GOVERNOR, SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE GO AT EACH OTHER IN NEW VIDEO

FITSNews – December 11, 2007 – The same cinematic geniuses who brought you the drag-dancing Budget & Control Board and “Sanford Slaughter” videos are back – this time with a holiday-themed snowball fight between South Carolina’s top politicians.

You can CLICK HERE to watch the video, just try not to laugh too hard when House Speaker Bobby Harrell takes a snowball directly in the gonads.

Of course, what’s sad is that this video probably represents the most civil interaction South Carolina’s legislative and executive branches of government have had with each other over the last six years …

AND WE’RE NOT TALKING ABOUT SIC WILLIE’S NEW 32-FOOT SAILBOAT

FITSNews – December 11, 2007 – While it may not be as flashy as the 155-foot superyacht “Themis,” there’s just something about getting a good deal on a late 90′s model Island Packet that pleases our founding editor Sic Willie‘s already cheerful nature. Particularly when the 32-foot boat includes teak and holly floor and a brand spankin’ new mainsail. Anyway, as excited as the FITS gals are about Sic’s new MILF magnet sailboat, the Island Packet that’s giving us the most satisfaction today is actually a Lowcountry newspaper.

In a strongly-worded editorial published this morning, the Packet not only slammed the S.C. Supreme Court for its recent bar exam shenanigans, but popped the S.C. General Assembly as well for basically trying to control everything it touches …

If lawmakers move to set up independent oversight of the state Supreme Court, the justices have only themselves to blame. Their (mis)handling of the July bar exam results highlights how little recourse there is to challenge decisions by the state’s high court. South Carolina law doesn’t allow independent investigations of complaints against the court. House Speaker Bobby Harrell says it might be time to change that.

Small comfort that — more involvement in our court system by state lawmakers. Lawmakers already dominate the screening process for judicial candidates and then elect our judges from among the finalists, including Supreme Court justices. Vote trading among lawmakers is a long-time complaint. But if they could come up with a truly independent mechanism, then we would all be better served. We’re just not very optimistic because the legislature has a predilection to controlling everything.

Frankly we’re not very fecund optimistic, either, because let’s be honest here – there are cesspools and fecund swamps with more purity than our state’s fecund judicial and fecund legislative branches of government. It’s also pretty fecund obvious to us that putting the fecund legislature in charge of investigating the fecund judicial branch is a serious fecund mistake. It’s basically letting one bunch of fecund slimebags investigate another bunch of fecund slimebags. And that ain’t fecund right, people.

REPUBLICANS ARE SUCH PANDERERS

FITSNews – December 11, 2007 – If South Carolinians think the pandering of the 2008 Republican presidential candidates on the immigration issue has been intense, they ain’t seen nada yet.

That’s because once the presidential circus leaves the Palmetto State in January, our local kneejerkers are planning to pump up the volume on the issue in a big way. Responding to polls that show illegal immigration as a hot topic among local voters, it should come as no surprise that South Carolina politicians are poised to make this their signature issue as a means of shoring up their abysmal conservative credentials in an election year.

Whatever … South Carolina has about as much chance of solving the immigration problem as it does of reversing global warming. Which is to say zero. In fact, asking South Carolina to solve anything is a lot like giving a Rubik’s Cube to a dyslexic baboon, or expecting your pet hamster to single-handedly stabilize a shaky national economy.

Seriously, for a state that relies on illegals to operate its multi-billion dollar tourism industry (one of the few things we actually do kinda sorta well in this state), South Carolina’s Republican Majority sure is breathing some serious fire on this issue.

Desperate to avoid responsibility for a shitty economy, shitty health care system and ridiculously shitty education system, all these ass-clowns are doing is looking for a convenient bogeyman to divert your attention, thus enabling them to continue their wasteful and incompetent Nineteenth Century ways.

And believe us, “immigration reform” is more than just a key to that strategy, it is that strategy.

Don’t believe the hype, people.

Sure, go ahead and vote for the presidential candidate who’s promising to build you the highest border fence if that’s what floats your boat, but don’t think for a second that these local jokers are going to do anything on this issue other than use it to get reelected so that they can keep blowing more of your money.

THIS IS A FIRST, PEOPLE

FITSNews – December 11, 2007 – We couldn’t believe it either, but South Carolina’s free-spending Ways & Means Chairman Dan “Egg-tooth” Cooper has actually found something he doesn’t want to spend your money on. And of course, it totally figures that it’s something worthwhile that would actually help economic development in our state – specifically, land conservation.

Sure, we made fun of the whacko environmentalists last week for their God-awful video appeal to fringe liberal tree huggers, but they’re dead right when it comes to the need to spend more money to protect one of South Carolina’s most important competitive assets – its unique natural beauty.

As for Chairman Cooper finally meeting a funding request he didn’t like, well, all we can say is there’s a first time for everything. We’re sure he’ll be back to his old self (i.e. approving millions of taxpayer dollars for totally useless sh*t) any day now …

UPDATE – Speaking of things that are totally useless, check out this recap of the S.C. General Assembly’s priorities for the upcoming legislative session. Hooray legislators!

WE ARE OFFICIALLY KICKING OURSELVES NOW FOR NOT ATTENDING OPRAHBAMARAMA

FITSNews – December 11, 2007 – In what has obviously turned out to be the worst editorial decision in FITSNews‘ brief history (our one year anniversary is this Sunday, people), Sic Willie and the FITS gals foolishly declined an invitation to join our mainstream media colleagues for Sunday’s Oprahbamarama at Columbia’s Williams-Brice Stadium.

Our flawed logic for passing on this event-a-palooza was two-fold. First of all, the memories of South Carolina’s ridiculously sh*tty football season still linger far too intensely within our crestfallen breasteses to even contemplate revisiting the epicenter of our woe. Second of all we’re pretty sure Oprah has six toes … or at least a really big bunyon. Which is frightening.

Anyway, in spite of all that, Sic in particular is kicking himself for missing the event because it turns out his future wife (pictured above) was in attendance, working on Yo-bama‘s campaign staff. And even though our favorite bad boy has no idea what her name is at the moment, it might as well be Mrs. Sic Willie – especially once she experiences his rugged good looks, sparkling wit, selfless humility and legendary emotional availability firsthand.

In fact, rumor has it that when mystery girl’s picture first arrived in the FITSNews mailbox, the clouds above Columbia parted, God granted his blessing on the union by releasing a single white dove from heaven and Paul Bates emerged from Sic Willie’s kitchen to sing “She’s Your Queen To Be.”

UPDATE – Sic has officially decreed that we are to cover every Obama event from here on out and praise whatever comes out of his mouth effusively, if not immodestly. He has also asked his fellow South Carolinians to refrain from letting Miss Mystery know about his considerable wealth and power for the moment, preferring that she fall in love with him as a humble goat herder first.

EVEN YOU, SIC WILLIE

FITSNews – December 11, 2007 – We’re gonna go out a limb and guess that the bug-eyed dude in the picture above is either a demonic sorcerer, multigazillionaire or incredibly reliable porn star. In fact, he’s probably all three of those things. Because short of that (or some advancement in cardboard cut-out technology that we’re not aware of), there’s really no way to explain this picture, unless of course he’s got a winning personality, in which case it would make perfect sense.

Seriously, if this guy scored with Lindsay Lohan, we should all stop for a moment, think about what we’re doing with our lives and aim a little bit higher. Because the sky is obviously the limit, people. In fact, we can see clearly now the rain is gone. We can see all obstacles in our way. Gone are the dark clouds that had us blind. It’s gonna be a bright (bright) bright (bright) sun-shiny day.

So go for that promotion, run that extra mile, tell that special someone how you really feel. Nothing is stopping you today, Tiger.

IT’S ALL IN THE NAME OF DISCOVERY, PEOPLE

FITSNews – December 10, 2007 – As much as we wish we were making this story up, researchers at the University of Illinois at Chicago really did announce today that they’ve figured out a way to isolate the sexuality gene in fruit flies and turn it either “on” or “off” using drugs. Oh, and if that didn’t make you horny as hell, we included a photo of two male fruit flies getting it on (presumably while listening to some Marvin Gaye) to complete the mood. You can thank us later, people.

Anyway, between this homo fruit fly experiment and the U.S. Air Force’s flirtation with the “Gay Love Bomb,” we’re starting to wonder what the hell is going on beneath those white lab coats that scientists wear all the time. Seriously, why aren’t these morons isolating the gene that makes all of us look like Angelina Jolie or Clive Owen? Or the gene that makes blended venti mocha frappucinos take a little off of our hips? Or for that matter getting rid of the gene that makes people bad drivers, Patriots fans, pedderasses or psycho-killers (qu’est-ce que c’est)?

God only knows how many millions of dollars worth of federal grants were devoted to getting a bunch of male fruit flies to ditch the chicks and start pounding each other’s rectums like a scene from Deliverance, but if it was one red cent it was one red cent too much. Scientists seriously need to stop dicking around and do something productive, or at the very least heterosexual, with their time and our hard-earned tax dollars.

JUST SLIT OUR WRISTS NOW

FITSNews – December 10, 2007 – We love us some Christmas here at FITSNews. Almost as much as we love Kwaanza, as a matter of fact.

Something about singing all the happy songs takes us back to a simpler time – a time when we were innocent little girls rushing happily downstairs to open our new Barbie convertibles and Glamour Princess makeup kits. A time when boys thought we were yucky and Sic Willie was still picking his nose and eating it … wait, never mind. That still happens.

Anyway, we love practically every Christmas song in the book – even most of the ones about bells, like “Jingle Bells” or “Silver Bells.” Of course there is one atonal nightmare (featured in the wrist-slitting Garmin.com ads) that consistently steals our holiday joy and turns our “very merries” into “bah humbugs,” if not suicidal tendencies.

The song is called Carol of the Bells, or as Sic calls it “Carol of my Balls,” and it’s the one that features that obnoxious “DING-DONG-DING-DONG” dirge that inspires about as much holiday cheer as one of Trent Reznor’s “downward spirals.”

Seriously, we don’t know who wrote this fingernails-on-the-blackboard abortion of a song, but we’re strongly considering suing them (and the DING-DONGers over at Garmin.com) for the cost of the 11 high-definition plasmas that we’ve put bricks through since that gay ass ad started running … or at least the four of them that were ours.

“Where’s shopping mall? (DING-DONG) There’s shopping mall! Where’s Chinese food? (DING-DONG) There’s Chinese food!”

#%&ing shoot us now, people.

There may be some Volvo-driving Junior Leaguers out there who relate to this sort of eardrum-irritating noise pollution, but we’d frankly rather hear Sic Willie belting out his extended X-rated version of “Frosty the Snowman” (while being trapped in the bathroom with him after a visit to El Jalisco’s Mexican restaurant) than listen to one second of the acoustic terrorism that is this affront to auditory sensibility.

UPDATE – It turns out the tune to “Carol of the Bells” was composed by Mykola Leontovych, a Ukranian choral conductor who wrote the song five years before he was gunned down by robbers who broke into his parents home in 1923. Lazy ass criminals. Somebody remind us to give them a little nudge as soon as we master time travel, people.

PRETTY BOY QUARTERBACK DOESN’T WANT HIS MOMMA TO READ ALL ABOUT IT

FITSNews – December 10, 2007 – It must be nice to cuss like a sailor on the football field and then show up like the “Fonz” in a black leather jacket for the post-game press conference, acting all sheepish and cute, talking about how you don’t want mommy to know you use bad words. But that’s exactly the kind of #$%ing $%# that mother#%&er Tom Brady pull. In fact, he did pull it yesterday in declining to discuss exactly what he said to Pittsburgh Steelers’ defensive back Anthony Smith, who royally pissed off Sir Studliness by guaranteeing that the Steelers would beat the 13-0 Patriots.

From this morning’s Boston Herald:

“I don’t care to repeat it, especially if my mother reads it,” said Brady in response to a question about his exact words to Smith. “She wouldn’t be very happy with what I said.”

Awwww … that’s so #%&ing cute, Tom. Of course Brady’s doe-eyed “who, me?” routine was far classier than that of his head coach Bill Beli”cheat,” who further rubbed Smith’s nose in it after the Patriots 34-13 win by saying that “we’ve played against a lot better safeties than him.”

Sure this Smith guy deserves it for being an idiot, but the Patsies would’ve done themselves a favor by simply allowing their total domination of the Steelers on Sunday to speak for itself.

SUPERINTENDENT’S LIEUTENANT UNDER INVESTIGATION IN ALABAMA

FITSNews – December 10, 2007 – It’s been nearly two months since we were first introduced to the rock ‘em sock ‘em world of Fairfield County politics … and if things stay this interesting, we may not cover anything else.

It all started back in early October, when an anonymous source contacted FITSNews with a “hot tip” about an alleged scandal involving the local school board chairwoman, Annie McDaniel. Knowing our proclivity for exposing educrat waste, we were urged by this source to investigate claims that Ms. McDaniel had taken an unauthorized trip on the taxpayers’ dime back in August of this year – to a sorority party in New Orleans, of all things.

Well, as we do with all tips, we did investigate – but it didn’t take long before an entirely different story emerged. Not only did Ms. McDaniel’s “sorority party” actually turn out to be a legitimate education seminar, but her trip was authorized in advance by some of the same people who then turned around and accused her of “abusing the public trust.” On top of that, we learned that the Chairwoman’s chief detractor, Fairfield Superintendent Samantha Ingram, had a rather large axe to grind given that Ms. McDaniel was evidently pushing her to improve on the 786 average SAT score the district produces with the $50.6 million (or $13,777 per student) we pour into its schools each year.

Anyway, if that abysmal performance wasn’t enough, now Superintendent Ingram has another reason to be on the defensive. That’s because according to last Thursday’s edition of the Mobile (AL) Press-Register, one of Ingram’s top Fairfield County lieutenants faces an investigation by the Alabama Attorney General after that state’s Ethics Commission unanimously forwarded a complaint alleging that she illegally solicited money from vendors with business before Ingram’s former school district.. From the Press-Register story …

The Alabama Ethics Commission decided Wednesday to forward a complaint about former Mobile County schools Assistant Superintendent Annie Crandle to the Mobile County district attorney for “further review and possible prosecution.” The complaint … concerns Crandle’s alleged involvement in soliciting money from vendors who did business with the schools. Crandle, who now works in South Carolina, could not be reached for comment …

Superintendent Ingram brought Crandle with her to Fairfield in June of this year when she was hired to run the county’s school district. And while none of the South Carolina news coverage of Ingram’s announcement referenced the Alabama allegations, they were widely-known in Mobile according to Thursday’s Press-Register story:

According to a Press-Register investigation (in 2006), Mobile County school officials solicited thousands of dollars in donations from textbook publishers and other companies between 2004-06. The officials used that money to host staff luncheons, a Christmas party with Wal-Mart gift certificates given out as door prizes, another party featuring a disc jockey and other events.

Ingram’s boss in Alabama, Mobile Superintendent Harold Dodge, told the Lagniappe Mobile in May of 2007 that he had spoken with “at least two” Fairfield County School Board members, and had spoken with one in particular about “some bad press” that Ingram had received in the wake of the solicitation allegations. Dodge also said he spoke with the second Fairfield board member about another publicized incident involving Ingram’s improper communication with an impeached school board member named David Thomas.

Thomas, who was indicted in 2005 for driving under the influence and leaving the scene of an accident after running over a young girl’s foot with his Land Rover during Mardi Gras, participated in at least 200 phone conversations with Ingram following his impeachment, conversations which Mobile’s District Attorney has said were in violation of a judge’s order. Ingram, incidentally, was the only person to testify on Thomas’ behalf during his impeachment hearings, according to the Lagniappe Mobile.

“I told at least two (Fairfield) school board members that she did some truly innovative things,” Dodge told the paper back in May. “One asked about some bad press and I said I never saw anything that would indicate she had some personal gain. Another asked me about the phone calls, but among our staff, there was some confusion about that.”

While Ingram is clearly front-and-center in Fairfield’s school system as Superintendent, Ms. Crandle is not listed on the District’s administration and staff webpage, although she does appear in the district’s online directory as Assistant Superintendent for School Improvement.

Stay tuned to FITSNews for more on this developing story …