are telling me I’m running out of time.

Right on, right on. Got it. Got it. Two seconds.

Ahh … let me close then tonight with some words from someone I think we can all respect.

His name, in case you don’t know, is Thomas Friedman, and he wrote a book called “The World Is Flat.”

He writes, and thank God I remembered this before I got my eyes burned in the tanning … I mean stage lights. Anyway, he writes, and I quote, “The perspective and predispositions that you carry around in your head are very important in shaping what you see and what you don’t see.”

I think that’s a metaphor for our relationship. And I like metaphors. Especially if they are from “The World Is Flat.”

So good night, God bless each one of you and God Bless the State of South Carolina.

Seriously, thanks. You guys rocked. You were awesome. Groovy. Peace, see you later, bye.




1. Sabrina - February 12, 2007

Hilarious! Love it!!!!

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